A World of Her Own

Chapter 19

Liora didn't see Jason again until a few days after the New Year. He and his family had gone out of town to spend time with their extended family over Christmas. Katelynne was a little disheartened not to be spending time with Christina over the holidays but she focused on catching up with some of her other friends. She also spent more time with Liora. Liora hung out with Nathaly and Adriana over the holidays but she also focused on reconnecting with her own family, especially her siblings. They revived all their Christmas traditions, singing Christmas carols, decorating the tree, hanging the stockings and watching endless classic Christmas movies. Liora loved 'It's A Wonderful Life' the best. She always felt a certain kinship with George Bailey, the man who dreamed of an adventurous life traveling the world but ended up staying home and discovering the meaning of love and family. In some ways, she felt the same way. She had always dreamed of traveling the world and meeting new people. And she still did want to travel. But she was enjoying her newfound closeness with her family. And when she started the semester at Rainridge, the world would be coming to her. She looked forward to meeting kids from all over the world and learning about their lives. She was also really looking forward to spending time with her peers who were also hard of hearing or Deaf. She loved hanging out with Nathaly and Adriana and their friends. It was such a relief not to struggle to fit in, to not feel like she was different. She wasn't the 'hard of hearing' girl with them or 'the girl who wore hearing aids'. She was just Liora and as she looked at her other new friends who also wore hearing aids or had cochlear implants or signed, she felt a wave of belonging wash over her. The feeling was so strong that she almost cried and she often had to discreetly wipe away her tears under the pretense of having some dirt or debris in them.

Liora went with her family to a candlelight Christmas Eve service at Jason's church. It was the first time she had gone to a service there though she had been in the children's church many times during the weeks she was reading with Ranga. She had gone with her family to the live Nativity the day before. Jason's church hosted that as well but it was located on the same farm where they had the fall festival. Liora was awash with memories as she wandered through the Nativity scenes on the farm. She could clearly recall Ranga in his tiger costume, chatting away as they rode the hayride. She noticed a tree that seemed familiar and wondered if it was the same one that she sat under after Ranga left, the one where Jason tripped over her in the dark. She recalled their conversation, how she felt like he was pushing her away from him and how she had left him with tears streaming down her face. She could still feel the hurt she had felt then, remembering how he had spent the evening with his friends, never even bothering to come over and say hello. She had felt like an outsider. She had never truly felt like she fit in with his friends, had always felt the weight of being different, too shy, not outgoing, too much of a dreamer to fit in with all those exuberant teenagers. Always somewhat clueless at to what was going on. Pretending that she had actually heard and understood the conversation. Laughing at jokes she never heard the punchline to. Suddenly she felt very glad he was leaving. She had grown too dependent on him. She couldn't let her worth be determined by someone else and whether they liked her or not. She had always felt like she was striving for his attention, had never felt completely secure with him especially in the presence of other teenage girls. She didn't blame him for that either. Those were her own insecurities. He was a wonderful friend in many ways and she was very glad she had met him. She would never regret their time together. But it was time to move on and create her own life.

The stirring Christmas hymns and the glow of candlelight touched something deep inside her as Liora sat in the church. She let herself float away, her mind drifting as she imagined the very first Christmas. Was it wondorous? Did it seem as heavenly as sitting here in this seat, surrounded by the  soft glow of light? Or was it messy and chaotic, filled with struggle and pain but also tremendous joy? Liora had wanted her life to be easy, to fit in and find somewhere she belonged. But she also wanted a life of meaning and purpose. Perhaps she couldn't have both. She thought of Nathaly and Adriana. Certainly their lives hadn't been easy but they were two of the happiest people she knew and also the truest friends she ever had. She hoped they would continue to grow closer to one another over the next semester. And in some ways, it was because of Jason that she had these wonderful friends, these friends that had helped open the door to her new life. She was grateful that he had taken the time to reach out to her, that he had introduced her to Ranga and invited her to church activities and outings with his friends. But now she was meant to move further through the door that had been opened for her, the life that was awaiting her. He had merely been the catalyst to her new life. And perhaps she had been a catalyst for him as well. She thought of their long talks about him searching for a sense of purpose, how she had talked about wanting to be a missionary. Had those conversations stirred something in him? Had it made him more open to leaving high school and going overseas to attend a missionary school? She wasn't sure she would ever know.