Demons |¤| Lashton

03: Confess, Confess

Ashton

"Hey Luke. Uh, I'm just calling to ask if you're okay? Ah-Michael said, he, he called and texted obviously and you weren't responding and I don't know I just thought I'd add to your missed calls list? I don't know--actually Michael said he was going to call your house if you didn't pick up and I just thought I would try to let you know in case this reaches you before Michael reaches your mum. Hope you're not dead. Don't die. Right. Bye."

I hang up the call and switch off my phone screen before letting out an exasperated sigh.

Michael had texted the band group chat saying Luke hadn't come to school today. I really tried not to worry about his new habit of skipping school because it's none of my business. I don't even go to the same school as them and they all know each other better than I do. I'm the latest addition to the "friend group" and I'm starting to really believe that I don't fit in with them. My fault I guess.

I've been standing by the bike rack for long enough that almost everyone has left, there's just a few students waiting around now. They didn't say whether band practice was cancelled today or not but I'll probably ride over to Michael's house again just in case. I've fumbled enough shit. I shove my phone in my pocket before unlocking my bike. It's hot out today but I'm still wearing my uniform, I'm too tired and nauseous to switch out.

Autopilot kicks in and all I can think about as I head over is Luke, and what practice will be like, the awful tension, and if I'll cry again today. I don't want to cry. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of always being so uncertain. Maybe today I should tell them they should find someone else. Luke is-

My bike is ripped from my hands and I slam into the ground.

A rock, is my first thought. Then the nausea washes over me again. The sand underneath me is hot. I lay for a while.

When I get up, my pants are ripped at the knee and my stomach is emptier than before. My front tire is blown. I'll walk. Michael's house is closer than mine, so I pick up where I left off.

The sight of Michael's porch just makes me sadder. Nothing wrong with it, just with me. Discarding my bike off to the side, I saunter up and ring the doorbell.

Michael answers it finally. "What's wrong with you?" is how he says hi. His face swims in my eyes.

----

The gears in my brain are always spinning and ever accelerating. My skin is hot to the touch, and I really don't think I'll be able to move my body. I look at my hands. I've bitten my nails to their beds and then some. I'm always bleeding somewhere.

I'm lying on Michael's living room couch waiting for my mom to pick me up. "There's no practice today, stupid," Michael told me. His mom gave me some water but I feel too sick to take it. Time drags slower than it ever has.

By the time my mom comes to get me, it's almost dark outside. "What did you do?" she asks. She frets over me for a moment before talking to Michael's mom some more. I don't hear them.

What did I do?

I know what I did.

----

Luke hasn't talked to me properly in weeks. It bothers me endlessly. I probably bother him endlessly too. The other guys are not immune from the silent treatment.

I don't know whether I should be sorry or angry that they got dragged into it.

I wonder if anyone I know thinks about these things as much as I do. If anyone thinks of me as the sad, devastated thing I see myself as. But I resolve that I'm worse than I can fathom. I'll never see how much worse I am from the perspective of a right mind. Oh, go ahead and play the martyr, Ashton, is how I imagine my father would respond to that. 

From the outside, this doesn't seem like such a big fucking deal, huh? But it is. I can ruin all of them. I don't want to, but that's how it's unfolding. I'm fully aware that I'm the final piece of the puzzle and completely expendable. The ice I walk on is thinner than anyone else's. It's just such a fucking stupid thing and it's been blown way out of proportion. I want to scream at him until I cry but I won't.

What would I do? Confess to him? 

There's no way Luke hasn't figured it out for himself already and that makes me want to die in 10,000 ways all at once. It's a time bomb now. But I don't want to dare out myself if I don't have to. That's the only reason I've kept my mouth shut. It's probably the only thing I've done right all this time.

----

We're at Calum's house. There was some smattering of music talk that brought us here, but nothing's happening. Everyone's off elsewhere, probably procrastinating an inevitable awkward encounter. And Luke's here too, we're all here. He hasn't really talked yet, but he's occupied in the kitchen with something. We can hear him clattering around. I've bound myself to yet another couch, awaiting another day in my own personal hell. I'm imagining a scenario in my head where I'm screaming at him to let it go. I said it won't change anything, but I indulge myself anyway to try and ease a sliver of my guilt. I don't want to reduce myself to a crying mess on the floor. Should I be grabbing him by the shoulders? Hugging him tightly so he can't escape so I can explain myself? I feel like he will never give me to opportunity to clear myself if I don't force him to face me. If I hold him, maybe he would be able to tell I've changed? 

"I'm over it all, it's over! I promise, please! It's all okay now. You can be over it because I'm over it--and I am over it! I'm over you and I'm over all of it! Every single little thing is out of the way. No more. I'm done forever. I'm begging, please, fucking please let it be the way it was!" 

A loud slam makes me jump, and my legs flail a little as I try to sit upright on the couch so I can see the door. 

Luke is standing in the doorway glaring at me. My stomach sinks. It's all too much with him here, and tears that were starting to form now burn my cheeks. 

I stare back at him, my body shaking with silent cries, and he stares back, unmoving. A fraction of me prays that he really did read my mind. Everything is silent for a moment.

"Guys?" Calum calls softly from the hallway. "Mike and I are gonna grab something to eat, do you want to come?"

I blink, and Luke is gone in an instant.

Calum sighs, mostly to himself, and I listen breathlessly as he heads back down the hall, the sound of his footsteps fading into nothingness. Only then do I get up, and wiping the tears from my face, I hurry after Calum.