Wolfstar Oneshots

Not Good Enough

Words: 1206

Description: Remus tries to break up with Sirius because he thinks he's not good enough. Warning: Mentions of self harm and self hate. Please don't read if you are sensitive to any of these topics. 

Story:

Remus had a lot on his mind. He didn't feel like he was in the real world at all, he was lost in his thoughts so often.

Recently his pessimistic mind had latched onto his relationship with Sirius. He wanted to keep his poisonous thoughts away from that one topic, I'm happy with Sirius, please leave me alone, he wanted to argue.

But is Sirius happy with you? They would argue. Of course he isn't. Nobody could ever be happy with you.

It was no secret to his close friends that Remus hated himself. It was just a fact. But nobody really knew what it was like to live in Remus's head. Nobody knew what a terrible place it was up there.

Remus's mental health had never been great. He liked to blame it on the trauma of being a werewolf and the way his father had always kept him at arms length and turned up his nose at his own son's presence. But Remus knew deep down that it was probably just him and his stupid pessimistic mindset.

He was constantly doubting himself and putting himself down. Sirius hated it and he always made sure to tell Remus he loved him every morning and every night and whenever he could in between.

Sirius was generous with his 'I love you's that way. Remus only ever said when he really really meant it.

Lately, Remus's thoughts had consumed him. All he could think about was breaking up with Sirius. It made him want to cry to think about it, because he really loved Sirius, but he knew it would be for the best.

Sirius couldn't possibly be happy with him. Not with someone like Remus. He was a monster in all forms of the word, in all forms of himself. He wasn't just a monster because he was a werewolf, he was a monster because he was Remus.

And he knew that Sirius was missing out on so much being with Remus. Remus knew that Sirius deserved so much better than him. Because Remus would never be good enough for Sirius. Or for anyone, for that matter.

Sirius had noticed how withdrawn Remus had been lately. It worried him and he'd talked about it with Lily who'd also noticed. Sirius went to Lily whenever he needed Remus advice, and he knew Remus did the same about him. James was his second opinion, not because Sirius didn't trust him, but his relationship advice wasn't the greatest considering he thought shouting a date invitation to Lily in a crowded hallway was romantic.

One night, long after everyone (including James and Peter) had gone to bed, Remus and Sirius sat in the common room. 

They were each on either side of the couch, as far from each other as the furniture allowed. Sirius longed to lay down with Remus snuggled on top of him like they used to in front of the warm fire, but Remus seemed to want to put a lot of distance between them, so Sirius respected his wishes.

They hadn't spoken a word since the other two boys finally retired to bed almost a half hour ago. They just sat facing each other, Remus staring at his hands and playing with his sweater sleeves and Sirius biting his lip and watching Remus with concern. 

Remus was mentally preparing his speech while Sirius was working up the courage to confront Remus about how he was doing mentally.

Remus cleared his throat and looked up, tears swimming in his eyes. "I'm breaking up with you," he announced.

The statement was the last thing Sirius expected to come out of Remus's mouth and it shocked the breath right out of his lungs. 

"W-What? Remus--"

Remus's lip trembled, but he held his ground. "I'm sorry, but we're done. We don't work Sirius, and I'm...I'm not...I'm not happy..."

Sirius couldn't believe it, couldn't wrap his head around it. He thought they worked exceptionally well together. He loved Remus and Remus made him so happy. Remus telling him that was like he pulled the rug right out from Sirius's feet. 

But then it clicked in Sirius's head. The way Remus had been acting, the bullshit break up speech...Sirius saw right through it. 

"Remus, you don't mean that," Sirius said, relaxing slightly and trying to take Remus's hands, but he was quick to pull them away. 

"I do, I do," Remus sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Sirius.

Sirius tried a new tactic. "Why then? Why do you want to break up with me."

Remus searched his eyes desperately, scratching at his scars. It had gotten to the point that Sirius couldn't tell which ones were caused by the werewolf or Remus.

Remus looked miserable, like he had a whole list of reasons in his mind but they wouldn't form into an argument that Sirius would understand. Or more realistically, that Sirius would accept.

"I--I just..." He'd been going for some nonsense about how he wasn't happy with Sirius, even though he really was, but he caved and revealed his true feelings instead. 

"I'm...I'm holding you back Sirius. You could have...you could have so much more, much better, than...than me," He scowled when he waved to himself, a gesture that Sirius loathed. 

"Remus--" Sirius tried to reason with him, but Remus wouldn't allow it.

Remus wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his sweater. "I'm not good enough for you. I could never be good enough for someone like you, Sirius. I don't know why you put up with me when I'm a monster."

Sirius was done listening to Remus talk about himself in such a terrible way. "Hey. You are so good, Rey. I never want you to feel like you have to compare yourself or measure your worth. And enough with the monster talk, Remus, you are not a monster. And I love you just the way you are, so much, Rey. I love you, and you make me happy. Nobody else can make me as happy as you do, love."

Sirius finally succeeded in holding Remus's hands.

Remus's face twisted in sorrow. "But how can you love me? You know, when I'm me? I don't even like me. If you knew the real me, you wouldn't--"

Sirius shook his head, cutting Remus off. "You don't know you like I do."

Remus just stared at him and Sirius could almost see the argument seep out of him. Sirius pulled Remus into him, enveloping Remus in a safe and comforting hug and Remus tucked his head into the crook of Sirius's neck.

"You're too good to me," Remus muttered, the late night finally getting to him. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do," Sirius countered, kissing the top of Remus's head. "You deserve the world."

There was a pause, and then, "I love you," Remus said, sounding more sure of himself than he had the entire evening. 

Sirius's heart swelled right to bursting and he squeezed Remus a little tighter. "I love you, too. So much. And don't you ever forget that."

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