The Perfect Girl

34

"Says, it's okay,                                                                                                                                                                       There'll be another day,"

"So what were you and Jana talking about?" Khalid asked the next morning, sitting down on the couch next to me.

"Oh, that," I bit down on my lip, mood darkening, "Remember that friend I told you about yesterday?  The one who I'm not friends with anymore?"

He nodded.

"Your sister knows her as well.  It was about her."

"What about her?"

I swallowed, "Why she did everything she did to me.  She was going through a lot."

He looked at me, sighed, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Shy away from giving specifics."

"Sometimes," I said quietly, "When something horrible happens and you're really over it, you're really, finally, over it, you don't want to talk about it again.  Because talking about it is like reliving it, and you don't need that."

"Okay," he murmured, "If you do ever want to talk about it though, or even just want a hug, I'm, like, right here."

I smiled, "Can I ask for hug?"

***

"Get ready, love."

"Huh?" I looked up from my phone and at Khalid, "Why?"

"We're going out.  Are you busy or something?"

"No."

"Then get ready," he smirked.

"Fine," I muttered, smiling a little.

I went into our room and put on a long sleeve shirt before inspecting my face in the mirror.

I'd stopped putting on makeup almost entirely.  Every once in a while, I'd wake up and think, maybe today I'll put something on.  But then, somehow, I couldn't bring myself to.  I found myself wondering who I was wearing it for.  Why did I want to be found pretty if people actually only found the mask of makeup on me beautiful, not my real face?  

I don't think I really believed I was beautiful, I just didn't care as much about how I looked.

But then, at the same time, I was painstakingly aware of every step I made towards confidence.  Even in the process of getting there, as strange as it may seem, I was constantly self-analyzing.  I had a habit of breaking down my emotions and reactions to things.  My opinion of how confident I really was had been constantly changing.

Now, as I scan my memories, I am still confused about exactly what I was feeling at the time.

My reflection was not perfect, but it was acceptable.

"Hiba?  Are you ready?"

"Coming!" I called.

I grabbed my purse, then followed Khalid to the car.

"Where are we going?"

"Honestly?" Khalid looked sheepish, "Um... wherever you want?"

"You don't know?"

This idiot.

"I just wanted to go out with you, I didn't really consider where."

I shook my head.

"Do you have anywhere you want to go?" he asked.

I considered a moment.

"Oh!" I clapped my hands together like a child, allowing the babyish slur to enter my voice, "Let's have a picnic."

Khalid smiled at me, a smile that was so gorgeous it actually took my breath away for a minute, and then said, "A picnic it is.  Where do we get food from?"

"Let's just pick up some snacks from a gas station or something.  I'm not starving or anything, are you?" 

Suddenly I thought about all the calories in the food I was about to eat.

Crap.

"No, I'm not super hungry.  Let's go."

So we picked up snacks.  I hated that I wasn't strong enough to just not eat, because that was how I defined strength then.

When we got to the park, we sat down under a tree and took out the food.

"This whole place is beautiful," I whispered, sitting back.

"Yeah," Khalid agreed, stuffing a granola bar in his mouth.

A woman ran by, jogging.  

"Why can't my body look like hers?" I wondered aloud, voice low.

Khalid let out a loud sigh, grumbled something that sounded like, "What the hell?" under his breath, and pulled me close to him.

"You..." he rasped in my ear, voice firm, "are so, so, so, beautiful, love--" a kiss to the tip of my nose, "it is actually--" a kiss to my chin, "unbelievable--" a kiss to my jaw, "and it is so--"  a kiss to the inside of my wrist, "obvious to everyone except--" a kiss, this time to my forehead, "you.  And I love--" a kiss to my lips, "you so much, it drives me--" a kiss to my right cheek, "actually, utterly, completely--" a kiss to my left cheek, he was a little breathless now, "insane," another kiss to my lips, several more all over my face.

And-- you know what?-- I was starting to believe him.