Journey to the Center of the Heart (a novella)

Chapter 7 - "Lessons In Love"

You could never be the girl of my dreams. You shouldn’t have tried.

Grady’s message spun on a loop inside Casey’s mind. His phone lay on the nightstand next to his bed as he sat on the edge of the mattress and waited for the slam of the front door, signaling Grady’s final departure from his life. Grady hadn’t come over tonight because he thought Casey might need him –he’d come over to expose Casey’s deceit and…put an end to everything?

Goodbye, Juliet.

The apartment remained quiet; no footsteps. No doors opening and closing. What was he waiting for? Why didn’t he go?

Casey leaned forward and dropped his head in his hands. The movement caused tears to course faster down his face and drip onto the carpet at his feet.

At least he didn’t shout and throw punches. Casey wished he had –it would have hurt less. That simple message somehow eradicated his heart much more effectively. Maybe Grady knew him well enough to know that would be a more devastating hit than an actual strike of his fist. He knew exactly how to hit Casey where it hurt the most –though he had never done so before now. No one had ever taken more care with Casey than Grady had.

He hadn’t just been his best friend since middle school –he’d been his bodyguard. Grady had natural muscle mass, even in his early teens. He’d started working out between the ages of thirteen and fourteen. About that same time, Casey had been afraid to ‘come out’, scared of how he would be treated, but the thought of hiding away all through high school depressed him and made him feel like a freak. It was Grady who urged him to be “out and proud”.

“I’ll protect you,” Grady had told him at the beginning of ninth grade. “Anyone even looks like they’re gonna touch you –I’ll beat them down. They mess with you, they mess with me.”

And he’d been good to his word. The first time Grady laid into a kid for bullying Casey, he sent out an effective message; don’t fuck with my best friend. Even the seniors didn’t want a piece of him.

Even in emotional situations, when Casey’s heart was wounded…Grady saw him through it, keeping his spirits up, reminding him what a great guy he was.

But now, for the first time ever…he had to face the pain alone. He’d taken the one person who cared for him most –his best friend –and turned him into his enemy. It was never the literal “protection” Grady supplied that mattered so much…as it was the fact that Grady loved him enough to want to protect him from being hurt –both physically and emotionally.

Maybe Grady’s love wasn’t on the “romantic” level…but it was stronger and deeper and all-consuming than anything Casey had ever experienced with anyone else. And more than he would ever experience again. Without Grady, there would be no meaning to his life. He wasn’t the type to commit suicide…but he would die and cease to be a part of this world nonetheless.

At least say you’re sorry before he walks away. Maybe it won’t mean anything to him, but at least tell him. You owe him that much.

Casey wiped his face and cleared his throat, and started to rise when the door knob twisted and the bedroom door opened slowly as Grady entered. The strength left his legs and dropped him back down on the bed, his arms curling around his trembling body. Maybe the shouting, possibly beating, would come after all. He kept his eyes averted, glued to the floor, while Grady quietly closed the door then stood still, his back to Casey.

“I was jealous,” Grady spoke low, a notable tremor to his voice. He turned slowly and Casey could feel his eyes on him, but couldn’t look at the man. “When you told me about this guy that you liked so much.” He swallowed thickly and sniffed. “I was jealous that another man could just walk in and steal your attention. Steal your…” his voice dropped to an unsteady whisper. “…your love.” He leaned against the door and crossed his arms loosely over his chest, and cleared his throat as his voice thickened with emotion. “I didn’t just want to kick his ass for what he was doing to you. I wanted to kick his ass for having the power to do it. Until that moment of clarity…I didn’t comprehend just how far we’d come or…” he licked his lips slowly. “…or where we were really at.”