Diary of Idle Madness, Perhaps

Solidarity? Or Chaotic Impulse. . .

5/15/2020

I chose to walk the path untread and make my own way forward.

But did I?

The truth of my matter. . . It was given to me through a game. A silly thing that should never have mattered. A thing that reminded me of the balance. It's. . . Unsettling how close the situation was.

Was I the traveler? Or was I the guide?
I'm still. . . Unsure.
All I know is that each moment I spend contemplating reminds me that I am. . . Not bound by black and white.

I wanted to walk the path untread. To find a way to move forward of my own accord and make my own future. However, in truth, I simply wanted to give over to impulse. I wanted to be free. I wanted to take control and wreak havoc on reality, to forsake the world and all its rules and live by my own standards and laws.

But I know this isn't entirely possible. I know that.
I know that I can't just ignore the rest of the world or how it works, because I am not the true center of karmic destiny.
If only I was, oh what a life that would be. . .
True freedom to do and say as I please; to want and need as much of anything in the world and have it granted instantly. I would be filled with unending fulfillment and happiness. . .

And I wouldn't be this- person that I am now.
That is. . . Truly sad to me.
For all of my hard work and revelations would be no more, and I would only be a shell of my true potential.

*sigh*
But no.
I have to find a balance, it seems.
I want to let impulse reign and rule my actions in this world, but that would only cause me detriment.
Conformity is also just as depressing. To simply live life the way it was mapped out for everyone. . . Thinking about it makes me laugh.
My chaotic nature- the one that is constantly on the verge of breaking loose- would never allow itself to be controlled completely.
This much I know to be true.

So now I sit here, wondering. . . Waiting.
What is this path I chose?
Is this the path of impulsivity that leads to total destruction?
Or is this the beginning of the path of Balance?
I am. . . Better now. Less angry. Less inclined toward destruction.
But I have a feeling that my answer won't come for a little while longer still.
So for now I will continue living.
And hope for my . . .
Eventual . . .