They all stood silent for a long time, staring at the stargazers that Luna's magic had forced to grow. Thia stayed at Luna's side, through the rain that struck as they stood, through the car ride back to the house, even as her friends stepped through the Floo. It wasn't until Professor Sprout rested a hand on Thia's shoulder and told her it was time.
She turned to Luna, resting a hand on hers, "If your aunt's okay with it, we can keep in touch. I think it'd be good for us both to have a friend."
Luna nodded, before hugging her tightly. Thia returned it, before stepping back and turning to the fireplace. With a step and a cry of 'Hogwarts!', she disappeared in a blaze of green.
~
It was two months later when Thia received a letter from Luna, on the day of Gryffindors' first quidditch match of the season. She had learned last year that she and Quidditch matches were not meant for each other, so she had elected to stay back in the common room. Thia ignored the incredulous looks other spectators sent her, choosing to instead focus on her book.
"Thia, this came for you," Remus offered her a sheet of paper, folded and sealed with cobalt blue wax. Engraved in the wax were the initials, 'LB'. She frowned; she didn't know anyone with those initials.
Remus handed her a small knife, and she used it to pry away the wax. Returning the knife, she unfolded the sheet and began to read.
Dear Thia, it read.
How are you feeling? I feel like I'm drowning. Like there's a wave of sadness just crashing down on me over and over again. How are the others doing? The ones that came to the funeral? Do they feel normal yet? Do you ever feel normal again after losing someone?
Can I tell you something? There are times when I wake up expecting to see a letter from her on the kitchen table. Or I'll pull out my stationary to write her. And then I see Aunt Mary with tears in her eyes or the picture frames that have been laid down so that we don't have to see her smiling face, and it all comes back to me. When that happens, I don't feel like I'm drowning; I feel empty. Just, completely void of emotions. And then the drowning comes back, but somehow the emptiness is worse.
Aunt Mary does the same. She was making pancakes the other day and left out two plain ones because Ash didn't like blueberries or chocolate chips. We both cried after that.
I'm supposed to go back to school on Monday. I don't really want to, because I know people are going to ask. They'll want to know what happened, why was I gone for so long, and I'll hear the 'My condolences,' 'I'm so sorry,' 'let me know if there's anything I can do' speeches all day. And even if I don't tell them, then the rumour mill will start, and I'll be the talk of the school.
Aunt Mary says I have to try for at least a week, then we'll see. If it's too overwhelming, then I can be home schooled instead. But we'll see. I have to make it through this week first.
Sincerely, Luna D. Barker
She wiped a tear that slipped down her face. She knew all too well how Luna felt. Hadn't she gone through it with her parents? Wasn't she still going through it? Didn't she still have days where the slightest reminder of her parents made it impossible to for her to function?
"Who's it from?" Remus asked gently. Thia glanced up at him, carefully folding the paper again.
"Ash's sister. We met at the funeral." She heard the clock chime the hour, and she started, "Shouldn't you be at the match?"
He shook his head, "Full moon tonight. I'm not up to that much screaming right now."
She nodded, leaning into his side. He wrapped his arm around her, letting her hide her face against his chest. It wasn't that she was scared of her friend. Really, how could you be? He folded his socks, for Merlin's sake. But that didn't mean she wasn't scared of what he turned into during the full moon. She knew he had no control over that, which was exactly why it terrified her.
"Are you going to write her back?" Thia sat up again, looking down at the paper clasped in her hand.
"Yeah. She could use a friend."
~
Dear Luna,
I get what you mean about feeling like you're drowning. It happens to me every once in a while. For me, it feels like there's a raincloud over my head, and at any moment it's going to just burst. The others are okay. None of us are back to normal, but it's getting better. Lily doesn't climb into my bed as often, and Phaerie has started to eat without Teddy's urging. Phoenix has thrown himself into his work but still takes a break when Teddy needs him.
And really, I don't think any of us will be back to the way we were before. I've learned that normal changes when someone you loved dies. My normal has changed a lot in my life. When I was little, I lost both my parents and had to live with my godmother.
Some days, I wake up in the morning feeling like everything is alright, and then I go down to the common room and see the pitying glances people give me and I remember. It's not that I really forgot in the first place, but more that I felt okay again, that it was okay to be okay. And then I feel guilty, because I'm supposed to be sad, to be mourning, to not feel like everything's okay.
Every few days, I break down. Something will remind me of her or of them, and I just can't function anymore. And you know what? That's okay. That's part of the grieving process. You are going to have days where the only thing you can do is lay in bed all day, and that's okay.
School's going to be hard, I won't lie about that. I didn't go back to school until my aunt got a job at Hogwarts, and even then, it was just work books and the help of the professors during their free periods. But there are going to be whispers, and rumours, and pitying glances. There are going to be people who question why you're still sad about it weeks, months, even years later. And all you can do is ignore them.
There will be days that you feel like an outcast. Where it feels like all you can do is give up. On those days, I want you to go talk to someone. It doesn't have to be about Ash, or how you're feeling, just a five minute conversation on something. A teacher, a student, your aunt. Just talk.
I wish I had better advice for you, but I really don't. Just that you need to take each day little by little. Don't try to focus on the big picture; it'll just get overwhelming. Take breaks when you need them. Find someone you can rely on. It'll help, a lot.
Yours,
Thia Simmons
~
Luna Barker
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