CALVIN

forty-four: the bad night

I closed the door softly. Nobody turned on the lights. I felt Calvin's hands find my waist - it made me shiver - and he pushed me gently against the wall. He was messing with me: he was kissing everywhere except my lips. I wanted to do something with my hands, something sexy, incredibly provocative but passionate, and at the same time timid and sweet. Instead my hands were just sort of suspended in negative space, sometimes holding his face or his shirt collar, but most of the time just wishing they were more practiced.

When he finally kissed my lips there was this moment where neither of us wanted to let go. We made our way to my bed, trying not to trip over all my shit on the floor. I stood above my bed for a second. What did people do now? Should I try to do what they do in movies? Should I try to do what they do in porn? Savage push onto the bed, extravagant taking-off of the shirt, and wild fucking throughout the night? Does Calvin have kinks? Will he ask me to call him Daddy, to choke him, to tickle his feet? Will he want to go straight for the butt-stuff? Will he want to take it slow? How long should foreplay last? When is that point where foreplay transitions into actual sex? Will I know that point when it comes? Will that point be awkward? Will that point be in two minutes or two hours? Does my dick look ugly? Will -

He did push me onto the bed. Oh God. So it is like porn. He crawled on top of me. It was slow. It was almost calculated. Nervous, light laugh. Kissing. He kissed me deeply. Am I kissing back? Am I reciprocating the tongue? Is Calvin as tense as I am right now? I hope he doesn't feel how tense I am. I hope he doesn't touch me. 

I was starting to get angry at myself. People who have sex don't think this much. They just rip off their clothes and do the deed and reap the rewards. How can anyone have an orgasm when all they're doing is making predictions about how the next few minutes will go?

He was taking off his shirt. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. So it's going to be slow sex. I can do slow sex. No, I take it back - he was lifting my jumper over my head - I can't do slow sex. I can't do any sex. How do you do this, Calvin Taylor? How do you manage to let people into your bubble? How are you so comfortable with yourself? 

More kisses. Alright, I wanted it. I wanted him naked. I wanted myself naked. I wanted it to be perfect and painless and passionate. I wanted every inch of him. I've gotten embarrassingly hard at the thought of Calvin too many times to give up on this stellar opportunity for sexual fulfillment. Here he was. Flesh and bone, warmth and invigorating touch. Right here, ripe for the taking. All I had to do was twist the stem and sink my teeth into the juicy flesh. Am I seriously comparing Calvin to a ripe fruit? 

His pelvis was pressing against my pelvis. He kept trying to kiss me harder, as if he could feel me slipping away and wanted to keep me here. He unbuttoned my trousers, and slid his hand down my pants. Here we go. Let's see how you can fuck this up, Elias. The boy you've had a crush on the whole year is finally in your pants. You're such a pussy. You're such a fucking pussy -

"Are you okay?" his breath was warm on my face. His hand stopped moving.

I nodded. "Yeah." Everything was moving a mile a second. He was in my pants. He was kissing my neck. He felt really heavy. Or am I just really weak? How is he gonna react when he realizes I can't do this? Is he going to be angry? Is he going to curse me out and slam the door behind him? Is he going to go through with it anyways, but for himself, and not for me? Is he going to cry? Is he going to hurt me, pick a fight with me?

He was taking off my trousers. Deposited them over the side of the bed. He unbuckled his own belt and draped my bare legs over his hips. Can he tell I'm not breathing? Does that worry him? I sat up a bit to try and get a better breath in. Focus. Fucking focus. You fucking inconvenience. Sex is good. Sex is fine. Yes, Calvin, have your way with me. Split me in two, bend it like Beckham, park your car in my garage. All of it is good. All of it is okay.