The Witness

8

Fuck, I still couldn't get it right!

I entered the campus library after my ASL class and felt the joint of my pinky finger lock up in protest. With midterms rapidly approaching, I wanted to ensure that I could sign the simple sentences requested of us. Ignoring the discomfort, I tried to sign another of today's one-liners.

I need a book.

Suddenly, a tall shadow interrupted the fluorescent lighting that I had been using to gauge my progress. I glanced up, unaware that I had been walking aimlessly, and stopped just before plowing into a rather tall man. He was facing me directly, his cerulean eyes intensely focused on me, while his hands moved fluidly through a frenzy of contortions.

I froze. What was happening?

The man, unperturbed, restarted his routine. I stared, mouth agape, unsure of what spurred this interaction. My common sense kicked in after another fifteen seconds of awkward, motionless staring (on my part).

I was the one who walked into the library signing.

"I'm actually a...Hearing person?" The last bit of my muttering sounded too much like a question. Seeing the man's hands drop, I remembered the last phrase I had attempted to sign. "I don't really need any books."

"Oh." The man's voice betrayed a hint of disappointment. Clearly, he was a Hearing person too. "May I ask why you were - "

"Signing my way through the library?" I interrupted with a nervous laugh. After so many months spent in isolation, this conversation was absolutely mortifying. I couldn't even let the man finish his sentence! "I'm studying ASL and our midterm is next week."

"Ah - well, next time maybe look where you're walking." The man flashed a cool smile; the whiteness of his teeth stood in stark juxtaposition to his severely tanned skin. I merely stared - again - unsure of how to do banter anymore. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Sorry - I'm Josh Nagel. I'm a graduate student studying History."

"Nice to meet you, Josh." I found my voice and hefted my sagging backpack back up onto my shoulder. An awkward pause persisted for several seconds before I realized that it was my turn for introductions. "I'm S...I'm sorry. My name is Jess."

"Cat got your tongue today?" Josh laughed, a silky melody filled with deep baritone notes. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I work here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My brother is Deaf...so if you ever need an ASL tutor, I'm your man!"

At that last line, he pivoted on his heel and began to walk back to the librarian's desk.

"Wait!" I called, surprising even myself with my boldness. Josh paused and glanced over his shoulder, and I shifted uneasily before finishing my thought. "Can we start now?"

He smiled and motioned for me to follow him.

"Jesus, Sam!" John's voice echoed through a tiny microphone lodged inside my ear. "At least let me run a background check on him first."

"Oh, hush." I muttered into the wire, energized by my newfound bravery. "I'm at the library, not a nightclub."

*****

"Samantha, would you please focus?" My therapist quipped, an exasperated sigh barely concealed by her endless note-taking. I blinked and nodded, realizing that I hadn't been paying attention in the slightest. My counterpart, satisfied, repeated her question. "How are you feeling?"

"My name is Sam. And - different." My reply was quick, but honest. Knowing that my therapist would probe deeper, I continued my train of thought. "I think I...made a friend."

"Really?" Her response overflowed with incredulity. "Tell me about it!"

Jesus, had I really become that much of a recluse?

"Yeah, his name is Josh." I shrugged, wanting to downplay this moment. If I made too big of a deal out of this change, my therapist would call it a 'breakthrough'. I couldn't stand that word. "He works at the library and is going to help me study for my ASL midterm."

Truthfully, our first impromptu teaching lesson had been quite helpful. In just two hours, I solidified my flow through the alphabet and could introduce myself without needing to pause and return to a teaching video for reference. The way Josh explained concepts was far better than our professor. I didn't mind that he sometimes had to disappear to help an undergraduate find an archived article or process book returns. I could practice better that way.

Studying with Josh just felt easy.

"Well, it sounds like you made quite the breakthrough." My therapist smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood, but I knew that each 'breakthrough' came with more homework from therapy. "Will you study together again?"

"I'm going back tomorrow." I admitted as a smile begged to flourish across my lips. Having a friend felt nice.

Especially when that friend wasn't John.

"That's great news!" At this point, I felt that my counterpart thought me to be a horrible shut-in. Never had I ever received such praise for making one friend. "And how does it feel to try on being Jess for awhile?"

"Jess isn't a pair of shoes." I protested, unsure of how to answer. Honesty seemed like the best policy within the confines of these whitewashed walls; my therapist always called me out when I was lying. "But...it felt kind of nice? Yesterday was fun...in a weird way. I gave John a heart attack by the end."

"Oh?" My counterpart grinned, all too familiar with my disdain at being micromanaged. I trusted John with my life, but after six months I realized that I wanted to live again. "And why was that?"

"Well at first he was mad because he couldn't run a background check." I recounted slowly, ensuring that I captured every detail of thoroughly irking my Handler. "He didn't much care for the conversations we had between ASL practice rounds. I didn't slip up about my identity; I was just a new transfer student without many friends! But the end was what really pissed John off."

"Do tell." My therapist leaned forward, giving an excellent facade of girl talk. For just a moment, I let myself revel in the attention. I didn't get much time before she persisted. "What happened between you and this Josh?"

"He...invited me to a party this weekend. Before you say anything, it was clearly a pity invite for the 'new girl with no friends'." I exhaled deeply, amazed by the circumstances of Jess's existence for a brief moment. "Apparently a couple of his classmates from his grad school cohorte are going to his apartment to watch a race. And he asked me if I wanted to come."

"What did you say?" I could hear the excitement tingling in her voice. "Are you going to go?"

"I told him I'd give my answer tomorrow." I sighed and leaned my head back, relieved to have been able to share my excited confusion with someone else. John wasn't one for giggling and speculating; he was more of a rough and tough brawler. My reverie ended and I was suddenly jolted back into my own story. "I said I'd have to check my work schedule."

"Do you have to work?" My therapist queried, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. I shook my head in a silent indication that my weekend was wide open, which only gave her ammunition to probe further. "I think you should go."

"You do?" I snorted, my fingers fiddling idly with a fray in my jeans. "Why's that?"

"Well, you took a big step trying on Jess for a day and it went well." Her point wasn't a strong one, but I nodded nonetheless. "Plus, this interaction has changed you. For the first time in six months, you haven't spent a second of our session talking about your life in New York."

For the first time in six months, I didn't know what to say.