Finding Happiness [Wakatoshi Ushijima]

18. selfish

Art above by: @hk_smith_man

"We're walking," I said once we got outside, away from the crowds.

"You're hard to catch up to," he stuffed his hands in his pockets and stopped to lean against a pole.

I stood with him, scanning him head to toe. He wore dark pants with an oversized Adidas jacket over a navy blue shirt. He looked good. Tired, but good. I wasn't sure how he got here, maybe he took the train.

"I tried to catch up to you the other day on your run but I'm not sure you heard me," he continued.

"I don't see why you were trying to talk to me," I shoved my own hands into my track jacket's pockets.

He looked up confused, "Because we haven't talked to each other in a while."

Now I was confused, "Because you were ignoring me."

He turned away from me, ashamed and unable to find the words. "I didn't know what to say."

A humorless laugh escaped me, "so you decided not to say anything at all? You couldn't even look at me."

"I'm sorry."

"Do you know how stupid I felt? I thought you may have liked me but I was dead wrong, I was an idiot-" my voice broke.

"No," he reached for me but I took a step back.

"If you don't like someone back, tell them. Don't confuse them by kissing them and making them believe you care for them only to disappear-"

He cupped my cheeks and kissed me. I shoved him away to see pain in his eyes that matched my own.

He ran his hands through his hair as he turned around.

"That's what you do, right?" My voice was harsh as I was putting the puzzle together in my head. "Instead of talking you would rather silence them with your actions, Mr. Ace? Well, you can leave because you've already hurt me enough and I have a competition to win."

"Akina wait!" He called after me when I was already halfway to the entrance. I slowly turned around.

Wakatoshi didn't look like his normal self. He looked wild, his hair a mess and eyes desperate. Ready to plead. I didn't recognize him.

With only two feet between us he reached for my hand with that desperation and said, "I love you. I thought I made it clear that night."

I looked down at his hands holding mine then back to his wide brown eyes. My body urged to be closer to him, to let him hold me against his chest and breathe in his scent.

When I didn't move or say anything, he continued. "I just... I didn't know what to do. I was selfish. I loved you before you confessed and I was ready to love you in silence and from a distance but when you confessed, I took advantage of it."

"Then... why did you stop talking to me?" My voice was barely above a whisper. I was afraid he didn't hear me.

He squeezed my hand tighter, "I don't... I can't be in a relationship. I'm sorry."

"Oh..."

"I put everything I have into volleyball and it will make me a shitty boyfriend, but my dream is to become a professional player. I'm not going to let my feelings get in the way of that."

I pulled my hand away from his, "I get it." I did understand, now that my time wasn't going to Wakatoshi, I was training hard enough to go to Nationals. "I just wish you would have told me before anything happened between us."

"I was selfish but I'll do what I have to do to make it up to you, Akina."

As soon as he said my name, I was hugging him. It's what I needed to hear and I trusted that he felt bad for what he did. And maybe I was selfish too, all I thought about was being in the moment and how I felt for him and what he felt for me.

"You better make a Division-1 team or else I'll be upset with you," I mumbled into his chest and felt it shake as he laughed.

"I will," his arms were tight around me. "And I'll have a good advertising team."

I smiled up at him, "You'll need to pass high school first."

"Good thing I have a great tutor."

(A/N: Hi! Thank you so much for reading! Next chapter will be seven years into the future and will contain a spoiler from the manga {Ushijima's profession} but I did my best to avoid all other spoilers. Hope you guys enjoy!)