Tainted Love (bxb)

Chapter 43 - Holding the dead

And Riley did sleep. A lot. I tried to be there for him, but it seemed like my presence changed absolutely nothing about his state. When he wasn't sleeping, he was on his phone watching videos or scrolling through instagram trying to distract himself. If that didn't work, he went back to sleep. He sometimes acknowledged my presence with a weak smile or a thank you if I brought him something to drink or eat, just in case he was hungry. But other times, it was like he wasn't even there with me in that bed, like I was a ghost to him or he was one who couldn't see me. 

And those were the easy times. The times where I couldn't see his pain, where it felt like he was just lazy and tired and just about over it all. No, the really bad times were when he couldn't take it anymore. When he cried in my arms, begging me to make it all stop. Make the pain and the fear stop. Make the derealization stop, so he could continue his normal life. When he was as scared as in the sled, and overwhelmed. 

The first time it happened, it scared me shitless. I was just in the shower, freshening up, when I felt Riley's overwhelming fear. And I thought none of it, because that seemed to be his current, none changing state. Scared. And maybe I should have been alarmed, that it appeared to be stronger than usually, but I had learned these past two day's to not overreact, because if I kept a cool head, it helped Riley. It calmed him and if I could do that much for him, I would, always. 

But when I returned from the shower, a little quicker than usually, I admit that I was a little concerned for his well being, he was sitting upright in the bed, something he had only done the past couple of days to go to the bathroom or try and clear his head and vision and see if the condition had retreated again, hugging himself and rocking back and forth in order to try and make the world stop, make him return from his unwanted little Narnia trip, but of course that didn't happen. He was making sounds of discomfort, trying to change his seating position just to change something about his situation, anything. 

When I realized that he was freaking out, maybe even having another panic attack, I rushed to his side, but he didn't want to be touched. It seemed to only trigger him more and I couldn't ask him what to do, what would help him, as he was completely lost in the Dr/Dp mixed together with a panic attack. And so now I was panicking. Naturally. I tried to get him to look at me, to make him concentrate on his mate, which would probably help, but he just didn't see me. I mean, he saw me, but his brain couldn't absorb the image of me properly and that seemed to only freak him out more. But I knew I had to make him feel safe again and calm him down at least a little bit. 

So I made him do a trick I learned online, while I was searching the forums for help on how to deal with Riley, how to help him in his current state. There wasn't too much information out there, but at least I found some information on how to help him when he had a panic attack and oh was it good that I did, because in that situation, I was would have been screwed and so would have been Riley. I made him focus on one point in the distance, he could concentrate on, because apparently his vision was like a tunnel and he could only concentrate on small things at a time. Then I told him to name me five things he could see out of the corner of his eyes and then five things he could hear. 

Then we did the same with four things, then three, two and one and by the end he was at least able to distract himself with his phone again, but a few minutes later, when the realization of what had just happened settled in, he started crying. He was just so frustrated with his situation, as he didn't see the end of it yet. There he let me hold him and tell him that it would pass, like it always had and it would get better again. Because everything passes eventually and for once that was a good thought for the two of us. When he calmed down and let his frustration and fears out, he fell asleep again and the circle began once more. 

Riley was anything but weak, I realized that these past few days. I mean I always knew that. Fighting his disability, going through life trying nothing but his best...he was strong, but when I saw him in these kinds of states, where he was completely lost and helpless, I really understood just how strong my mate was. He fought every day of his life and now more than ever. He would get through this, I knew it, but I didn't want him to have to experience something like this. It seemed traumatic, that his own brain was rejecting him like that and playing its little tricks on him, but I knew I shouldn't worry, because eventually, he would be ok again.