Lame Poems and Other Thoughts

I Am Beowulf

18 October 2019

I am not Beowulf because I have demons. I am Beowulf because I am striving to overcome them. The year 2019 has been one of the best years of my life. I got a 3 on my AP U.S. History exam. I got a 4 on my AP Psychology exam. I was able to get a summer job on my own and save up for college and a mission. I have completed my Young Women Recognition award and Honor Bee for church. I talked and flirted with more boys over the summer than ever before in my life. I went to Teton Valley with my family over the summer. I went to The Happiest Place On Earth and also got over my fear of the ocean. Two of my sisters welcomed children into this world. My uncle completed his time behind the steel bar. My brother came home from his mission. And last but not least, I was able to join a school sports team.

In the story of Beowulf, the mighty King Beowulf, takes up the task to defeat the fire-breathing dragon that has been tormenting his kingdom. The hero was around seventy-years-old but still held firm to the values of the Heroic code: strength, courage, honor, loyalty, hospitality, and generosity. Before entering into the Dragon's den, Beowulf gives his last speech. In that address he says, "I am old, now, / But I will fight again, seek fame still, / If the dragon hiding in his tower dares / To face me." (lines 608-610). With help, the famed warrior defeats the dragon but sadly loses his life.

In this life, one faces many dragons. Not actual physical beasts, but metaphorical demons. Beowulf faces three major monsters throughout the poem. The mighty hero overcomes all three through weapons, strength, and God. It is hard to minimize all of one's demons to only three. Human beings have many demons. Many metaphorical monsters they are trying to manage. And many are without the strength, the weapons, and a God to overcome them. It truly depends on the person, and if they have prepared themselves for the challenge.
The year 2019 has been one of my worst years so far. I have had to move five times since seventh grade, and none of those moves took place in 2019. I have lived in two different peoples' homes and four houses, and once again, none of that happened in 2019. So what made the year so bad? Because those events are arguably the worst events in my life. For this piece, I am going to focus on three major demons that I myself am facing. I have many, but I will choose my major demons. Fire-breathing difficulties that have required weapons, strength, and God.

Friends. Friends can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sometimes one is able to notice right away, other times, it takes only a year. I say only a year because after a year, they're ready to show their true colors. After a year, they're ready to test your loyalty. After a year, I found out who someone truly was. I've never had a best friend. I come from a family of eleven. Not one of us have ever only clung to one person. We have each other--no room for backstabbers. But I had a very good friend part of my sophomore and junior year of high school. But she is a true Grendel in disguise. She found a way to destroy my mead-hall—my beliefs—everyday. Grendel is the first monster that Beowulf faces. The monster attacks the mead-hall of the Danes and inflicts pain and suffering. The mead-hall, in the end, represents the Danes' culture and way-of-life, and Grendel represents the evil that Beowulf exorcises, restoring the Danes beliefs and culture. This "friend" was inflicting on my way-of-life and I had to leave them behind. Everyday was a fight and I was ready to move on. I was raised, very much like the dragon-slayer, to stand strong in adversity. I saw my friend as weak. An older brother of mine told me to surround myself with people better than me, more successful than me, so that I might reach a higher bar of happiness. A true friend would reach higher and higher and encourage greatness. That is a challenge—a demon—that I have had to face. My weapon is the fact that I have the capability to remove this friend from my life.

Grendel and his mother were of the same blood, both being descendants of Cain, the one who kills his brother in Genesis. Another dragon that I have been put up to the challenge to face is human as well, but a concept at the same time. Dating. Dating is undeniably a dragon that every human faces. I might be over assuming that assumption but love is by far the hardest thing to grasp in this life. Though I am going out of order here, my religion and beliefs have truly carried me through this test. Beowulf lost his sword in the battle against Grendel's Mother but through divine design, was able to obtain a blessed sword. Having had the experience of liking a teenage boy and being liked back, giving more attention to one person than others and receiving attention back, and allowing that hopeful feeling to overcome every nerve like waves crashing on rocks when he comes into view and wondering if he feels the same way when he sees you. I allowed some things to go too far. A boy became a drug that I allowed myself to get high on. A boy who broke a friendship that I cherished and now have to live with the fact of never having ever again. But my Divine Creator was there to lift me up. I realized that I didn't want that attention now. If I sought after it now, then that attention seeking mindset would just lead boys on because for a split second they gave me that attention, I would accept it then throw them away because they just didn't make the cut of requirements on the list. My church encourages the youth to date once they turn sixteen. I never had a problem with that suggestion, but I understand why the authorities of my church have implemented it. I am also encouraged to date boys of my church. There is no greater struggle for a young woman of my religion than dating a boy who is planning on leaving after high school. They leave on missions and usually come back a completely different person. I would know, I have had two brothers serve missions and come back unlike their high school selves. How are girls of my church supposed to date in high school only to have their hearts torn out when the boy breaks up them and decides that he must prepare to leave and serve the Lord? I couldn't agree more with the boy but I must wait a few more years to truly dedicate time to someone who is worth it. Dating this year has not been kind to me and I hope to make later experiences a little better. Through God and the support of church, I have been able to overcome Grendel's Mother just as Beowulf was able to with a blessed sword and kill the vicious monster.

A more recent dragon that I am facing that truly does feel like the end of my life is my leg. My family has a history of bad knees, hips, and shoulders. Half of my siblings have had surgery on either one of those three appendages. Like the Dragon at the end of the epic poem, Beowulf, the strain in my leg and my bad knees are taking my running career away from me just like Beowulf's life was taken from him. But Beowulf believed in being fierce and courageous. I too must have the strength to get through this injury and not allow it to stop me from staying physically fit and healthy. Beowulf was incredibly strong even at seventy-years-old. I know that if I have the courage and fierceness to get through this handicap, then I will.

In life it feels as though you're carrying a potato sack through a desert cattle trail. Having to go up and down hills only to have dirt added to that sack every time you make a mistake or wish you'd chosen a different path. I know I've felt that way many times, and not just in the year 2019. But with the strength, armor (to protect yourself when hits come your way), and God, there will be times when that sack is able to be emptied and possibly stay empty. Trials, Dragons, Demons, Tests. They all have one thing in common that Beowulf is able to gain and so am I: the lesson learned. By taking advantage of these three significant aids, one will be able to overcome their dragons and and not be defeated by them. Many won't be defeatable, but overcoming by learning the lesson and allowing devine design to keep its course and remember that the universe has a plan.