Siblings

9

Rosie 🌼

He didn't notice me at first, perfectly oblivious smoking his cigarette into the surrounding air. Although I knew smoking was a bad habit and would be forever mad at Johnny for getting me hooked, Van looked like he was born with a smoke in his hand. It was an extension to him that made him unbearably hot.

I edged closer to him, stepping lightly so that when I wrapped my arms around him and rested my cheek on his back I felt his breath hitch. He was warm and cozy and I felt it radiate through me. I hugged him tightly, wanting to be as close as possible to him, knowing that I should probably savour every moment I could steal with Van. I knew the closer we would get the more obvious it'd be to Johnny and anyone who looked so I savoured him.

He discarded of his cigarette nearly as soon as I made myself known to him. Taking my hands in his and bringing them up to his lips, placing a small kiss. He turned around to face me, bringing me into a warm hug.

"What's up love bug?" He whispered, making me smile and let out a small laugh from his cute little question.

"Nothing really, just enjoying your company I guess," my voice was hushed too but still louder than his, a cheekier tone. 

"Babe, are you sure you wanna be like this here?" He asked warily, he looked unsure maybe even a little nervous. I smiled, I didn't really care how close I was to him at that moment because I wanted to be. No one, not even my brother can control who I choose to stand particularly close to. I didn't really want Johnny to find out this early on, what if Van didn't really like me or what if my brain couldn't handle a relationship. It was all a bit of a mess, everything I seemed to think contradicted everything else in my head. 

"Yes Van, I think I do." I answered him plain and simple. I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to make his eyes go wide like they did when I surprised him, like when he saw me get changed. I wanted him to make my heart race and blood boil. 

My hands roamed his back, making little patterns, pulling him closer and closer to my body until I could feel every part of him. I knew I'd have to let him go soon, I was still Bondy's sister, however much I'd like to think I could do what I wanted or kiss whoever caught my eye. I couldn't, I could trick myself like I had been doing for years but not the ones around me. Sometimes it felt like I was invisible to the world around me, but I wasn't and I'd have to keep my erupting feelings for Van at bay at least for now. That's what I told myself, but it doesn't mean I listened to my own advice.

He leant down kissing me, soft and calm, as if he knew how nervous I really was, but he still wanted to indulge in the luxury of my lips. He left me then, outside and alone a sad reality surrounding me. I sat on the curb, a flashback intruding my head as soon as his presence was truly gone.

I sat in his arms for a while. Tears pouring out of my eyes until I was just breathing messily and shaking. Johnny was still holding me tightly, but I could feel him starting to fidget and wonder what had happened. But my mind was in lockdown and I couldn't voice the words that spun around my head, if I spoke it would become a reality. It would mean I was truly alone again and there would be no one to save me. Nothing could make this easier.

People started to swarm us, and I squirmed inside at the voices that would come and go. It all made me feel sick, a lump in my through and a taste that seemed to linger. It was if I was stuck in  a lucid dream, I could hear and see but I couldn't move. I was watching from a distance, completely estranged from my own body, it was overwhelming to say the least. I didn't want to believe what my eyes had shown me but I knew it was real, unfortunately it was too real.

Tears had pricked in my eyes, and I hugged my legs to my chest. I longed for these memories to be wiped from my head. Every time it drove me mad, I felt crazy, I felt stupid. Everyone had forgotten and here I was, supposedly happy, supposedly ok with everything. 

I eventually got up, brushing my dress off and wiping the tears that had stained my cheeks away. It seemed colder now Van wasn't here and I couldn't help shiver. Without really thinking I started walking. I didn't know where I was going, just that as long as the street lights were on and I could hear the faint laugh of drunks I was ok. I thought back to Max, I wondered how long he'd been unhappy with me, how long had he wanted to leave me. Maybe there was a theme here?

I kept walking through the cobbled streets of Paris, thinking what i'd do if I was one of those girls with cherry red lips and words like silk. I imagined what it would be like, if I had the confidence that seemed to ooze off them. I kept that image in my head as I strolled along the streets, finding my way back to the hotel. I knew it was all in my head, I knew just from the way van looked at me when he thought no one was looking. I remembered when Max used to look at me like that. I remembered when Alice used to tease me about the many guys in class that were staring at me. I remembered Alice.

I eventually got back to the confides of my room, setting the alarm for the techies meeting tomorrow. The bedsheets were warm and cozy, they gave a false sense of security that I craved. I sent a text explaining my whereabouts to Johnny and smiled when he replied almost instantly. With a goodnight text and the alcohol in my body making my eyelids feel heavy I found comfort in sleep. The first time in what seemed eternity that I was able to find dreamless, uninterrupted sleep alone.