My Name Is Bucky

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A/N: while I was writing this, a giant spider was in my bed and oN MY FACE. I've now committed arson

I woke up screaming and thrashing around, trying to attack some unseen enemy that was threatening me. Immediately, arms hold me down so I wouldn't hurt myself. I cried out and kicked a few more times before my humanity came back, and the soldier retreated.

Steve.

Besides the fact that Steve was the only one I trusted when I first arrived, he was also the only one strong enough to hold me down when my nightmares got out of control. That was a big reason as to why we roomed together. He had nightmares too, but he didn't thrash around. He struggled silently, and would hold onto my real arm to remind himself that his dream wasn't real, and if it was a memory, that it was in the past, and it was better now.

My eyes couldn't focus, but they eventually landed on his face. His worried, sleepless face. I felt so guilty. "I'm sorry," I said as he relaxed and hugged me tightly. It was a phrase I said a lot, and I repeated it as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"No, Buck," he whispered and leaned back to look at me. "Don't be sorry. I'm here."

"You didn't sleep," I said, scanning his face and noticing the bags under his eyes.

He held onto my hand tightly, squeezing it. "You died," he sighed it out. I figured how painful it was. "You fell from that train and I couldn't do anything. It's all my fault."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" I asked, trying to comfort him. He'd seen a lot since I'd been gone. I knew it would affect him.

"You were tortured. Abused. Broken. Weaponized. I didn't stop them."

"You couldn't have, Steve," I whisper. He's grabbed my body, hugging me tightly and caressing my face with his right hand, feeling my face to make sure I'm real. "They would've turned you into a weapon too. Then I never would've been rescued."

Steve seemed to accept this answer. He nodded and looked into my eyes, trying to communicate with me in a way only we knew how to. He planted a sweet and gentle kiss on my cheek, making me nervous in a way I'd associate with a school girl.

I don't know what we were, but I knew it was okay to kiss him and hold his hand and be affectionate towards him. I remember the 40s, feeling something but being too afraid to act on it.

Steve nestled into my touch, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. I smiled to myself, holding him close and running my fingers through his short hair.

"I miss you," I whispered to what used to be the smaller man. I felt him smile against my neck. "I'm gonna go back to sleep, okay? Wake me if you have a nightmare."

He nodded and said something incoherent as I closed my eyes, feeling peaceful for the first time in sixty years.

***

Matt sighed, gently adjusting his glasses to not hurt his black eye. This man is not what he says he is, and I know it. We sat in Steve's living room, discussing our new, private case that we would bring to court.

Steve read over the file that Matt had brought as I stared the blind man down. There was something familiar about the way he titled his head, something that reminded me of the Devil chasing me in the woods and watching me from my window. But there was no way. Was there?

"Mr. Murdock," Steve our the file down and grabbed my hand gently, "I'm just nervous about another attack. Is there someway we can do an online hearing?"

Matt nodded. "I didn't think of that. I would need to be in person with you and Barnes, as I am not able to work a computer with video myself and in order to make sure everything goes smoothly. I'd just need to contact a judge with my partner."

I nodded. "Okay, that sounds good. And if I go to jail-"

"Bucky," Steve warned.

I ignored him. "No, I need to be ready. If I'm convicted, could we try to agree on some sort of house arrest?"

Matt sighed, rubbing his temple. "In your case, it is extremely unlikely that they would even allow that to be discussed." He paused, thinking. "But I can ask. You're not an innocent man, Barnes."

I sighed. "I'm aware."

Steve stood up and shook hands with Matt before sending him off. He waited until the lawyer left his room before he joined me on the couch, connecting our lips in a soft kiss.

I felt sparks fly up my spine as he pulled me closer to him, afraid I'd pull away or leave him. But I couldn't leave him. Not now. Not ever. I'd have to be pried from his hands if they ever wanted me away from him. I'd rather die.

"Stevie," I gently pulled away and rested my forehead against his. "All those nights we spent together, even in the 40s, sharing a bed and never separating, did you feel like this?"

He smiled shyly, allowing me to see the side of him that so many others didn't know. "Bucky, I've been in love with you since we were 14," he chuckled to himself.

That word, that confession, made my heart flutter in a way that it never had before. I hugged him tightly. "Stevie, I am so so sorry for everything."

He held me tightly and shook his head. "No, Buck. That wasn't you."

He's a liar. He hates you and this is all a trick. You think he could love a monster like you? You don't deserve him.

That's true. I don't deserve Steve. But he sees me as worthy, and he thinks I make him happy. My job is to make him happy no matter what, so I push my own demons and dark thoughts down into the gutter. It's time to focus on Steve. He went through so much.

Steve kissed me again. His kisses were so sweet and gentle, as if he was reminding me that it was going to be okay. He was about to kiss me again when we heard a cough at his door.

Sam stood in the doorway, trying to look like he wasn't embarrassed by the sight of us. Steve stood up and walked to the door while I stayed seated, trying to control my blush.

"Sorry, Steve, but it was getting time for training and I wanted to come and get you."

Steve smiled at his friend. "Alright, let me go get my gear." He headed out the door and downstairs.

Sam looked at me and smirked. "So, you're not as tough as you look, huh?"

I got up, putting on a scowl as I nudged him into the doorframe. I couldn't help but smile afterwards. I had finally found a friend.