Finding Happiness [Wakatoshi Ushijima]

19. happy tears

Art by: Suncelia

7 years later

I balanced my toddler on my hip as he watched his father score a service ace, it was the first of the game and excitement showed on my little Yokuto's face.

"Dada!" He tugged on the front of my shirt, making sure I saw it.

Of course I saw Wakatoshi score. We had been married for a little over three years now and I still got starstruck by him when he played. I never missed a game, not that our son would let me. Yokuto was almost three and had an obsession with volleyball that rivaled his father's. Even though the loud noises of the crowd scared him, I would put his headphones on and hold him as his eyes stayed glued to the game.

"He's going to be a setter," I would tell Wakatoshi to get under his skin. Turns out that Yokuto's favorite player on the Schweiden Adlers wasn't his father... It was the setter, Tobio Kageyama.

"Fast! Fast!" Yokuto yelled as his father served again. When the ball made it back to the Alder's side, Yokuto made the same arm motions as Kageyama as he set the ball. "Woosh!"

Even though Wakatoshi and I conceived Yokuto out of wedlock, there was no mistaking him for Wakatoshi's son. He looked like a shrunken version of him. Not that there was any doubt that he was fathered by anyone else, but Wakatoshi and I's relationship was never truly defined until we got engaged.

In highschool, he focused on volleyball and I focused on my grades and track. Tutoring sessions continued but often turned steamy and resulted in more than just studying. We were friends, I would have even called him my best friend, but we never put a label on our relationship. It hurt sometimes, especially when I heard other girls talk about him, but looking back I think a relationship would have put a strain on us. We took pressure off the other and had fun.

Then after graduation, I studied abroad in Italy and the US while he continued with volleyball. I entered a serious relationship at 19 with a young man from Italy but cut things off when I moved to the US to continue my studies in Business. I was so heartbroken over that relationship and overstimulated from being in a different country that I didn't think about my first love. That was until I was scrolling through Twitter and saw the Schweiden Adlers had signed a new player: Wakatoshi Ushijima. I was so happy that I started doing a happy dance while riding the subway.

For the first time in a few years, I had thought about texting him. It made me anxious. Then I thought, what if he has a girlfriend? For that whole day, all I could think about was texting him.

By the end of the day, I sat alone in my bedroom, listening to my roommates fight over microwavable pizza rolls when I got the courage. It would be no big deal. My stomach was filled with butterflies as I sent:

Saw you signed with Schweiden Adlers! That's amazing, Waka-chan:') I knew you could do it! Hope you're well and much success~~

I waited for a response for a stupid amount of time, checking my phone so often that I annoyed myself and ended up stuffing my phone in a cereal box so I wouldn't look at it.

In the morning, I dug my phone out of the box to take it with me to school when I saw among my misread texts two from "Waka-chan". I almost dropped my phone from excitement.

Thank you, was all the first message said.

I went to the next one foolishly wishing for more than a simple thank you. It had been years since I had spoken to him and I suddenly had an ache in my chest from missing him. I missed his touch, the way he would hold me at night, his voice, the way he cared, his stability. I missed him so much sometimes it hurt like a punch to the heart.

I am glad to hear from you, Akina. I hope you're well and happy. You'll have to come back to Japan to see a game.

I smiled at my phone and texted back I wasn't planning on coming back anytime soon, but I'll make an exception.

My phone buzzed minutes later with a text from him, Your ticket will be ready.

I suddenly felt like a giddy teenager again. I hugged my phone close to my chest and smiled for a week straight like an idiot.

I finally went home a month later. Not because I wanted to see Wakatoshi play, the season hadn't even started, but because my father passed away. I hadn't seen him since my 18th birthday, almost two years. I could also count the times we talked over the phone on one hand since then.

It still hurt.

We argued most of the time, but it was after his death that I remembered the times he would ride every ride I wanted at Disney even if it upset his stomach. I remembered him sitting down with my granny as she taught him how to do my favorite braids. How he would sit down with me every morning to watch Sailor Moon.

There were so many happy memories I had forgotten until the day I stood with my mom and brother at his funeral.

He had been sick for years and he never told me. He didn't tell my mom or brother either. Instead, he distanced himself. I also guessed that his illness was the real reason he didn't want to divorce my mother, he knew his death was coming and wanted her to be a part of the will.

I was cleaning out my father's penthouse when I flipped through some channels and saw a volleyball match. I instantly recognized Wakatoshi. That moment felt like a blessing because for a solid week, I felt a horrible numbing sadness. I hadn't released a single tear until I saw Wakatoshi step up to the service line in his Schweiden Alders' uniform. It was happy tears, I was so proud and happy that someone I cared about was living their dream.

I dropped everything I was doing to sit in front of the tv and watch the rest of the game.

I noticed Wakatoshi was different though, he looked the same, maybe more filled out, but the way he moved was different. More relaxed. Freer. Like he was having fun. They were winning, but I had seen him win many times before and not look so relaxed.

I ended up joining my mom and brother at the company while I finished school. I moved into my father's place after making it more cozy and clearing out his stuff. Ponyo, my mother's dog, even moved in with me while my mom traveled.

I had made a life for myself and Wakatoshi wasn't in it. 

Yet.