Diary of Idle Madness, Perhaps

How Disastrous I've Become

6/25/2020

How depressing has my existence become.
A sad, sorry, hopeless shell of continued failure.
That I would harp on the misgivings of man, pointing out their singular habit of repeating the same mistakes over and over makes my own habits all the more laughable.

I've repeated the same mistakes time and time again.
Promised myself I would change time and time again.
Set myself down the path to moving forward, fueled by the determination in my own heart, and yet-
Each time I manage to start something, to get even a small ounce closer to success, I fall backwards, and it all begins to crumble.

Perhaps I am doomed to suffer the cruel fate shared by all humanity. My repeated mistakes are simply coded into my very existence. And the depression. And the regret. And the drive to move forward.
And the determination to keep going.

Why do I repeat over and over like a broken record when I know the outcome already? I've done this a thousand and one times and then a thousand times more and I still can't seem to break the chain of continuation.
There are moments where I feel myself growing angry. Rare moments where I get tired of life as it's presented to me, where I let myself slip, and the madness touches me just enough to add another shiny new crack in my already crumbling armor.
Perhaps those are the moments where I am truly myself.
Perhaps those are the moments where I am no longer bound by fate.

But those moments don't last long. They never have. Oh but when they do I could say I secretly enjoy them. The chaotic energy that normally gets locked away or smothered or hidden for the sake of everything else around me rears its ugly head just enough to rattle me. I become filled with anger and hatred and regret and sadness and depression and despair. And I feel the pain of the reality that I am forced to bear. For one brief moment, I feel the pain of reality and the universe shakes. I lose myself for what seems like an eternity. . . And then as briefly as the moment comes, it's gone.
Like footprints in the sand. . .