I'll Save Myself if it Would Save You Too

Chapter 1: Dumbass Siblings

Alec stood over the weapons counter carefully but efficiently wiping demon blood off another seraph blade. He held it up level to his face and stared down the surface, one eye shut. Once satisfied with the sharpness he wiped his cloth down it once more and handed it behind him to Jace, already grabbing another. Jace crouched on a stool in the cozy closet stock full of weapons of every kind. He grinned at the blade. "I will never understand how you get them so clean and sharp." Jace tossed it into the air, watching it spin for a second before catching it between his fingertips and repeating. Alec rolled his eyes slightly.
"Effort." He replied. He held his newly clean blade up to his face, closing one eye again. Too dull. He frowned and pressed it gently against the sharpener, sending small sparks into the air. They glowed neon orange before dying down in the cool dimness of the closet. He pressed a little harder. A shower of sparks sprayed forward. One landed on Izzy's shirt.
"Hey, watch it. I'd rather not have my shirt on fire." She half laughed. Izzy was sitting on the counter in front of the sharpener lashing out her whip and recoiling it again only to lash it out with more flick of her wrist. She was intent on finding the quickest way to unleash her fury on her enemies. Alec continued to sharpen the knife.
"Well maybe you should move out of the spark zone." He took one hand off the handle and gestured in a circular motion at arm's length around the sharpener.
"Well that wouldn't be fun." Izzy rolled her eyes. Alec stopped pressing the blade and looked up at her with the most disappointment he could muster. A look he reserved for his dumbass siblings.
"It's called basic safety and common sense Izzy." He held the knife up checking it before pushing it more gently against the sharpener. Izzy rolled her eyes.
"Don't worry, I can always draw a water or cooling rune." She went back to coiling her rope.
"You can't draw a rune if your arms are burned off." She lashed it again. The sound of a knife clattering to the floor interrupted their conversation.
"Shitttttt." Jace cursed. They both looked up at him in alarm. He was clutching his arm, sucking in breath through his teeth. Blood laced the edge of the knife on the floor. Alec put the blade on the table and paced over to his parapati. He knelt down and pulled Jace's hand off his arm, examining the cut. "Seriously Jace? It's not that deep. Draw an iratze, and you'll be fine. Why were you throwing that knife around anyway? You could have actually been hurt." Alec dropped Jace's arm and picked up the now dirty, once clean, blade and began to clean it again. Jace smirked.
"Relax Alec, I know what I'm doing." He picked up another knife and tossed it. Alec huffed and grabbed it out of the air.
"Clearly, you don't." Alec pointed at Jace, then Izzy. "You're both acting like children. Mundane children."
"Come on Alec, you don't mean that." Jace tried to sound convincing. Izzy coiled her rope again. Alec scoffed.
"Why are you even in here?"
"Maryse gets mad if we don't do any weapon work." Jace was now starting to draw the iratze on his arm.
"You're not. I am." Alec picked up another blade.
"We're helping." Izzy shrugged. Alec turned to them and crossed his arms.
"How."
"We're keeping you company." Izzy lashed her whip. Alec wasn't having it.
"Out. Now. Both of you." Jace laughed but started to get up.
"Oh come on, Alec!" Izzy fake pouted. Alec stared them down. Izzy rolled her eyes but stood up. They both started to leave before a small buzz sounded through the room. Both of them turned around quickly, Alec paused and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He looked down at it and blushed deeply, quickly putting it away and looking back up at his siblings.
"Come on, out." He gently pushed them in the right direction. Izzy stood her ground. She turned towards him grinning.
"Oh come on. We are not going to pretend we didn't see that blush when you read whatever text you got." Jace smirked, crossing his arms.
"I bet it's from someone special." Alec blushed again. Izzy gasped and poked Alec.
"I think our big brother found someone." Alec hit her hand away.
"Out." He said and tried pushing them again. They didn't budge.  Alec turned them around and pushed again. Jace stumbled a bit but planted his feet more firmly.
"Who is it?" Izzy teased. Alec held his ground, though blush still tinted his face.
"No one."
"Come on, Alec! What was it about!" Both Izzy and Jace were grinning wildly now. Such children.
"Nothing." Alec responded, his face set. "Now leave." They didn't. Jace turned to Izzy.
"I think Alec's got a girlfriend." He teased. Alec's face fell. A feeling started to creep up his chest. "Come on, tell us who she is." Jace was still grinning, oblivious to Alec's sudden mood change. Izzy was no longer grinning, she looked up at Alec with slight pity now. Alec rolled his eyes, trying hard to hide his sudden panic that arose with that accusation from Jace.
"It's no one, now please leave so I can get work done without accidentally killing you both." He glanced down. Jace now realized something was different. He raised one eyebrow in slight confusion. Izzy looked away from Alec and put on a grin.
"Come on, we've got other places to be. I sense that Alec's getting just angry enough to kill us on purpose." Jace looked back, now thinking he had imagined the difference that suddenly came over Alec.
"Yeah we better leave Alec alone to talk to his girlfriend." Izzy fake snickered, and looked up at Alec with an apologetic look when Jace was turned away. Alec shrugged, arms crossed, and looked down. Izzy pushed Jace out the door, closing it behind them. Alec listened to their fading voices down the hall. The weapons closet turned silent. Silent and still. Dust swirled in slow motion in the sunshine. Everything was quiet.

Alec let out a breath. He slowly fell against the wall, sinking down on the exhale. The anxiety that pounded through his chest calmed to a feeling of emptiness. He closed his eyes slowly, letting his head hang and his arms rest on his knees. He stopped breathing for a second. He stayed perfectly still. Jace's words echoed back inside his mind.
Yeah we better leave Alec alone to talk to his girlfriend. I bet it's from someone special. Alec let out a dry laugh. Wouldn't that be great. If a girl could be that kind of special to him. It would sure make his life easier. Imagine that. He could introduce someone he cared about like that to his parents. To Jace. He wouldn't have to love in fear. He wouldn't have to date in secret. He wouldn't have to lie. Lie all the time. He hated lying. He hated it so much. But what else could he do? If he didn't lie, he would be telling the truth. And the truth is that he is in love with a man. A man and a warlock. Magnus Bane. A beautiful man and a powerful warlock. What would happen then? The Clave would know. His parents would know. He wouldn't be a shadowhunter. They wouldn't let him. They would take his runes. His world. He wouldn't be their son. They would take his name. His home.
Alec's breath quickened.
He couldn't love openly and have a home.
It got faster.
He couldn't. Why was he trying?
And faster.
Why is he letting himself?
His vision started to blur.
He shouldn't let himself. It's wrong. He's a shadowhunter.
It started to spin.
He's not supposed to be like this.
A blurry world spun around him faster and faster. He was stuck. It went faster and faster and faster and faster... Warm wet streams flowed down his face. He was feeling dizzy. Everything was speeding up. He needed to leave. Get out. LEAVE. He gripped around frantically for anything to stop this. He felt his fingers collide with something sharp.
He grabbed it.
He had to get out. Alec gripped it tighter and slashed it down across his arm.

Everything froze. Warm wet liquid slid down his forearm, clinging to the skin. Then the world started spinning again. No. NOOO. His mind screamed. He tried slashing again. It didn't help. Everything was spinning faster than ever. Thoughts boomed across his skull. They won't want me. They won't love me. They're right to think I'm wrong. I'm a shadowhunter. I'm not supposed to be like this. Alec covered his ears. The thoughts grew louder. Don't worry Alec, we'll find you a wife. His father's voice boomed. Alec heart beat faster. The walls were closing in. He was suffocating. His arm was burning. The Demons in Our Holy Institute: Homosexuals. The title of an old book flashed in his mind. He shook his head violently. Everything was closing in faster. The walls were spinning. The blood trickled down his arm. Alec sobbed. The light was fading. It was darker now. Alec's head felt woozy. It pounded against his skull. His chest screamed in pain. The light was fading. The cuts on his arm grew cold. They stung. The light was fading. Alec blacked out.