Dedicated to- Nearigwrites
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I can't seem to get out of bed, not that I don't want to, but I think to myself what's the purpose? What will I achieve? Isn't it the same thing I do everyday? I will come back feeling drained and exhausted. Conversations are going on and I'm lost in my own thoughts. Someone must've told a joke because everyone else seems to be laughing, but I must've not heard it, I laugh anyways. When am done it feels like there's a cloud of darkness and emptiness, I am brought back to reality, but wishing I stayed cause everything here makes me weak.
Sometimes I get lost in myself, I try to take a thirty minute nap to stop the ache in my back and head, but it feels more like a sleep of eternity when I try to get up. I don't need to be me, I don't want to be me.
"Are you okay?" Someone asks, I think her name's Mercy, or something like that.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine. I just need to pee" I announce, brandishing my best 'I'm okay' smile.
I grab a pair of scissors making sure she doesn't notice it. She looks up as i take my leave and gives me a little smile before continuing on her phone. I quickly rush to the bathroom, making sure she doesn't notice. Luckily she doesn't, no one usually does. I make it to my room quickly enough, before I can chicken out, not this time.
...
And here I am, laying inside the bathtub filled with water, I am waiting, pleading, begging God to give me a sign, to give me some reason to stay, to fight, but I get nothing, nothing at all. So I make slashing motions above my wrist, holding back a scream, its superficial, nothing deep enough, so I try again, biting back against stopping and lay back in the tub, letting the tears fall freely now. This is it, let the darkness consume me.
I just feel offended, I just feel defensive, why don't you accept me?
