Loving Him

Chapter 32

Hours after the doctor had left, Alex still felt a bit shaken from their encounter, the conversation between them resonating in his head.

He hadn't realized just how much he had needed that visit. It was a final push off a cliff he had been teetering on the edge of for a long time.

He'd asked the doctor to relay the message that he wanted to be left alone. It was another selfish move, knowing that his family were waiting right outside but he really had needed time to clear his head and gather his thoughts.

How was he to supposed to start living from now on? He knew he had to make amends with his family somehow but he didn't have the slightest idea what to do. What really ate away at him was that he had no idea how he was supposed to deal with himself from now on. Pain and guilt were all he had known for a long time. He had eventually channeled them into his work and that was what made him into the successful man he was today. Guess that was one good that came out of his otherwise messed up life.

If he didn't have the pain to drive him anymore, then what was he going to start to live for?

Family.

The word popped into his subconscious so clearly it was like someone had whispered it straight into his ears. It became a resounding sonnet, continuously ringing in his heart. His family had always been there, despite how he had pushed them away and he knew they would always be there. It was time for him to be there for them. All of him.

Alex was so far gone in his own world that he didn't notice the door opening and someone making their way to him, not until he was standing right in front of Alex.

"Are you okay?" Raymond asked, his words taking on a concerned note.

Alex startled, nodded, then shook his head in a confused manner. Letting out a frustrated groan, he placed his head in between his hands.

Raymond stared helplessly at his brother who looked absolutely shaken. He had never seen Alex looking so vulnerable and out of it in a long time. Was it the meeting with Dr Peter that had shaken him up like this? "Talk to me, Alex. Did Dr Peter upset you?"

Alex nodded, then shook his head again.

"For God's sake, what--?"

"I'm sorry."

They both froze in shock. For Alex, it was because he'd had no idea he was going to utter those words. For Raymond however, it wasn't much of the words but the genuine remorse that had accompanied them. Alex's head was bent lowly, he was obviously avoiding eye contact. Raymond knew he wasn't good with apologies, especially genuine ones.

"What are you sorry about?" Raymond asked out of confusion and curiosity. What exactly had the doctor said that had made him like this?

Alex opened his mouth only to close them again. It was obvious how much of a struggle he was involved in as his whole body was tensed and the veins in his arms and head were practically popping. Baring hearts had never been so difficult.

"Nobody told me it was going to be so hard!" Alex ranted out of pure frustration to no one in particular.

Raymond only lifted an inquisitive brow in response although Alex couldn't see since his head was still buried in his hands. Raymond didn't want to give away how interested he was. It might cause him to recoil.

Letting out a deep breath, Alex finally looked up at Raymond and said, "I'm only going to say this once so you better listen." Before Raymond could say anything, he continued in a grudging tone, "I'm sorry for being a selfish bastard and a shitty brother."