Death By A Thousand Cuts.

Shouts in the street

The crowds are the best part of my professional life. They cheer. They clap. They sing. They shout. They make my hectic life worth it. Although it gets a little exhausting at times, it is totally worth it.

"Taylor!!!! Taylor!" A group of teens screamed as they saw me walking by.

I stopped.

"Is that TAYLOR FREAKING SWIFT?" I head a thin pale boy exclaim.

I could not hold back my smile.

The teens surrounded me. One girl almost cried. They said wonderful things about me and hugged me.

I took off my sunglasses. They asked for selfies and I obliged.

I went about my daily business. I loved attention from early in life. I craved it. But when you get so much attention from people that you can't do anything without thinking twice you get tired.

I love meeting fans. I do. But sometimes I just want to hide and be alone. I love interviews but I will not sacrifice my peace of mind for that. I like talking to the media but not anytime anywhere.

As I was walking by I saw a man with a camera. I was walking by a very less travelled and calm street.

Media. Paparazzi. I don't like them much. I used to when I was younger. Now they just drain my energy. I want to tell them to go away sometimes but I don't want a news headline to read, "Taylor Swift loses her cool." or "Taylor Swift's nice persona was an act all along." or "Taylor Swift screams in the street." So I just ignore them. I used to feel bad while ignoring them but now it feels natural and normal.

But still seeing a person with the sole intent to dig up news on you sends a wave of self consciousness through me. I try not to show it. I try to look calm, collected and confident. But inside I am just thinking when will the person leave.

So when I saw the person walking towards me with the camera I quickly scanned myself. I made sure I did not look tired. I made sure I did not look sad. I made sure I exhibit confidence. I made sure my dress is perfect. I made sure I am calm and ready to ignore if bothered me too much. I made sure my stomach was looking flat, my lips were looking good and my walk was not less than perfect.

I remember not caring about these things at all when I was young and new to this profession. But something changed somehow. Things changed. I did. People I knew did. My world did.

So I moulded myself to fit in. To keep a good image. To not show too much of myself. To not let them destroy me like they almost did once.

As I walked with a little faster pace. I saw there wasn't one but three people with cameras. One started running. The others followed. I became anxious like never before. A wave of panic came over me. I was socked at my own breathlessness.

I was very well. There was no reason for anxiety to engulf me. Not today. I was 'near perfect' today. And that isn't arrogance speaking. It's just experience.

They started surrounding me. From somewhere two women joined in too. A few people just surrounded me for no reason but because they wanted to.

People shouted out questions. I did not hear anything. My ears were buzzing. I felt dizzy and unsafe. I requested them to please leave me. I did for some time. And when the shouts got louder and the circle became thicker I screamed at them and shouted. I was angry. Then I started crying. I wasn't able to control myself. The next thought I remember is thinking, "You fucked up!" And then another wave of panic crippled me. I remember a hand leading me out of there. I remember cameras flashing. I remember the sound of my sobs.

I almost fainted and fell on the ground. But an arm held me. My people. They led me to my car, closed the doors and chased the crowds while driving away. I fell asleep in my car with one man driving me and a man and a women taking care of me, a thirty year old crying and falling asleep in the backseat of her expensive car.