In Between

CHAPTER 11: IN DILEMMA

A week has passed, and within that short period of time, Ariane went to different places in Canada with Christine, hoping that it would somehow help her forget the memories she and Matteo shared together, but she failed in all those attempts. Wherever she looks, all she can see is Matteo’s smiling face. Even in her sleep, her dreams are always about him and their memories way back in Italy.
 
Ariane once thought of going back to Italy just so she could see him again, but she stopped herself. Call her selfish, but she chose herself again. She won’t allow anyone or anything to ruin her plan for herself. It was long overdue already. She can’t let another person close to her heart hinder her from making her dreams come true.
 
Today, they planned to go to Niagara Falls and stay there for a day, thinking that the iconic natural attraction of the place might help her relax and get Matteo off her mind.
 
She lazily laid on the bed while waiting for Christine to finish her daily routine. She waited for nearly an hour before she felt Christine’s presence beside her.
 
Ariane glanced at Christine, and when she saw Christine looking intently at her, she got up and sat beside her with their feet settled on the carpeted floor.
 
“What’s with that look?” she asked, confused with why Christine was looking at her like she was trying to read what was on her mind.
 
Christine took a deep breath. “Can we talk?”
 
“Can it wait? You see, we have plans for today,” she answered with a shrug.
 
“It can’t wait. I have to talk to you now,” Christine instantly answered with emphasis in her last sentence.
 
Ariane tried to read the emotion on Christine’s face, but she failed. Her face is void of any emotion.
 
Ariane sighed in defeat. “Fine. Just make it quick. I’m not really in the mood to have a long conversation with anyone.”
 
Ariane waited for Christine to talk, but she heard nothing. Minutes passed, and Christine just stared at her like she was still contemplating whether telling her what was on her mind was really the best choice.
 
Ariane waited for another minute. When Christine just remained silent, she decided to be the one to initiate the conversation. But before she could even open her mouth to talk, she felt Christine’s hands holding hers as she looked deep into her eyes.
 
“Ariane, I’ve been an understanding friend these past few days, but I can’t take this anymore.” Christine sighed heavily as she gently squeezed Ariane’s hands.
 
“I know something is bothering you. You look bothered and in pain ever since we met after your trip to Italy. Is there something I should know?” Christine worriedly asked.
 
“Nothing,” she instantly lied, and she abruptly looked away to avoid Christine’s gaze.
 
Ariane felt Christine’s hold tighten—a sign that she did not like her answer. But instead of taking it back, she held her ground and let Christine burst into a fit of fury.
 
“Ariane, stop pretending and lying for goddamn sake! It is all over your face!” Christine gripped her jaw and forced her to look at her. “I can see the pain in your eyes. Yes, you always smile, but you are forcing it.”
 
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she denied while roaming her eyes around the corners of the room to avoid meeting Christine’s eyes, which are now filled with disappointment and worry.
 
“You don’t know? Darn it!” Christine hissed at her as she released her jaw.
 
“Are you making a fool out of me?” Christine asked her, her voice as cold as ice.
 
“I’m not. You’re just thinking too much,” she denied again.
 
Christine abruptly let go of her hand. “You want to play innocent? Fine, I’ll let you. But expect me to hire a private investigator who will give me a fuckin’ answer to all my queries,” Christine blackmailed her, making her turn her gaze back at Christine, who received a glare in return.
 
“Don’t you dare!” she shouted at Christine with a menacing tone.
 
“Don’t you dare raise your voice at me! I’m just fucking worried!” Christine shouted back at her, but minutes later, she was already calm, like nothing had happened. “I badly wanted to help you. But how do you expect me to help you if I don’t even know a shit about your problem?”
 
Ariane can feel the desperation... the pain in Christine’s voice, and she feels bad knowing that she’s the reason behind it.
 
Ariane looked down, feeling guilty and embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”
 
Christine gently held her jaw, guiding her to meet her gaze. And when they came face-to-face with each other, Christine instantly let go of her jaw. “If you’re really sorry, tell me what’s bothering you so I can help. I’ve given you too much time to sulk already. I think it’s about time to open up.”
 
Ariane became silent while looking intently at Christine and thinking about the right thing to do. Whether to tell her what she wants to know or keep it to herself, like she’s been doing for a week now.
 
“Tell me what happened in Italy,” Christine said, which brought her back to her senses.
 
“Nothing—” Ariane was about to spit another lie, but before she could even finish her sentence, Christine cut her off already.
 
“Tell me now.”
 
Ariane can sense the finality in Christine’s voice, like she was telling her that whatever she does—even if she refuses to answer her countless times—she will never get tired of asking her the same question until she gets the answer she wants.
 
Yet Ariane is also firm in her decision to keep it a secret. So she refused to give Christine the answer she wanted, and she held her ground. But Christine is really persistent. Christine kept on forcing her to tell her what happened in Italy, and she didn’t have any choice but to do so before her ears bled with Christine’s nonstop compulsion.
 
Ariane told Christine everything that happened in Italy—from her first day to her last day, which was the same day her heart got torn into pieces. She didn’t leave anything behind, and Christine was just listening attentively the whole time.
 
“Did you regret your decision? Do you regret leaving him behind?” Christine asked after a moment of silence.
 
Christine’s question caught Ariane off guard. It never crossed her mind, which is why it made her ask herself the same question.
 
Ariane became silent for a couple of minutes. And when she realized what her response to Christine’s question was, she then faced her and smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
 
“Fortunately, I don’t have any regrets. I don’t regret that I chose myself once in my life,” she answered without any hesitation.
 
“But you’re in pain,” Christine pointed out.
 
Ariane nodded her head nonchalantly. “You’re right. I’m in severe pain. I won’t deny it. But this pain, this heartache...” Ariane caressed her left chest with a sad smile plastered on her lips. “It will heal in no time. Yes, it’ll be long, but I’ll forget about him someday. I’ll be able to move on.” She gave Christine a weak smile, like she was telling her she'd be better soon. That time will mend her broken heart.
 
“You really want to move on?” Christine asked her, and she nodded in return. “Then let’s go home. You need your family in times like this. Being here in Canada won’t make you any good.”
 
Ariane’s forehead instantly furrowed. “Are you suggesting we end our vacation?” she still asked, even if it was already obvious, just to make sure she heard it right.
 
Christine chuckled lightly, as if she had heard a funny story. “Seriously, Ariane? You call it a vacation?” Christine asked her with sarcasm in her tone.
 
Ariane bit her lower lip in embarrassment and looked down. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”
 
Christine tilted her jaw with so much care—like a glass that will break if not handled with care. This time, she voluntarily met Christine’s gaze, who instantly smiled the moment their eyes met.
 
“You have nothing to apologize‚ my dear friend. It’s not your fault that your heart got broken.” Christine’s smile never faltered.
 
“But—”
 
“No buts. We’re going home‚” Christine firmly said, cutting off her protest.
 
“What about your one-month vacation?” Ariane asked, still guilty for ruining their vacation. “You still have three weeks to enjoy your break.”
 
If Ariane will be honest and true to herself, she will immediately say yes to what Christine suggested. She badly wanted to go home and be with her family. She wanted to spend her remaining vacation with them, hoping that they'd be able to help her forget about Matteo.
 
She was thinking that maybe, just maybe, if they'd have some quality time together... she’ll be able to realize that she doesn’t need a man in her life to be happy. That all she needed was a family that would make her feel valued and special, just like how Matteo made her feel those emotions she considered herself incapable of feeling. But she can’t be selfish, even just for today. Christine had been through a lot already, just like her. She has a family to support, and she was only given a month in a year to relax and enjoy life. She doesn’t want to ruin her supposedly happy vacation.
 
“And you think that I can be happy and enjoy my vacation knowing that my friend is suffering?” Christine answered, making her feel bad.
 
She can’t help but look down. She’s ashamed to admit that she ruined their vacation. This month should be one of the most memorable and unforgettable moments of their lives, but in just a blink, everything is in ruins. And it’s all on her. She made it happen.
 
She felt Christine’s motion beside her, but she remained unmoving. Even when she saw Christine’s feet just an inch away from hers, she stayed in her position. She doesn’t have the guts to face her after what she did. But when she felt Christine’s hands on her shoulders, she abruptly looked up, only to see the radiant smile on Christine’s lips.
 
“Come on. Cheer up! It’s not yet the end of the world. We have all the time in the world to go out of the country for an awesome vacation,” Christine cheered her up, and she couldn’t help but inwardly smile because of her friend’s thoughtfulness.
 
Christine has always been like this. She always prioritizes someone’s happiness and welfare over herself, especially if that someone is close to her. Just like how she prioritized her family’s welfare and chose to study a course she doesn’t even like just so they could cut their expenses. That’s what brought them together—that’s what made their friendship stronger.
 
It really felt nice on Ariane’s part to know that someone was willing to give up her own happiness just for her. Christine is the only person who can make her feel like this. Christine is the only person she knows who will choose her, just like how she chose her family six years ago.
 
She reached for Christine’s hand and gently squeezed it while looking at her lovingly. “Thank you, Tin. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
 
“Don’t mention it. It’s no big deal. That’s what friends are for.” Christine cockily winked at her, making her chuckle lightly.
 
“Yeah, right,” she nonchalantly answered, and a smile made its way to her lips for the first time since she left Italy.
 
“That’s it! Smile!” Christine exclaimed happily before cupping her face. “It suits you better.”
 
Her smile never disappeared, but she shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”
 
Christine released her face from her hold and straightened her back without breaking their eye contact.
 
“Ariane, dear, I really want to keep our conversation going, but I have to go,” Christine said while pouting like a kid who’s having a tantrum.
 
Ariane frowned at what Christine said. “Are we still going to Niagara Falls like we planned?” she asked out of confusion.
 
Christine burst into laughter and gave her a ‘duh’ look when she sobered up.
 
“Ariane, I said I. I didn’t say we,” Christine corrected her, emphasizing the pronoun she used.
 
Ariane was about to ask another question when Christine talked again before she could even open her mouth.
 
“And no, I’m not going there. I’ll be out to book us a flight so we can go home as soon as possible,” Christine added.
 
“Want me to accompany you?” she offered.
 
Christine shook her head, ruffling her hair. “Nope. You should rest. You need it. You didn’t have a good sleep the whole week.”
 
“You sure?” she asked, just to make sure that Christine doesn’t really need her company.
 
“Yeah. Hundred percent sure. So, get change because I’m sure as hell that with your jacket and scarf on, sleepiness will become more elusive,” Christine answered playfully, making her chuckle.
 
“Okay. Just take care and call me if you need anything,” she reminded Christine.
 
“I will. Bye.”
 
“Bye.”
 
When Christine left, Ariane forced herself to sleep, but just like the other days, Matteo’s image crossed her mind again, making her restless. And since she couldn’t sleep no matter how hard she tried, she frustratedly got up and went to the kitchenette to preoccupy herself with food.
 
Meanwhile, Matteo has been locking himself inside his room for a week already. When Ariane left, it seemed like he also lost his will to live. He barely eats or sleeps. He only gets up to take a shower and change his clothes, and then he will eventually get back to lying on the bed without combing his messy and wet hair—staring at his room’s ceiling, where Ariane’s image kept on playing like a freaking flashback.
 
Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours, but Matteo wasn’t even shocked to find himself in the same position. He’s already used to it. He lost track of time like a lost kid.
 
He was having a staring contest with the ceiling when he felt a hand caressing his cheek, making him get up from his bed and look at the one who did it with an arched look.
 
His face instantly softened when he saw his mother sitting on his bed with a bitter smile while looking at him intently.
 
“Hey, are you okay?” his mother asked him while gently combing his messy hair with her fingers.
 
“I’m not okay,” he conceded. There’s no point in keeping it that long from his mother. It’s obvious anyway, and he’s fucking sure that his mother has been dying to ask him that question since the first day of his sulking session.
 
“Want to talk about it?” his mom asked again in a soft voice, like she’s trying to tell him that if he’s not yet ready to talk about it, then she will leave his room right there and then.
 
He can feel how worried his mother is about his wellbeing. Well, it’s already given. He’s an only child, and his mother has nothing to do in their huge house but worry over him. Not to mention that this is the first time his mother has seen him in his worst state.
 
Thinking of ways to make it up to his mother and lessen the burden he had caused her these past few days, he nodded. He might as well tell a soul about his heartache and have someone give him advice on how to deal with it.
 
“Spill it. I’ll listen.” His mom signaled him to start, and he did.
 
He told his mother everything about the conversation that he and Ariane had before she left.
 
A lone tear fell from his eye as he spoke. “I miss her, mom. I want to see her face. I want to be with her,” he said between his sobs when he finished telling his mother what she has to know.
 
“Then what are you waiting for? Go chase her!” his mom urged him.
 
Matteo can’t contain the fear that crept through his system upon hearing her mother’s response to his confession.
 
“I can’t,” he whispered as he looked down, ashamed to elaborate on his reason.
 
His mom put her index finger on his chin and guided him to look up to her. When their eyes met, his mom raised her brow at him, like he had just said something unacceptable. “And why is that?”
 
“Like I said, she’s now in Canada,” he uttered, like it would do justice to his answer.
 
His mom’s brow raised even more. “So?” she asked him nonchalantly, like his answer didn’t even make sense to her.
 
“Mom, you know I can’t fly to another country. My life will be on the line,” he answered, feeling ashamed of his lame reason.
 
“And how sure are you that your life will be at risk?” His mom ruffled his hair, and a bitter smile made its way to her lips. “Son, you are not one of the passengers of the plane that crashed years ago for a reason,” his mom pointed out.
 
He frowned. “And what reason are you trying to say?”
 
He can’t think of any reasons at the moment. All he knows is that he almost lost his life, and it’s all thanks to his mom that he didn’t. If not for her and her fever, he would have been buried six feet below the ground.
 
“That it’s not yet your time to leave the world,” his mom answered with a shrug. She reached for his hand, then gently squeezed it like she was trying to make him feel better. “Son, come to think of it. I almost got a miscarriage countless times when I was pregnant with you. But look, you’re alive and kicking. Isn’t that enough reason for you to realize that death can’t take you yet because it’s not yet time for you to face it? Believe me, if it’s already time, whether you leave the country or not, you’ll definitely die one way or another.”
 
His mom’s words were engraved in his mind. It took him a couple of minutes to realize that his mom was right after all. Just come to think of it. His life has been put in danger many times already, even before he was born, but until now, he’s indeed still alive.
 
“Still in a dilemma?” his mom asked, cutting off his thoughts.
 
He nodded his head involuntarily.
 
“Let me help you decide then,” his mom volunteered.
 
His forehead furrowed at his mom’s words. “H-How?”
 
His mom cupped his face and looked into his eyes lovingly with a small smile. “Just answer my questions with utmost honesty. Can you do that?”
 
“Yeah. I can definitely do that,” he answered while nodding his head.
 
“Good. Now, here’s my first question.” She paused for a second and took a deep breath before asking. “Do you love her?”
 
“Of course I do! What kind of question is that?” he hissed at his mom in disbelief.
 
His mom put her thumb over his lips to shut him up.
 
“Shh. Just answer it. You’re not allowed to ask any question,” his mom said sternly.
 
He sighed in defeat. “Fine.”
 
“Good boy.” His mom playfully tapped his head like a kid.
 
“Next question.” His mom became serious before asking him another question. “Do you miss her?”
 
“Yes,” he instantly answered, and his mom bombarded him with corresponding questions, and he gave her honest answers.
 
“Is she in your dreams?”
 
“Every night.”
 
“Do you often see an image of her?”
 
“Yeah. Most of the time. Wherever I am.”
 
“Do you regret that you let her go?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
“Do you want to see her again?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
“Can you imagine yourself without her?”
 
“I don’t have to imagine because I’m already experiencing it, and it’s hellish.”
 
His forehead furrowed when his mom grinned at him. He was about to ask her why she was grinning from ear to ear when he remembered that he was not allowed to ask any questions.
 
He reluctantly pressed his lips together to stop himself from asking his mom questions and let her continue asking him questions.
 
“How are you feeling right now?”
 
“Miserable and lifeless.”
 
His mom’s grin widened. “Last question.” His mom’s face became serious, like what she was about to ask was a matter between life and death.
 
“If you’re afraid to leave the country, does it mean that you’re not afraid to lose her forever?” her mom asked him, giving him a meaningful look.
 
He abruptly stood up and glared at his mom, who was sitting comfortably on his bed.
 
“No! That’s not it! I’m more than afraid to lose her!” he snapped at her.
 
“Bingo!” her mom squealed like she just won a bet worth a million, making him frown.
 
His mom chuckled at his reaction before she stood up to level their faces. “You said it yourself. You already have the answer. You’re more than afraid to lose her, so I assume that you would do anything just to have her.”
 
“If only I could,” he said in a low voice, almost a whisper, as he looked down, still embarrassed by his cowardice.
 
“Well, you can and you will,” his mom said with full confidence, like she could already see the end of it and figure out what his decision would be. “Because if you really love her, you’ll take the risk just to be with her.”
 
He took a deep breath before looking up at his mom with a sad glow on his face. “But what if traveling to another country will be the death of me? How can I see her and be with her if I’ll die in the process?”
 
His mom just laughed at his question. “Silly. Have you forgotten why I named you Matteo Emanuele?”
 
“Because I’m a gift from God and He’s always with us?” he answered with a frown, still unable to get his mom’s point.
 
“Yeah, you’re right. So rest assured that no matter what happens, no matter what your decision is, He’ll always keep you safe. Just have trust in Him and everything will be fine,” his mom assured him, giving him a reassuring smile.
 
He somehow felt relieved. His mom was right. God is with him. He’s not alone in this battle. But he still has something to think of.
 
“And what about you?” he asked his mom, worried about what would happen to her if she will be left alone.
 
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. And besides, your dad will be home tomorrow,” his mom answered, giving him the assurance that nothing will go wrong.
 
Yeah. His dad would definitely be home by tomorrow evening. But still, he can’t help but worry over his parents, especially his mom, who’s always left alone in their house when he and his dad are working.
 
He’s still in a dilemma, even after his heart-to-heart talk with his mom. But this time, his fear is slowly fading. The only thing that was holding him back was the fact that he had to leave his parents behind.
 
If ever he chooses to stay and be with his parents, Ariane would be the price. He’ll lose her without a goddamn fight, and he can’t let that happen. Not even in his wildest dreams. But what about his parents? Can he abandon them?
 
“Don’t worry. I'll call you from time to time,” his mom added, somehow making him feel at ease.
 
His mom always keeps her words, which is why even if she didn’t mention the word ‘promise’, he is hundred percent sure that his mom will call him from time to time. It’s already enough to give him the assurance that even if they were miles apart, they would still be in touch with each other. But that assurance alone isn’t enough for him to decide to go after Ariane, especially since it’s a big risk on his part. He’s not even sure if Ariane is still in Canada, and if she’s really there, he has no idea where the hell he can find her. All he knows is that Canada is Ariane’s next destination before going home.
 
“Looks like you are still in a dilemma,” his mom remarked, cutting off his thoughts. “I’ll just prepare something for lunch. Think about it and come find me if you’ve made up your mind.”
 
He just nodded his head to answer his mom. He’s still not in the mood to talk. He has a lot in mind.
 
When his mother left the room, he went back to thinking about the best thing to do.
 
His fear might be slowly fading, but it’s still there. It isn’t that easy to conquer his fear; that’s why he’s asking himself. Can he really face his fear? Can he really take the risk? Can he really trust what his mother says? That he’ll land on Canada’s soil unscathed?
 
Well, it’s for him to find out.

A/N: Can’t wait to end this story🤧