Prom- Trixya

Chapter 4

Katya POV-

After the day at school my mom isn't too mad. She grounded me, not for the cigarettes but for being an idiot by getting caught. She knows why I have the cigarettes, she knows I'll stop when I can. But she also knows that grounding me isn't going to speed up that process. I'm a work in progress, I'm the first to admit it.

It's almost one in the morning and I have to be up at 6. That doesn't matter, I can't sleep. My body is tired, my muscles ache from being so tense, but my brain won't stop for long enough to sleep. That's how it is anymore.

I've been doing much better. And yet I can't stop thinking about what happens next. When you get so fucked up its weird to get better. To have a good day. And the way everything is in the world, no matter how badly you want to help yourself you aren't really supposed to. I'd wanted to talk about it before it all went bad, but I never did. I'm not stupid. I know that people don't believe you're hurting until you break. At least from my experience. I just wish I knew if anyone else felt the same.

My heart aches for my old life. My old friends and old school. The world was dull then, everything slightly muddled together in a haze of sadness. But at least it was my normal. I took comfort in it, comfort in feeling bad. There comes a point where you have to. At some point you can't feel anything else and you have to hold to it so you don't go numb. And coming out of that is what's so strange. I don't want to feel sad. But I need to, because it's what I've known for so long. I don't know how to feel anything else. I don't know how to change.

My time on my bedside clock keeps getting later and later. My head hurts I'm so exhausted, right behind my eyes. At this point I would've been crying if it was last year. But I don't want to do that anymore. I don't feel that I deserve to cry. Things are better now, I'm healthy, I'm okay, and so is every one around me. There really isn't a reason to cry. So I don't do it. My throat doesn't even go tight.

Trixie wonders back into my mind, her cute little smile. How can the rest of the grade not adore her? So far she's the only person I've met in this little town that seems genuine and kind. She doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, not even the ones that go against her. I don't think that Trixie would hurt a fly. But I've heard the rumors. I was told to stay away from her. First by Carly, then by a couple of boys, another small group of girls that offered their table to me. Carly told me that Trixie ditched their friendship because she thought she was better than everyone. The boys told me not to hang out with her because she would try to seduce me, and the girls told me that "girls support girls so you can't sit by one that's going to flirt with you."

I suppose I do know what that means. Trixie is likely queer too and that obviously doesn't bother me. It shouldn't bother everyone else as much as it does. As for Carly I'm not sure I believe what she had to say at all. I've only known Trixie for a few weeks but I don't think that she would just ditch someone. All of it doesn't quite add up. And then you factor in the things about Trixie that supposedly happened the day before I showed up. I never got the full story but thinking about it hard enough there's only a few things that could've happened. Especially because once you're out for a while people kind of give up on the taunting. But that hasn't happened yet for Trixie. It's like fresh information that continues to spread like wildfire. Part of me wants to say that Trixie came out of the closet on her own terms but I think I know better than that. Even if I wish it wasn't the case I'm nearly positive that someone forced her out. Someone told her secret. True or not doesn't matter. What matters is that they're hurting her for something so minor.

The worst of it is the pain on her face when it happens. Jason is the biggest problem but the others don't make an effort to stop him either. They don't do enough to catch the attention of staff and even if they did we're pretty much expected to fend for ourselves at this point. Trixie is strong, she can take it, but I don't blame her for feeling a little dejected.

I can't handle this right now. There's too much going on. I step out of my bed, my feet cramping when they hit the floor. My desk is by my window and I go to sit at the chair, pulling a cigarette out of the top drawer. As quietly as possible I pop the window open and push the screen out a bit. The cool night air fills the room, clearing my head slightly. The flame flickers in the darkness. My body feels warmer with it, softer. I can think a little more, less wildly, no longer completely erratic. And even still Trixie is in my mind. I see her how she's prettiest. When she's happy, her hair pristinely tied back in a pink scrunchie. Her eyes get smaller when she smiles, she has two dimples under her bottom lip that only appear when she laughs. I wouldn't mind it if she kissed me, held me. If anyone had to tell me that things were going to be okay, I'd want it to be her. Maybe if she said it I would believe it. And even if she doesn't say it to me, with her I want to believe it. I have a second chance at everything in my life. This time I want it to go better. I want to prove to myself that I can be okay. Whatever that is.

I'm learning what it means to be okay.

I relate to Katya on such a high level in this chapter rip. Anyways, for the few of you reading I hope you're enjoying this fun little story we have going on lol. I'm really excited for it :p

Have a wonderful day <3