a year full of life

was i afraid? no, i was terrified

i'm surprised my catastrophizing hasn't got the best of me, you see, some days i think maybe if i'm not careful, these little moments with you are the last i'll ever have [not just the last with you but that maybe, as i'm counting petals in sunflower fields next to you, my seconds are counting down alongside me].

was i afraid? i'd like for you to show me someone who wouldn't be. every second i'm alive my lungs ache, feeling slowly and slowly like they're laboring through each breath [that the minutes passing by will soon be my last, and the moments playing in front of my eyes will continue marching on without me] it was like the inching closer of ocean waves as you stand ignorantly still, not close enough - yet - to be carried away, but only just [except my ignorance was replaced with a looming feeling dropping in my heart with every pull of the water].

i wish i'd never known you at all [that's not to say i regret knowing, though]. because i lived far better when i was ignorant of the sun tucked away in your chest [when i could ignore the rays of sunlight seeping from your smile] maybe then i could just imagine what life would be like with you [rather than the inevitability of living without you].

for once i'd just really like to live a life where the sunsets with you never stain my skin. for once i wish to live a life where loving you never once left a raging wildfire of dull nothingness.

[i want to love you like i've always dreamed of loving someone, not with an empty heart booming only with the imminent moment of my demise]