So You Want To Be A Stewardess

⚠️ Don't eat while you read this ⚠️

If you want to be a stewardess, you have to clean the toilets during flights. 

I don't just mean scrubbing toilet bowls, not least because: fun fact, there are actually no toilet brushes on board.

Cleaning, or 'checking' toilets, as the euphemism goes, is a rather more involved operation.

Interestingly, it is also one of the main things we have to deal with flight-to-flight, that we aren't taught in detail in training school. Training school is 4 months long, covering everything from safety to wine pairing, but no toilet wrangling. I suppose it's assumed we will learn on the job.

However, because it's not exactly a hot topic, I found myself facing all sorts of unfamiliar situations and came to develop some highly technical solutions. 

Take for example, poop stains in the bowl. How the hell do you get rid of them without a toilet brush?

If your guess is to take toilet paper and wipe it down, you're braver than I am. You're also super gross. Please don't do that. If you said, eww, just walk away, uh.. you get back in there and solve it, sister.

The answer, I found, is to use the disposable paper cups in the cubicle. Fill a cup to the brim with hot tap water. Pour it down the sides of the bowl to dissolve the stains. Unfortunately, these cups are tiny, so this is a slow and repetitive process. Also, some stains are ridiculously stubborn, so you end up doing this pour-while-flushing move to help it along. It's good hand-eye coordination practice.

Now, what if the bin is full?

Sigh. It usually is. The simple answer is: compact it. With your hands.

Space is a premium on planes, so if anything can be compressed, it will be. That trash bin in every cubicle can and does last the whole way to London.

So I line some paper towels or whatever I've got over the yuck, push down hard and try not to think about all the myriad bodily fluids and excretions I'm smooshing together. It always amazes me how much space gets freed up.

I could go on, but look, it's not all grossness maximus. Let me end with a fun story. One time, on a 747 flight, I had an annoying passenger. She was the kind of passenger who set out to make sure she got her money's worth, asking for Singapore Slings, cup noodles, poker cards, pens, everything. The annoying part was that she took it as if she was entitled, with barely a smile and zero thanks.

Anyway. After the meal service, I started dumping the remnants of our coffee and tea jugs down the galley sink. I was having a good go, when I heard a sudden yelp and a loud thud.

It came from the toilet cubicle right outside our galley. The toilet door had been flung open and had swung shut, making that loud thud.

Out came my annoying passenger, so furious she could barely speak. She pointed at the toilet with a shaky hand.

I asked, "Is everything ok, ma'am?"

She was outraged. "T-There's something in the toilet!"

"Something? How do you mean?"

She burst out, "There's something coming out of the toilet!"

It made no sense. There were a few passengers waiting in line. They turned to stare at us. No one moved.

I took the 2 steps towards the cubicle and smelled it before I registered it -- the strong, intense smell... of coffee. I looked in the toilet bowl. Steaming, dark, delicious-smelling liquid was swirling in the toilet bowl. In fact, it was speedily increasing in volume. I looked back at the galley. Another crew had taken up those jugs I'd put down and was emptying them down the sink.

As he emptied away, it appeared in the toilet bowl, filling it up rapidly!

I couldn't help myself — I just lost it and started giggling. It was incredible to see the plumbing between the galley sink and toilet bowl so intimately connected.

The passenger was so pissed! Oh it was gold. She stalked off before I could apologise, but the other passengers in line grinned in solidarity. That moment was definitely the highlight of that flight.

So yeah. Toilet cleaning is literally shitty and an unavoidable part of the job, but it can occasionally be glorious too. And as we say once we've done this chore (all together now), "Toilets checked!"

p.s: I don't think I've ever discussed toilet cleaning tips with fellow crew. I'd be curious to know if I'm being a complete dumbass with these 'techniques'. Anyone who's a fellow crew, or knows any crew, do feel free to share some toilet cleaning intel. Thanks!