You, Me, and All The Spaces In-between

CHAPTER 40

Although I'd organised the meeting, I ended up being the last one to Mr. Cone's on Saturday morning. Which hadn't been my intention, but since Elena's car had been acting up, Robert, Martin and Ky were all already there.

"Sorry, guys," I sighed, sliding breathlessly into the booth.

Immediately noting the thick tension in the air, I reached smoothly for a menu. "Do you think it's too early for a milkshake?" I asked cheerfully.

"Are you...Are you okay, Alyx?" Ky asked slowly. She was wearing a white cropped hoodie, and a fresh pink streak ran through her turquoise hair. Three new silver piercings glinted on her left ear. "Are you still upset?"

"We wouldn't blame you," Robert added quickly, sounding a tad desperate. "We never meant to hurt you."

Martin, I noticed, was staring into the distance, shoulders taut.

"Martin?" I prompted carefully. "Are you okay?"

He turned to me slowly, blinking as though he'd just awoken from a daze. "Am I okay?" Pain filled his gaze, and his lips pursed into a thin line. "Alyx, I-I had no idea you were jumped! And it made me realise-There's so much I don't know about you anymore. About your life."

The genuine sorrow in his voice warmed my chest.

"That's probably true," I said quietly. Every gaze flew to me. "But...a lot of that is my fault."

I settled my hands on the table before me, trying to stop their trembling. Then I took a deep breath and said, "I need to tell you guys something."

And I did. I told them everything.

Everything.

About Cash-My revelation that he was my English partner, our texting, our kiss in the rain, our secret hook-ups, the party, his house...

I told them about Tyson-About the both times he'd beaten me up, about Cash beating him up.

I told them about Bryce, about Casey, about arguing in the hallway and reconciling in the boys' change room.

And I concluded with that final argument in the car park. That was the hardest part to relive.

"He told me he loved me." I wished those words filled me with joy. But they didn't. "And I told him it didn't matter. That it was too late."

When I finally stopped talking, voice hoarse and palms clammy, I stared around at my friends. Examining their blank faces.

"So," I finished. "Yeah. That's it."

They exploded into shouts at once.

"That's it?" Ky cried, throwing her hands into the air. Her eyes looked about ready to bulge out of her head. "That's it?!"

Martin was just tugging at his hair and staring dazedly at the countertop, evidently shocked.

Robert stared at me with wide eyes, mouth slightly parted. He started to say something, stopped, then started again. "So-So all this time, when I thought I was protecting you from a one-sided crush...You guys were actually dating?"

"Not at first," I said quickly. "But, yeah...That's basically the gist of it."

Robert buried his hands in his face. "Oh my god..."

"I'm so sorry," I began, feeling panic rise within me. "I didn't think you'd understand, and I couldn't expose Cash, and...God. I've been keeping so much secret for so long." I felt tears prick my eyes. "In the end, all I wanted was to tell you guys."

Ky rounded the booth and pulled me into a hug. "Alyx, we never wanted you to feel like you couldn't trust us."

Martin nodded earnestly. "I'm sorry, too. I tried to juggle everything, but I guess...I guess I did a really shit job."

"No, Martin." I reached across the table to clasp his hand. "It's not your fault."

"It was all our faults." Ky was crying now, too. "God, we're the worst friends."

"We really are." Robert's shoulders shook with laughter, but his face was pained. "We really, really are."

I lifted my arm from where I was still hugging Ky, and Robert and Martin moved closer to join our embrace. We stayed that way for a minute, the four of us together, expending all of the frustration and anger that had been building up over the past few months.

"Excuse me?" A tall waitress with a nose piercing stood awkwardly by our table. "Are you guys...ready to order?"

We broke apart and hastily ordered a round of shakes.

"Now that was embarrassing," Robert muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You're just upset that someone saw you expressing real affection," Ky teased lightly.

"I am not," he retorted. But for the first time in a while, there wasn't a trace of irritation in his face; only amusement gleamed in his eyes.

"Guys?" Martin sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Can we just...never do this again?"

"I think," I said with a laugh, "that I can definitely make that promise. I never want to be that distant from you guys ever again."

"Same." Ky groaned loudly. "It was like, you guys were physically close, but-"

"Emotionally far?" Robert supplied.

"Exactly."

I knew what they meant. Just as I had with Dad, I felt satisfied. And like with Dad, I knew it wasn't an instant fix-It'd take time to heal from the wounds we'd inflicted on each other.

But that was what people were like-Always hurting each other. Endlessly trying to apologise for it. It came to a point where you had to ask yourself if it was even worth forgiving the people in your life.

As for my friends?

I thought, just maybe, that we'd be just fine.

- - - -

"What happens now?" Robert asked me when we'd finished our drinks.

"Now," Ky interjected, "we leave Mr. Cone's. Hang out again at lunch. And you dorks attend my game this Friday." She wiggled her eyebrows. "It's the finals."

"Ew," Robert drawled, crinkling his nose. "Softball."

Ky jabbed at him with her straw. "Shut up."

"What I actually meant," Robert continued, batting Ky away, "was what happens now with Cash and Alyx?" He turned to me with a curious expression. "Are you guys...really over?"

"I still can't believe you were dating Cash Smith," Martin huffed. "That guy is such a douchebag."

"Yeah," I mused, averting my gaze. "He is. He's hot, though."

Ky raised her cup. "I will not argue with you there."

Robert made gagging noises. "Gross."

"The truth is," I continued, "I really think we're over. And that sucks, perhaps I lo-liked him. A lot."

My friends exchanged glances.

"What?" I demanded.

"Nothing," Ky replied cautiously. "I guess it's just...Well, the Cash you've been describing doesn't really seem possible. But you know it is. And I guess I'm just shocked that you guys had this big, secret thing."

"And?"

"And...I don't know." Ky shrugged. "I guess I'm just wondering what else is possible."

I smiled sadly, and for the first time since our break-up, I let the true emotional pain of my decision pierce me. The sadness of it overwhelmed me. The disappointment.

The anger.

"You know," I sighed, staring back down at my hands, "I used to wonder that all the time."

A/N: There will be a few more chapters until the end, so if you've read this far, thankyou so much!