All Was Golden

T W O

Ryan stepped out of his room quietly, hoping not to disturb his roommates.

The box no longer sat on his bed. It now sat in the rooms corner, wrapped completely by a blanket that it was currently far too hot to use.

He couldn't bring himself to open it. Just seeing it out of the closet had hurt too much.

He walked down the hall, leaving his door ajar.

Before moving the box from his closet, his stomach had been growling and ready for a meal. Now, however, it felt like someone was holding his stomach and guts in a fist so tight he was on the verge of nausea.

He hurried past the living room, where his two roommates sat watching TV, to get to the kitchen. Though he moved quickly, he did not move stealthily.

"Ryan?"

"Yea." Ryan called back as he opened a cabinet. He hoped crackers would calm his insides. Maybe he needed to walk to the store and get a Seven Up. As he looked through the cabinet, he heard footsteps approach before a hand was on his shoulder.

"Hey, haven't seen you all day."

"Didn't want to bother you and Pete." Ryan pulled himself from his search to smile at the strawberry blonde beside him.

Patrick rolled his eyes. "Yes, because Netflix is so important." Patrick had a smile on his face, but it faded as he looked at Ryan. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little pale."

"Do I?" Ryan asked, feeling his cheek. It was hot to the touch. Or were his fingers just cold?

Patrick's brown furrowed with concern. "Do you want to sit down?"

"No, no." Ryan shook his head. He took a step back, bumping into the open cabinet door. "I'll be fine. I was just moving some stuff around and I forgot to eat, you know? I just need some crackers for my stomach."

Patrick didn't seem convinced, but he nodded. "We're out of crackers, but we still have some goldfish." He gestured to the living room, "You may have to fight Pete, but they're on the table. I'll get you some water."

Ryan wanted to stop Patrick, but the strawberry blonde was already zipping across the kitchen to pull a cup from its storage shelf. Ryan couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lip. "Thank you."

Ryan stepped into the living room. The light had been turned on and the movie on the television paused. Pete sat with his legs criss crossed on the couch. His newly pink hair was hidden under a sports cap that he had one arm draped over while the other held his phone. He nodded as Ryan approached.

"S'up, dude?" He asked, dropping his phone to his lap to look at Ryan.

Ryan nodded back. "Heard you had a goldfish hookup." He looked around the area as he said it, but he couldn't see the large box they usually bought.

"I do." Pete grinned. "It's gunna cost you."

"They already did when we bought them."

Pete rolled his eyes. "I mean, yea... But this time, they will cost you... Your soul!" He proceeded to raise his hands in the air and make "oooooo" sounds as Patrick came into the room.

"Knock it off Pete, he's having a rough day." Patrick passed Ryan the cup, "They're behind the couch."

"You're no fun." Pete groaned as Patrick made his way over to the couch.

Patrick ducked behind the couch for a moment before reemerging with the goldfish box. He then walked back to Ryan and gave him the box. "Do you wanna sit? We just started the movie."

"No, no thanks." Ryan shook his head as Patrick made his way back to the couch.

"You sure?" Patrick asked. He sat down beside Pete and nudged him with his arm. "I can make him scoot down so there's room."

"Or you can just sit in my lap." Pete offered. He draped an arm over Patrick's shoulders and pulled him close to kiss his cheek.

Ryan gulped. The fist around his insides tightened, making itself known again. "I'm just going to go back to my room." He stepped back, "Thanks for the water."

"No problem, Ryan." Patrick smiled, but it didn't reach his concerned eyes.

Ryan turned and hurried out of the room just as Pete reached for Patrick with his free hand. Even seeing their affection hurt. It wasn't like it was anything new but, after moving the box, everything hurt like a freshly opened wound.

Ryan slowed his pace as he neared his door, trying to slow his breathing as well. He had made it through these feelings once...

He nudged his door with his shoulder, since his hands were full, but it didn't budge. He stepped back with confusion. The door was shut. He tucked the goldfish box under his arm and reached for the knob. He could have sworn he had left it slightly open.

When he did open the door, he looked around his room before stepping in. Nothing looked different. There was no sign anything had changed or been moved.

Ryan stepped inside and guided the door shut with his foot. He must have remembered wrong. It wouldn't be the first time it happened.

He set the water down on his desk near the door. Ice clinked loudly against the sides as he opened the box of goldfish and reached inside. He sat down as he pulled his hand out of the box. He popped a fish in his mouth and looked at the wall above his desk.

Pictures were tacked everywhere. Some from back in highschool, while others were more current. All held smiling faces or goofy expressions with the occasional middle finger taking the spotlight. It was a place of happy memories.

Except for the empty spaces.

There were clear gaps where photos had been untacked and even ripped away from their spot on the wall.

Ryan's eyes filled with tears as he counted all the empty spaces. All were memories he couldn't forget, but he had tried by taking them down from the wall. He hadn't thrown the photos away, he couldn't bring himself to, but he had hidden them.

All were photos of Ryan and... Him.

Just picturing his face made the tears spill from Ryan's eyes. The goldfish in his hand spilled across the desk as he put his head down to muffle his sobs. He held his arms against the side of his head with his hands meeting at the back of his neck.

He had been okay. He had stopped breaking down at the thought of Him. It hurt, but it didn't consume him. He was burying just fine, until he found the box.

Now he just felt broken all over again.