Relative Fiction | ✓

20

Staying clean was meant for people who had something to stay clean for. I, apparently, was not one of those people. I didn't give enough of a shit about myself, but even giving a shit about someone else didn't matter, because in the end, it blew up in my face anyway.

I didn't go to therapy that week. I lost track of time. I painted black circles and blank faces. I unhinged every bone from every joint and let my muscles turn to wet sand. Lying about where I was and what I was doing felt less heavy on my tongue. I went back to square one, and I had to accept that maybe square one was just where I belonged. One tiny box - population me and my misery.

Sage stirred in my bed beside me, sliding herself closer to me and resting her head on my bare chest. She was warm, but not in the way I wanted. I craved the warmth of the sun the way it warmed flowers that were desperate to grow. Even when she kissed me, soft and delicate and things I wasn't used to from her, all I could think of was AJ's kiss, and how that one moment I'd use to compare every kiss I'd ever have for the rest of my life. I found myself subconsciously sliding away from her and hung my legs over the edge of my bed.

"You wanna smoke that blunt now?" I asked.

Sage sat up in bed and ran her hands through her dark, tangled mess of hair. "Nah," she shook her head. "I think I'm going to go and get ready for tonight. You probably should too."

"What's tonight?"

"That party Carly is hosting at the sorority house." Sage gave me an eye roll as she shrugged on her hoodie, and as I turned away from her, I could hear the rest of that sentence in my head - I've definitely told you this ten times already.

I fumbled through my desk drawer for a plastic bag and a lighter. Rain pelted my bedroom window softly, but I nudged it open anyway, and a blast of damp humidity hit me as I tried to light the blunt.

"I didn't think you were serious when you said you wanted me to go with you," I shrugged. I inhaled like I wanted to finish it off in one go, and my head began to swim. I watched water droplets dance and race each other down the window, and every splash sounded like an explosion.

"Of course I want you to go," she sighed out. I was still fixated on the rain on the window, but I could feel her lingering, feel her in the very air I struggled to breathe in, and it was suffocating.

"Okay, then I will."

It took me a moment to realize that I had actually spoken, but by then, it was too late. Sage leaned over me and kissed my cheek, spreading warmth through my whole body. "Be at my house by 8, okay?"

I nodded silently, and when she pulled away, the warmth went with her. It was like I was stuck in limbo - not quite bad enough to fall all the way down, but not good enough to move on. Instead of getting ready like Sage suggested, I slept until the sun set. Besides, I didn't need "getting ready" time like she did - I just threw on a clean t-shirt and put some eyedrops in. I swiped my old North Face backpack off the floor of my room and threw a hoodie in it so it looked full before trudging down the stairs. My mom sat at the kitchen counter with her usual tea and a book. The lights above her threw shadows on her face, making the tiredness in her eyes stand out even more.

"You feeling better?" she asked, eyeing me over the top of her book.

"Yeah," I nodded, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. "I'm just going to Hunter's place to play Xbox. I'm pretty sure he already broke up with that guy he was seeing, and I think he's more upset about it then he'll admit."

I felt the tiniest pang of guilt, like a bee sting on the back of my neck. She looked like she trusted me, like she believed every damn word I just said.