So You Want To Be A Stewardess

Once a crew, always a crew

I quit Singapore Airlines in 2008. That's over a decade ago. But to this day, whenever I am super stressed, this is my go-to nightmare, I kid you not:

I have gone back to flying and it is my first flight as a returning crew. I get my assigned work position for the flight, but cannot for the life of me remember what zone that is, and which door I'm supposed to be seated at for take-off.

I desperately try to work it out without having to ask anyone. A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead and my armpits feel very prickly... then at the last possible second, I spy a vacant seat, pray it's mine and go for it. No one bats an eyelid. Whew.

After take-off, everything is a mad rush because it is the dreaded Hongkong flight. It's always full, every passenger is demanding, and we have to complete a full meal service. Rounds and rounds of never-ending service, from going out with the drink cart, to meal trays, to handing out dessert, then coffee and tea... All while juggling passengers asking for blankets, newspapers, obscure cocktails and resetting their jammed inflight entertainment system. My stockings tear from the friction of non-stop brisk walking. Damn.

But I just can't seem to finish serving and clearing my zone. Panic rises. I can feel the bile in my throat. The captain's announcement comes on. "Cabin crew, prepare for landing."

I keep going, fast as I can, collecting these meal trays, but there are still so many rows to go. The plane starts descending. I hear the landing gear engaged. Fuck me. Meal trays are slipping off passengers' tray tables, I run to grab them but they are going everywhere and...

I wake up in shock, my heart pounding.

I have tried my hand at many jobs, but no other job, for better or worse, is as memorable. Flying never leaves you, even long after you leave it.

When people find out I used to be a stewardess, their response is almost always, "Wow! What's it like? What countries have you been to?" They see it as glamorous, aspirational even. All that travelling! Wow. Yes, it is a travelling job. You literally work your way from Singapore to Paris.

I don't mean to be facetious. It is amazing to be able to see so much of the world. But just as life has its shitty and glorious bits, the same goes for being a stewardess - shitty and glorious.

This is for all of you who aspire to a career in the skies, or are simply curious about this international tribe of well-groomed folks. What is this job about? What kind of shenanigans do we get up to? Let's take a sneak peek into this kaleidoscopic world. If you are a current or ex-crew member, hello sister/brother! Whatever you've been through, know that you are not alone.

Now, this little book is divided into 3 sections. Firstly... Who am I kidding?? I am writing this week to week. I have no idea how it will go.

Hence, a warning: This is not some advice book. This is 100% for your entertainment only. Alrighty, you ready? Then fasten your seat belts, pull those window shades up and let's all have a great fucking flight.