Lettres à personne

To The One I Couldn't Confess To

Hi there,

What should I call you? Let's call you Mr X.

It's funny how I babble so much whenever I talk to you and yet I have shied away from revealing the deepest feelings of my heart to you. And how could I? I was afraid that your higher morals and our age gap would always come in between, not to mention the fact that our friendship could get ruined forever.

It makes it all the more harder because you aren't my first love. And the confession to my first love didn't go as well as planned, though we still are friends, but this confession is a lot more harder because — I can imagine a future with you.

My first love was a failed mission from the very start because we had a thousand barriers between us. Reciprocation of love is a far cry when you differ in languages, religions, cultures and every other thing. But for you it isn't so. Though we're still from different states, different backgrounds and yet we're united by the same religion, language and a lot of other things which come into consideration when we talk about a typical Indian family scenario.

You might wonder how did I fall for you when I know nothing about you except a bunch of common interests, a few scattered photographs on social media, a couple of hundred random chats and a gorgeous voice heard only once. But you should know from this that it wasn't love at first sight or that I'm not even interested in your looks. It was always mind over matter for me and I found that twinkle of intellect in you, that I always search for.

It's been five months since you dropped into my message space and since then you've shown me nothing but hope. You've pulled me through darker nights and lonelier days. Sometimes you've also been the cause of the same loneliness and yet I don't complain.

They say love happens only once. I say they're wrong. When my first love ended in a dead-end, as a friendship, after all the efforts I had put, I had asked my best friend, if I'd ever be able to forget my first love and she had told me a very important thing — 'Your first love won't go away that easily. The feelings will stay until there comes another love that exceeds the first feelings. Another wave to wash over the first wave' and you are that massive tidal wave.

I won't tell you that you washed over me completely but you really overshadowed the other love and I don't understand how. I'm always worried every moment that if you leave, my already broken heart and mind won't be able to handle that stress and that stops me from confessing to you. I don't want to leave you though you're not mine. I'm not clingy. I'm just a girl that needs to be respected and loved the way she loves. I'm just a lost soul searching for her redemption in unknown lands and I found you.

If you remember, our first brush wasn't that pleasant. You had ideas about me and I had them about you — preconceived biases. I showed anger and despair while you were always the epitome of calm until I realised how wrong I was. You're nothing like they say you are. I misjudged you, or did I? Some days when you leave my messages on read, it makes me overthink on possibilities. I convince my heart that you might be busy. When you have mood swings or ignore me, the deja vu of my first love hits me hard like a slap in the face. At times I wonder if every feeling I feel will end up at a dead-end of the maze?

I tend to argue sometimes because I care. I can see signs of stress, of fatigue. I can see signs of loneliness but you don't let me in, or let me help though I know I can. Just like you listen patiently to me and show me the light, I wish you'd allow me to do the same — feelings or not, doesn't matter. But as a friend, yes.

Seeing you hurt, hurts me. But you'd never understand all that. You never stop to think why I say what I say and I continue giving you chance after chance, why? Partly because I know that's who you are and I've learnt to accept people the way they are and also because I know it's hard for you to trust someone else with things, your feelings, your emotions. You're so used to bottling them up, that you hate being open and vulnerable but believe me, I can help. I want to help. And I do dream of a life with you.

Sometimes I do wonder if all this is worth it, because maybe I'd never confess to you. Or maybe when your parents fix your marriage, I'd just let you know about my feelings and then disappear from your life. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to be nagging, to be a third wheel. But since I have feelings, I tend to say more than needed at times. The distance hurts, the behaviour hurts and yet I choose to stay.

Let's get down to happy memories. I'm so lucky to have been mentored by you, the connecting thread that still exists between us, the origin of the river of friendship. I enjoy your poetry, I enjoy your abstract art, though I don't understand it at times. I try to encourage you on new starts and discourage you from giving up because you tend it do it so often.

To me, you're much more than those late-night jamming sessions, the nostalgic old music and the shared playlists and memes. To me, you're more than just a name and a position of authority. To me, you're more than just a friend. To me, you mended my heart in ways you didn't know. If I can ignore the hurt, you've always been a pillar since the start.

You're the wizard, you're the light, you're the smile, you're the strength. I may not show it to you but my feelings exist. I may not confess to you just yet but believe me, I have those desires, hidden somewhere deep within the core of me. In my dreams and imaginations, we just meet and talk. I long for a touch, for a hug but the distances are too much. In the future we may go further apart until the other becomes just a memory in the fading past.

I don't hope for anything else, but is it too much to wish for stability, for reciprocation, once in my life? You won the way to my heart and yet it hurts to see you go. I'm insecure. Because I'm not beautiful. I'm plus-sized, I'm not pretty enough like a few other girls you associate with. I'm not modern enough, I'm just old school. I'm not attractive enough and I'm not docile enough. While others may just listen calmly, I'll lash out and react. But I assure you you'd never find someone more understanding than me.

I love you enough to let you go if you find another love someday, but for now, I wish I could say those words. I wish I could tell you all I feel. I wish you'd say something someday and it'll be all right. But destiny is cruel as it continues to destroy me by eating me up from the inside — the frustration, the sadness, the loneliness. Just saying I loved you, I still love you and will continue loving you into a tomorrow. I don't believe in the eternity but I'll be here as long as you want me and then I'll walk away.

~the little fairy you rescued