Into the Velvet

Two Days Until

"You'll be out of town for your birthday?" Amos asked, bewildered.

"Yes." Packing was going poorly — even I could admit it. The vision that greeted Amos hadn't been pretty. It was as if a detonated bomb had strewn my clothes and belongings all over my room. The cupboards were ripped open. My suitcase was filled to the brim.

"Where are you going?"

"To visit family," I lied with ease. "I have an aunt close by."

Amos stepped around a pleated skirt on the floor, gingerly perching against a stack of bras. I still hadn't made up my mind regarding which ones to bring. "You do? Bianca's already planned what we're doing for your birthday. We even booked that Mexican restaurant you like. Remember?"

I hadn't remembered, actually. Not until this second. "No, sorry." I was firm and insistent, unnecessarily so. Shaking my head back and forth. Still staring at the mirror. "I can't do that. Maybe when I come back. I'll only be gone for a bit."

Amos sighed. "Bianca's not gonna like this."

"That's too bad." My hair refused to lay flat. I had to fix it. There always seemed to be something the matter with my appearance.

An itch had spread under my skin, demanding to be scratched. I was doing my best. I would notice something alarming that needed fixing, every hour of every day — a wayward eyebrow hair that needed to be plucked, a strand of hair that didn't want to cooperate. Since I wasn't sleeping through the night anymore, I had all the time I could want to buff myself to perfection.

It would be more truthful to admit that I wasn't sleeping at all.

I spent my nights watching myself in my bedroom mirror. Trying to catch glimpses of myself unawares. Spending hours fixated on a single feature — my nose or chin, turning back and forth, trying to find a new angle I hadn't yet seen. I sat by the bed for hours, staring blankly into my own brown eyes. Gazing eagerly, intently, sometimes resentfully. Seeking something new in what I saw. An important clue.

A glimpse of Elsie written on my face.

The calibre of woman that Henry was attracted to had to exist in me somewhere. I just had to look for it. And until I found it, I was hindered from doing anything else.

I brought the hair straightener to my head, trying to smooth down my unruly part. Amos sat waiting. We met eyes in the mirror's reflection. "Well?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Start whenever you're ready."

With an odd look thrown my way, Amos began clearing space for textbooks and folders.

"Where's your History book?" Amos asked. "Didn't you bring it home with you?"

"No." My eyes were bloodshot, I noticed. Why hadn't I seen it before? They were bruised with dark semi circles, when Elsie's eyes had been pretty and blue and unblemished underneath. I poked at the darkness there, compulsively, unable to stop myself.

Amos' mouth fell open. "Louise!"

"What?"

"I came over so we could write our essays. Don't you also have your SAT to re-sit? Soon?"

I turned around. How couldn't see how none of that mattered anymore? My next words came out icier than intended. Much later, I would come to regret them entirely. "Don't lecture me on what my priorities are, Amos. I'm not a child," I snapped, my teeth firmly clenched. "I have everything under control. Haven't I always?"

Standing here and talking about homework was a waste of time. I wished I hadn't agreed to these plans. I wished Amos would take the hint and leave. I turned back towards the mirror, seeing my anger blaze across my face. It changed my appearance entirely — I looked older in an instant, more righteous.