If I Love Myself[On Hold]

Chapter 13

Hurts, James Arthur

Quote;

You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have
to leave them there.
~ Iyanla Vanzant

Chapter 13.

"What happened to Michelle's mother?" I ask, changing the subject.

A long pause follows my question, the only thing that can be heard is the sound of birds and rushing water. I look over at Kareem, his eyes begin to water and guilt instantly washes over me. I shouldn't have asked that.

"I am so so sorry, I-"

"It's cool, you good. I pried, it's only fair." He says, wiping at his eyes. "Her name was Miranda, we were together all through high school. When we was eighteen, she got pregnant. Miranda is not someone who wanted kids."

Wrapping my arms around myself, in spite of the heat, I frown. "Oh, that must've been hard on you two.."

"Yeah, well, nothing you can do about it. Anyways, uh, she decided that the only way she was gonna go through with the pregnancy was if I raised her. So I agreed. Wasn't happy about it." He laughs humorlessly, "I said yeah though because it was the right thing. As soon as Michelle was born and the doctors took her to the NICU, she left. Haven't seen her since."

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, "Stop, it's okay. I've accepted it, just hurts sometimes."

"You did good," I murmur. "Raising Michelle. She's sweet."

Kareem looks over at me for the first time since he started the story, and I mean really looks at me, his eyes light up and so do mine. For a split second, I can't hear anything but the sound of my own heart racing. He inches closer to me and my heart feels as though it's going to leap out of my chest.

"Is it okay to hug you now?"

"I- yes."

He gently wraps his arms around me as if he's afraid I'm going to break. Sometimes, I wonder if I just might. I stiffen, unable to pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling in this moment. I know it's foreign and I haven't felt this way since Julian and I first met.

I slowly pat his back and a chuckle escapes him. Pulling away from me, Kareem's smile stays plastered on his face. A smile so soft and genuine that I can't help but want to replicate.

"You know, you're a good person." He says, rising to his feet. "You up to grab something to eat? I'm starving."

Depends on how you categorize a good person..

"Sure, thanks."

"What do you want to eat?" Kareem asks, flipping through the menu. "Personally, I'm kinda in the mood for a steak."

"Okay."

He peers over the menu, brows raised. "Okay? What are you in the mood for?"

I shrug and the waitress comes over, she smiles politely, getting out her notepad. "What can I get for you two?"

Looking over at Kareem, he waits for me, and I carefully examine the menu one last time. I can choose. I open my mouth and quickly close it, sipping on my water.

"I would like the pasta an-"

"She'll have a salad." Julian interrupts, with a grin. "She needs to watch her figure. Isn't that right?"

"Yes."

"Could you give us a minute?" Kareem asks, setting his menu down. "We need some time to look again."

"Yeah," the lady chirps. "Take your time."

Once she walks away, Kareem refocuses his attention back on me. Seemingly at a loss for words, he sighs. I didn't mean to make him angry.

"I'm so-"

"You're sorry, I know." He interjects, frowning slightly. "What do you want to eat? What, on the menu, looks good to you."

Toying with the straw, I shrug. "The burgers look good and the fries."

His cheeks dimple, nodding in agreement. "Alright then."

"I-"

"Cyrus, I'm not him. You can order for yourself, think for yourself, be yourself. Okay?"

I don't know who that is.

"Okay."

Waving the waitress back over, the two of us order our food. My anxiety was high during the process, but I did it. I only stuttered a little.

Kareem grabs ahold of his glass and raises it up, "Let's toast."

My eyebrows furrow, an amused look taking over my expression. "To what exactly?"

"You and our newfound friendship."

"Friendship?"

"Well, what exactly would you call this?" Kareem questions, gesturing between the two of us. "Are you tryna say we aren't friends? Ouch!"

Unable to hold back a smile, I hold up my glass and he gently clinks his against mine. We take a sip of our drinks and I find the tension in my body beginning to leave me. I know now what I was feeling earlier when he hugged me. It is the same way Julian used to make me feel.

Safe.

I look around the restaurant and suddenly, fear paralyzes me. My heart hammers against my chest and my throat tightens. Dread knaws at me and I lurch forward, hurling. The wretched site draws everyone's attention towards me, including his. Julian.

I love Julian, I think I always will. Right now though, my fear of him is greater.

A/N

Thank you so much for reading this chapter, it really means a lot to
me! How has your mental
health been during this
time? Are you
okay?

Can't wait to see all your comments and read all of your opinions.

Love you all.

( ˘ ³˘)❤