Diary of Idle Madness, Perhaps

Decisions, Decisions. . .

5/12/2020

Decisions.
And fate.
A call to reckoning.
And the uncertainty of probability.
Which. . . Is my choice?

I am uncertain.
But at the same time, I am not.
I know. . . What makes me happy.
I know the feeling of this craving, this. . .
Insatiable need for freedom.
And like a drug it consumes me.

The Chariot calls.
My strength and willpower are being called into play. The need to move forward. . . The need to travel. . .
Is this truly what I need to survive?

What I need to survive. . .
What do I need to survive?
Everything that I've known or done these past few months. . . All the decisions I've made leading up to this point. . .I. . .
None of them have worked completely in my favor.
The standard norm. . . Which parts did worked out for me? Which parts brought me trouble?
Today I woke to find all the money I had earned gone. And now I'm waiting for it's arrival over the next day or so through direct deposit.

Oh. Is it strange? To hear a small excerpt from the reality that is my life?
Don't worry. This is simply. . . My truth of the matter. And perhaps you are. . . Not important to this at all. . .
But no. That would be rude to suggest.
You have been on this journey for as long as I have. You deserve my selfish love and affection just as much as the ones that give me strength.  The ones I hold dear for the sake of my sanity.

But to continue. . .
Where was I. . .
Ah. . .

The Chariot called.
In that moment, I prayed for an answer.
I channeled all of my energy into the diving being called fate, and I asked it a question. I asked it what I should do. What I truly wanted to do.
And in that moment, I felt the smallest spark. And it flickered, and it stuttered, but it stayed with me for a time. Long enough to guide my hands to the wheel of fate and choose.
And he came to me from a dream.

His hand follows that of The Lovers.
He renews my Strength and Will.
My Stubbornness.
His is the call of the wild; of the reality I so desperately seek.
And I want, more than anything, to run toward it.
I want to see the world with my own two eyes and bask in its glorious freedom.
I want to fly and move forward, under the great blessing of Mercury.

God, to explain the true joy it brings me is almost impossible. There are not enough words.
I know this feeling. . . And yet. . .
Why do I hesitate?

Why do I struggle to leave the box that this world has cast me into? Why. . .
Perhaps because I. . . Am afraid.
Afraid?
Unsure. . .
Uncertain. . .
Unsure. . .
Uncertain. . .
The consequences of standing on the same road I've walked for the entirety of my life. . .
Moving out of this box and into a realm of impossibility. . . Out of what's "right".

Maybe. . .

Perhaps. . .

It's time for me to do something. . . Wrong.
Perhaps it's time for me to step out of this box. To follow my intuition. To answer the call of my soul that's been begging me for what feels like an eternity. . .

My mind shows a fork in the road.
This overgrown forest.
And three possible paths.
The right leads to a solid orange sunset. There is a village in the distance, at the end of this road. Its banners fly high and billow lazily in the wind.
This is. . . The path much traveled and chosen.
This is where everyone goes.

The middle path is dark and foreboding. It hosts the forests that surround this town and holds all of its darkness. This is the road less traveled, but stomped through along its way.
It hosts the failures and misfits of this town. The ones who were unable to make it there.

To the left is a dark and scary path, less traveled and covered in brambles and leaves. It is overgrown and ignored, and no one knows what's at its end.
It is, in all senses, a mystery.

Three paths. . . Three choices. . . Three ways my life could go. . .

I . . .
I want. . .

I . . .
    
     Want. . .

I want to stop trying.
I want to stop listening to everything that is "right" in this world. I want to continue moving forward, but I don't want to be held back by standards set by a world that gives me no choice.

These two paths-
No, these three paths.
I would choose the road less traveled.
But I am not wont to follow in the footsteps of others, or to mark my own failures at the rate of others' successes.

I want to see. . .
No.
I want to make my own path forward.
I want to go where I feel most alive.
And at the end of this road, I know it to be true:

I won't find failure there.
No.
At the end of this path, I will find the start of my true self, the very essence of my being.

Or perhaps this is the start of it right now.
This is the start of my own world.
And as I push my way through the dark twisted unknown, I know that eventually I will make my way to the field beyond.

The field beyond. . .
No. . .

The place of my dreams.
Not the idealistic world that would be given to me on the "right" path, or the condemnation and darkness of the path that leads into its shadow,
No-

This is the place of my own choosing.
The Utopia created specifically for me and maintained by my own free will.

And in my choice I find Freedom.
And in my Freedom
I find Happiness.