Control Book 3 [[KNJ]] ✔️

Nineteen

Namjoon

I was ready to snap.

I could feel it building up inside me just waiting for the right moment to crack. I hadn't felt this bad for years and it was a constant struggle to control it. I hated feeling out of control because I knew that I always hurt somebody.

The last time I had lost all control was when I was 16 and I accidentally killed a girl. I don't know what happened and I still can't remember. I blacked out and when I came to, I was sitting on my knees covered in her blood.

It pained me to think about what I had done to her but it was bad. I had practically torn her apart in my rage and I feel sick knowing I was capable of hurting someone innocent. My brothers and I never spoke about it again. I almost begged Yoongi to get rid of that memory.

My father was partly to blame for my lack of control.

Growing up we always had to be perfect. If something was done incorrectly, he would punish us for it. Before Yoongi took all the beatings, he would hurt us badly and threaten to throw rock salt in our wounds. I grew up wanting to be perfect.

I wanted the best grades. I wanted to have the best manners. I was all about control and when something didn't work out for me, I would lose it. I guess as I grew up, I learnt how to restrain my anger more.

When I snapped in front of Darcy and the others, I was ashamed of myself. I felt embarrassed that I couldn't have any self-restraint and I was glad that my brothers were there to stop things from getting too serious.

I stared at my hands knowing how much blood I had on my hands. My brothers shared the same pain of those we had killed by accident. That was something we had grown accustomed to.

Everyone was concerned about me. I hadn't left my room to socialise for a week unless it was to eat dinner. But every time I joined them at the table, Hana would stop talking and eat her food in silence.

I had fucked up badly.

The things I said to her were disgusting and I never meant anything I said. But my anger caused me to say things that I would later regret. Jungkook was still pissed off at me but I knew Hana was stopping him from attacking. Her hand was always in his. He was smart enough to not go against a mate.

I still had to apologise to her but I was scared to. I didn't want to make her cry again and I didn't want Jungkook to hit me.

I ran my hands through my hair and finally left my room. Hana's and Jungkook's room was across the hall from me, separated by a spare bedroom and a guest bathroom. I could head mumbles as I reached the door and I felt my palms sweating.

The door opened before I could knock and Jungkook stood there in a pair of jeans, glaring at me. Behind him, Hana was in one of his shirts and I wasn't a fucking idiot to know what I just interrupted.

"I'll come back later," I said.

"What do you want, Namjoon?" Jungkook asked, "I am not in the mood to deal with your bullshit,"

I swallowed back some anger and nodded, "I want to talk to Hana,"

"No. Fuck off,"

"Jungkook wait," I said putting my hand on the door as he went to slam it on me, "It's important and I need to get it off my chest,"

Jungkook tutted loudly and stepped aside, "I'm not going anywhere,"

"That's fine," I said walking into the room, "Um, can you tidy up?"

"How about you go fuck yourself?" Jungkook snapped.

"I really don't want to see her underwear when I'm talking to her," I muttered looking at the ceiling.

"Oh," He said, "My bad. Babe, hide those. They are for my eyes only,"

"Are you done?"

"Yeah," Jungkook said, "Get talking,"

I let out a sigh and looked at Hana, "I'm sorry for what I said to you. You might not believe me but I didn't mean anything I said to you. When I'm about to lose any self-restraint, the nasty side of me comes out and I say things. I always regret them but I can't hold my tongue,"

Hana folded her arms.

"Hana, you are my baby brothers mate and you are my family," I said, "I really am sorry and I promise that I'll make it up to you. I don't want to lose the relationship we had because we were close and-"

"It's ok," Hana said, "I understand. You were angry and when people are angry they say things they don't mean. Thank you for saying sorry to me,"

I sighed in relief, "So, are we good? I will make it up to you,"

"Namjoon, you don't need to make it up to me. You and your brothers are going through a difficult time right now. Now that Dawon and that bitch are hanging around, you are bound to snap at us or the others," She smiled at me.

"If you upset her again I'll kick the crap out of you. I'll make you bleed," Jungkook said.

"I'd deserve it," I said rubbing the back of my neck.

"Can I ask you something," Hana asked.

"Sure,"

"What happened to make you hate wolves?"

My blood ran cold and I shook my head, "I have to go. I need to...I need some fresh air,"

"I'm sorry for asking,"

"You don't need to apologise," I said backing up into the door, "I'm...just not ready to talk about that. It's not easy to talk about,"

"Which I fully understand. I'm here if you do feel ready to talk about it,"

I forced and smile and nodded, "I'll leave you guys to carry on with...talking,"

"Hey, Namjoon?" Hana said.

"Yeah?"

"After dinner, um, I need to talk to you about something," She said.

"Should I be worried?"

"I don't know,"

"Can I have a hint?"

Hana looked at Jungkook who nodded at her, "It's about my mother,"

A/N: ignore any mistakes. I was falling asleep whilst writing it. It's still hot at ridiculous times of the night. I'm tired and my fiancé is playing COD next to me in bed....

Update. I'm laying down and he just farted near my head.

That is what you call a relationship 🤦‍♀️

Stay weird <33