UNSAID / HOOD

02

VIOLET LOCKHART

-

“I’m sorry.” No matter how much I screwed up, I could never bring myself in to saying that,  now looking back through all the mistakes I did, I want to bury myself in his chest and whisper the word ‘sorry’ again and again till my sins were cleared. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for all of the times that I’ve let him done and made him feel I didn’t care or loved him, I do and I would do anything to go back and tell him how much I did instead of being the stubborn person I was. When I was here alone, I realized how hard it must be for you to live with someone like me.

-

“I can’t believe you did that,” He said, shaking his head, “Just tell him we don’t speak English, he wouldn’t suspect, that will get us another week for the money.”

I raised my eyebrows as I glared at him, “Are you for real?” He’s not going to believe that, we’re two month behind on rent.” 

“So? At least we could’ve win ourselves a few more days,” He turned around, looking at me, and his voice slightly raising, “Why wouldn’t you listen to me for once, Violet?”

That was our first fight and I could remember every single detail of it, for the next few days, we lived in silence, neither of us spoke a word to each other and that was the first time I’ve also seen Calum being mad at someone, his veins on his forehead moving as his mouth moves, and that time, I didn’t understand why he was being so mad, but now, looking back he was struggling with rent and even just keeping himself alive and he was working jobs that he didn’t enjoy nor he wanted to do. It was the second week I moved in, we weren’t dating, he could’ve kicked me out straight away, but he didn’t.

But he didn’t.

After a few days, he caved in, and when I was making breakfast out of the dollar store bread and jam, he hugged me from behind.

“I’m sorry.” Before I could say anything back, he added, “You don’t need to say it back, it’s my fault.”

I didn’t say it back to him, other than this, there was dozens of incidents like this, where he let it slide, he didn’t ask me to apologize, because he knew I was too stubborn to admit I was wrong.

And he was right, I am too stubborn to admit that I was wrong, or that I made a mistake.

He didn’t care if my ego was not letting me to admit that I was wrong, he knew how I felt inside to know that I knew what I had done. Instead of letting me go like everyone else did, he started talking and listening to me.

“How did you become homeless?” He asked the night after our fight, we were sitting on the couch, the apartment we are living in barely fits the two of us, as you enter the apartment, you could see every corner of it, within a few steps you can fall on to the bed, sit down on the couch, cook, and open the door.

“I came here to chase after my dream.” I told him, I still remember how his eyes instantly lit up as I told him my dreams and he told me his.

My whole life, I’ve wanted to be a writer, so I came to the city that never sleeps, a city who has anyone and everyone, with barely any cash in my pocket, after a few nights napping on the bench in central park, I went to buy some snacks from the newsstand and the owner and I started talking, he offered me to stay nights at the newsstand for free until I could offer him some cash, I agreed, and he was the one who helped me found my job, giving out broadway flyers.

Calum then went on and told me his dreams, all his life, he wanted to play music, but he had always met the wrong person at the wrong time, the idea of a band could never happen and he knew he couldn’t just live off a bass, he started writing songs and singing in central parks with his bass from time to time, earning him some coins from tourists, then at last, he told me his life time goal.

“I want to make music that makes people feel things,” He went on explained, “I want couples to scream ‘that’s our song’ or people just to listen to it when they’re feeling down, anything, I want people to feel the emotion in songs.”

But the reality is, for either writers or bass players, it was hard to make it, after bumping to walls everywhere, we had thoughts about giving up on our dreams, but we never did.

 And I’m so glad we never did.

Before he left, we had an argument about how long he would stay in Los Angeles, I was letting him go to chase after his dreams, we had the amount for him to stay six months but I told him if he wanted, I could work extra shifts, he could stay longer until he achieved his goals of getting a record deal.

“I don’t want to put weight on your shoulder,” He instantly rejected the idea, “Plus, I could make it in less than six month, Violet.”

 I’m sorry for doubting you, Cal.