Into the Velvet

Twelve Days After

Defeat didn't come gracefully to me. I had to talk myself into standing still. To take Bianca's punches with composure, insides recoiling, while my body longed to curl up and bleed out.

It was the least I could do for her.

"What has Sami told you?" I whispered.

Bianca scoffed. "What haven't you told me, Louise? That's what I want to get into. What made you so arrogant to assume that I wouldn't be able to put the clues together?"

My eyes stung with the effort of keeping them on Bianca's. Feeling her righteous fury, hating and deserving every second. But I wouldn't turn away.

Even as my unsteady voice betrayed me.

"I'm sorry."

She made a disgusted sound. "No. How about I start? One," she said, counting on her fingers, "your brother came to me first. He told me that as soon as you passed your driver's test, you started going AWOL. Like truly, mentally and physically checking out. Which means it's been going on for weeks, right? Months, maybe."

I opened my mouth to protest. But there was nothing to say. How could I refute what was factually correct?

Bianca began talking loud and fast, gaining swift momentum. "You were forgetting things. Going through the motions, all glassy-eyed and flustered. You dressed up as Mr. Cain for Spirit Day and kept slinking off to find him. Looking like me after I've caught a bad case of good dick. Initially I thought it was Jordan-related, since you and Jordan had half-way slept together. Then you dumped him with no warning or remorse. It hadn't made sense—not something you'd typically do. I'd dismissed it as cold feet. Maybe he wasn't 'the one'. I knew you were big into soulmates and fate—so whatever, right? Big deal."

"Jordan I and—we weren't—"

There was nothing I could say that would make my excuse adequate. Jordan hadn't been enough. Jordan hadn't been Henry.

She counted a second finger, ignoring me. "Number two: you're a worse liar than Sami is. I've known about Sami's girlfriend for years. They've been trying to date since freshman year. And you two thought that lying for each other would work? Who was stupid enough to come up with that?" she demanded. "Did you think that would be enough to hide an entire affair with a teacher?"

"I didn't know—I was trying to be a good friend."

"To who? Sami or yourself? Who were you helping by lying through your teeth?"

My memories seemed inconsistent, fogged over like dewy glass. "Sami needed me," I tried to explain. "And I needed her."

"You needed her to hide behind. That's it. At some point, it stopped being altruistic. You were using her. I know you, Louise. Or at least I did. You do things for a good reason. I was never gonna buy some far-fetched excuse about college tours and sleepovers to explain why you've changed."

"Changed how?"

"You're a mess." She stared down my arms and legs, looking critical. Ashamed. Turning her head away. "I've been watching. You stopped eating full meals weeks ago. You left your plate untouched more often than you didn't. Then you weren't sleeping at all—look at your eyes. I have to pay attention because I don't get told shit. Not that you or Amos would ever let me into your Super-Secret Club. That's out of bounds for me, right?"

Her bitterness had grown sharper, forming bristles. Fostered through the years. I couldn't stand it anymore. I closed my eyes and endured her attacks blindly.