Her Worlds

Chapter 16

A Year 

August 20th: I'm losing my appetite, it's hard to eat but talking to you makes it easier to keep it down.

August 29th: You get mad at me for being supportive and telling you to take your time in whatever you were trying to tell me. I never told you that I knew what you were going to say. You never ended up telling me.

August 30th: The day is both as clear as can be and a blur of movement and emotion. You tell me you want to stop talking. I have a panic attack and break down after my match.

August 31st: I can't get out of bed. I'm tired.

August 31st - September 12: You periodically text me apologies, I ignore them and ask for time to think. I'm still crying but anger and bitterness is building.

September 12th: You want to talk. We do. You say that a mutual said that there was probably nothing you could do anymore. There's not. I don't say as much.

September 14th: We are at a sleepover together, you cried because I was avoiding you and I fell asleep to avoid you.

September 15th: We are purposely distanced by our friends. You text me later asking if I was actually avoiding you. I lie. You want to try again, I say it would never work. We fight. We stop talking.

September 16th - November 25: Things are always easier to answer in hindsight, but I'm not sure I can answer why I was so deeply angry and bitter. I'm almost still ashamed of how angry and hateful I was.

I'm so very tired, and sometimes I still cry. No matter what I tried to tell myself, I really did care once.

November 26th: The dance. I built high and mighty walls, preparing to see you once more. I felt beautiful, confident, maybe arrogant even. I even went so far to seek you out. I only got passing glances, and the walls I built weren't strong enough to stop the wounds from reopening.

November 27th: I'm tired. I'm so close to giving up.

November 29th: I decide to try out dating despite not having much of an interest ever. Hindsight me says I was lonely and needed a distraction. I'm still so sorry.

December 22nd: I'm crumbling. I can't eat, I have migraines too often, I can never remember anything. I'm going through the motions and sometimes I wonder if everyone else could tell too. A coat of bitter sits thick in my throat, a taste that I can never swallow.

December 26th - 27th: My friends finally hold an intervention. Saying they are worried is an understatement. Guilt plagues me because they're right. I'm too tired to do anything though. I'm giving up.

December 29th - 30th: I'm scared, my health is declining fast. My friends are right, this needs to stop. I break up with you. I'm still sorry, but so thankful that you were understanding and willing to be friends with me still.

December 31st - January 1st: I decide enough is enough. I'm tired of being angry and bitter, I'm tired of being too tired. I want to be better. I vow to myself that I will dedicate this next year, this next decade, I will spend it learning how to love myself and take care of myself. It will be hard, but I refuse to let the past repeat itself without trying to enact change. Kim Seokjin belts out, "I'm the one I should love, in this world" as the clock strikes twelve. The new year, the new decade begins. A small weight lifts from my shoulder.

January: Getting up is hard, so is eating. I'm so tired but I know I need to keep going. Eight migraines in a matter of two weeks. I find fleeting happiness in the small things. I have to remind myself nearly daily to love myself in anyway I can that day. My wound is still raw and I still think about you too often.