Life Among the Pastures

Dear Valeria

After I left, Lily evaporated from my life completely. For some reason, it left a residue of guilt that throbbed in my chest, preventing me to write any further. It's been difficult to write letters since I would crumble most of them while being paranoid to the core. Also, I couldn't get myself to go to work and felt like my mind shackled me in my bed. Thirst and hunger did not help in convincing myself to get out of bed, and time suddenly flew by hours, days, and months. Time was just going too fast for me.

    My body decayed slowly in the womb of my bed while my body cannibalized every muscle that was left. Everytime I wake up, I find myself comprehending the entire day, from sun-up to sun-down. After staring out the window, I began to witness how the earth wakes up and how the day goes to sleep. You should see it for yourself, Valeria, because the sky reminds you how beautiful this world can be sometimes. Lily came by after she couldn't reach me through my telephone since my phone bill became overdue.
She found me in a form of a mummified corpse and every inhale, I could feel my chest hitting the ribs. My cheekbones were sunken and hung hollow eye bags. Immediately, the ambulance took me away and was fed with a tube in the hospital for a couple of weeks. The day I began to improve, she visited me with a bouquet of flowers and a basket of fruits. She said that the day she came by, she meant to give me an invitation card to her wedding. I only battled my devastation with a smile and when she departed, the grey clouds roamed above me, throwing me back in the eternal eddy of resentment that continued to haunt me.

The nurse opened the window to let the dewy freshness graze over me for a change, while I sat there and looked out into the world with a blind eye, lost in my own thoughts. The wind blew in from the window, inviting a gust of memory like that time when we came back into the barn after observing a bunch of cows. It smelled funny after you told me you could hear the cows "talk" as if you and the old man were up to something. I still couldn't get my mind off of the head of the wolf that protruded from the wall as a display. The tongue escaped from the brim of it's crimson-stained lips and revealed the rows of sharp teeth as if its predacious instinct was still present even after death. What was most frightening was the dilated pupils that paralyzed the menacing look in the eyes.

"Why do you have the head of a wolf on the wall?" I remember asking.

"They are the demons of the pasture," he answered. "They roam the pasture at night to cause disorder."

"So, they come at night?" You asked, wavering while you ducked for another sip of tea.

"Yes. They are the sinners of the land that dare to disturb the heavens."

"Sinners?"

"They were humans in the previous life...most of them. They just so happen to incarnate into the wrong side of the land."

"Humans?" you asked.

"Some humans incarnate as either cows or wolves. Once a person dies, they either incarnate into one of them."

I shot you a glance of bewilderment while your expression showed that you were convinced.

"So, that cow we just talked to..."

"Liam Fertis used to be a human. He lived a good life, so he was chosen to be a cow. They have all the wealth to the earth and wouldn't endure any suffering..not like the wolves at least."

"What about the wolves?"

"This is not the land for the wolves. Food is scarce here for them and they will either wither in their own hunger or will be forced to cause disorder in the land."

"Do they eat the cows?"

"Yes. One of the reasons I own a musket is to defend the land if it ever comes to it."
"So..what are you?" I demanded impatiently. "Who are you? Why are we here? Did you bring us here..?"

His broad shoulders raised cluelessly and stretched his bottom lip as an expression of defeat.

"It's not for me to say." he said.

"What do you mean?"

"I am only a courier of some sort."

"Courier?"

"I only carry out whatever the voices tell me. I don't remember the day I existed. I just somehow existed and no time can define my existence. I'm a wood carver and everytime I carve cowbells for the cows, I subconsciously carve the names of the people. I can't tell you why, it just happens."

"Then, do you know why we are here?"

He shook his head.

"I do believe you are here for a reason, son." he said. "I can't tell you why, but you may need to fulfill something in order to go back to your own world."

My eyes flashed back to the live-wolf decor nailed against the wall and looked through the dark pearls that resembled the pitch darkness of in a deserted cavern. Something about the pupils hinted away the hollowness of the world that was paralyzed in sight, which was the last thing he witnessed. I still remember those eyes ironed into the back of my head and, for some reason, after Lily left me, I could finally see the hollowness of the world through the eyes of the wolf.