thoughts.

| h u r t |

letter 1

for S, the person who promised they'd never leave me.

I don't write when I'm hurt, I read. I read when I'm in pain because it's so much easier to let yourself into someone else's world and forget about yours. But sometimes writing helps me, sometimes it's the only way to let my emotions escape, because sometimes the pain eats your heart and moves to the brain.

It stings, it stings when the person you'd take a bullet for, ignores you, forgets about you, and feeds you lies. We promised to attend the wedding of each other's siblings, but I don't think this will be possible now. I don't know why I'm being left out like this, and I want to know, I need to know where I went wrong, when I went wrong. Were all those letters you wrote to me utter lies, all those honey sweet words you said, were they all lies? Did all those things ever mean anything to you? because they meant the world to me.

You know the irony is, you said that my crush is the type of guy that will forget his friends as soon as he is done with high school, but you did that. You did that to me, and we weren't even done with 10th yet at that point. I texted you so many times S, but you never replied, all I got was blue ticks indicating that you've read them.

Why am I not writing this to you personally? because I'm afraid that if there is something left between us it will be destroyed by what I'm writing here. I'm hoping that one day you'll take me back with open arms, one day you'll tell me a lie and I will happily see it as a reality because I don't want to lose you.

I know you truly loved me, I remember the number of times I was in sickbay down with menstrual cramps and you came to check up on me, lying to the doctors that you had a stomach ache, walking such a long distance just to come and check up on me. All those times you helped me out, listened to my problems and gave me solutions, but now? S I miss you so much that it's killing me from the inside to be not able to talk to you.

It's been 5 months S. I want to say that I don't remember your voice, but it's a not true, I will never be able to forget your sweet voice. I vividly remember the last time we had a proper conversation, it was 18th March 2020, the day we gave our social studies boards exams, I remember what we talked off, word by word, I was going off how I messed up in a question and you were assuring me that it went well. After that lock-down was announced and it was like you vanished. No texts from your side, and you never responded to mine.

Three months into the lock-down and I was scared. Scared that you took a step you shouldn't have, and I tried to reach out, but you never offered my your hands to get up. Then I announced that I got into my dream school, you congratulated me, I was elated! you know that? Elated that you're online and willing to talk to me, but you never replied to me. OH WAIT, HOW CAN I FORGET? You did "congratulate" me on my birthday and the day I got into my dream school, but you never asked. You never asked me how I celebrated it, you never asked me how I'm feeling, you never even expressed your thoughts about the matter.

I know me changing schools doesn't change a goddamn thing. You still talk to Shreya and she left the school over 3 years ago, I know that you still talk to her, send her postcards and video call her. Can't you do the same for me? And we're still in the same city, we can even meet. Why not for me as well? Do you know I excited I was to share every detail of my new school with you? How my classes went, how the teacher treat me, how I liked the environment there. But considering the fact that you didn't even bother replying to my messages, hoping that you would ask how my life is seemed like a far fetched idea. Do you even know that I scored the highest in class? do you know that me who failed in 4th grade, got the highest in our class in 10th? do you know that sir asked for my photograph for the school magazine? I waited the entire night that day, the next day too hoping you would take time from your busy schedule and ask me, talk to me, fucking congratulate me.

Do you know that under my bed, there is a cardboard box filled with memories of you and our other friends? It contains every gift, every letter and every stupid dumb activity we did in class when we were bored. It's what keeps me at bay. I won't lie, I felt awful and terribly hurt when I found out that you're still talking to bagchee. No, maybe the fact that YOU APPROACHED her first, you asked her the result, you explained to her why you left our group on Whatsapp. Didn't I deserve an explanation too? Was I not worthy of your time and words? It hurt me so much to know that you were deliberately ignoring me, for reasons I don't even know.

Your lack of communication is making me lose my mind. I'm making crazy theories, hoping to get an explanation as to why I'm being treated like this. I never considered you as a threat to me S, never. You were my well wisher, but I knew you considered me as academic competition. We've spent everyday together since class 8th and I know you, I know it when you avoid me. And somehow you always avoided me after the declaration of any exam result, you would sit away from me, avoid me, and talk to everyone but me. When I would ask, you said you weren't feeling well. Please please tell me that I'm crazy for thinking that. Please tell me that you went to your village for an eternity where there was no internet, I swear I'll accept it. Prove me wrong, please.

You hurt me. I've been left alone to rot by a lot of people in this world but I considered you to be that one person who would never leave me and go away. But you did.

I just need you to tell me what I did wrong, trust me I'll work on that, but please don't leave me away like that.