Between the Devil & the Deep Blue Sea

Shot in the Dark

I finally woke Murdoc up at about 10 am. It's sort of weird how things worked out though. I originally just planned to leave the bed, but Murdoc just wasn't letting go of me. He had to have been at least slightly self aware in his sleep, because he repositioned himself so I could carry him on my back.

And... I did. I carried Murdoc downstairs, him piggy-backing me all the way to the kitchen. If he's awake he's so fucking dead. I held him on my back as I made toast and hot tea for the both of us. I then brought all that to the coffee table, setting it down carefully. I laid Murdoc down on the couch and he finally let go of me after I slowly slid onto the floor as an escape.

I turned on the tv, flipping through a couple of channels. Eventually, I found nothing good on and just decided to switch to MTV. I turned down the volume, so it could be background noise for when he finally decided to wake up.

I thought for a moment on a way to wake him. Murdoc was never a person I've wanted to wake up before. In fact, it was usually the other way around. He usually woke me up. I look at my hand. It almost always appears when he knows that I got hurt. I can't believe I'm going to do this.

I bite into my hand, reopening the wound on the back of my hand. I place it up near Murdoc's face. There is no way that this won't work. I swear, it's like he's a vampire. Except vampires aren't real, only zombies and ghosts are.

Murdoc's body shoots up so fast it scares me. I pull my hand away, using it to pick up my cup of tea. It's bleeding a lot more than I want it to be.

"2D, how the hell did we end up in the living room?" Murdoc seems a little freaked out by the change of scenery. I remember how I get like that sometimes.

"I carried you. I also made breakfast. More importantly I can't believe that worked."

"You need to explain a little better. I'm working with little information here."

"Okay, so you wouldn't let go of me, so I gave you a piggyback ride downstairs while you were asleep. I made breakfast, laid you down on the couch, and then escaped your grasp. Then, I bit myself, drawing blood. I placed it near your face, effectively waking you up."

"Dent's... What the fuck? If I were in that same situation, I would have just pushed the other person until they let go of me. I think most people would react the same way." I sensed annoyance in his voice.

"First off, if I was asleep and I was holding onto you, I know for a fact you wouldn't. I know from experience. And next off, I think we established that I'm not most people."

Murdoc was silent for a moment. He looked like he was thinking over what I said. Eventually, he mumbled "Fair enough" before taking a bite full of toast.

We sat in silence for a minute, the only sound coming from the tv and the sounds of eating. My mind wanders back to what Noodle said to me this morning. If I want to continue down this path, I have to be the first to say it. It doesn't seem like it'll be that easy. Murdoc's relationship with me is so fucked up. I look at my hand, noticing the mark where the bite is. I let him hurt me. I let him come into my room drunk. I let him talk to me about his trauma. I let him fuck me. The least he could do is let me love him.

And the only way I can do that is if I let him know my thoughts. "Murdoc..." My voice comes out unsure. I hope I can make my way through this.

"What is it, anime?" Murdoc says without even looking over to me. He's picking at his nail polish.

"I... well..." I sigh deeply and look down. "Murdoc the truth is I idolize you a lot. I know you're not the best role model, or even a mediocre one. But... the only time I've felt remotely close to happiness was because of you. You know every aspect of me, mentally and physically. And, I think that somehow along the way... I fell for it."