write to me

"this letter is all breaks and starts"

Korra,

Well, I did it. I finally went into that secret workshop beneath the mansion, where my father was making illegal weapons for the Equalists. It was definitely an experience. It's empty now, all the weapons were confiscated by the Republic City police, so it's hard to imagine what it once looked like. I don't think I want to know. I'm sure I could ask Mako or Beifong if there were any photos taken for evidence but I think that might be too much for me to handle. Just knowing that this was literally right under my nose is upsetting enough.

I haven't been sleeping well since. This place felt less and less like a home over the years, but now it feels almost unbearable. I feel like such an idiot for not knowing this was happening. It's putting me past sleep. With my father gone I can easily just push everything he did out of my mind, but now after actually seeing the workshop and knowing that it's part of what I once called home, I can't ignore it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if actually going down there was a good idea. I don't know if I can stay here anymore. I might try to find a place of my own, free of any ghosts of an incredibly broken and violent past.

I hope you're okay. I haven't heard from you in a couple months.

-Asami

Asami-

I'm sorry I took so long to write back. I guess I lost track of time. The weeks are starting to blend together here and I've been so stuck. I still haven't made much progress. I hate that I can't ask any of my past lives for advice or guidance. Katara reminded me during one of our healing sessions that I'm not the only Avatar who's gone through something traumatic. And she's right. After disappearing for a hundred years Aang found out his entire people and culture were wiped out. But finding out your people were killed while you were gone is so much more traumatic than just being poisoned. Kyoshi being abandoned by her parents and losing her father figure is more traumatizing than anything I've ever been through. I feel pathetic for being this messed up over an event that lasted for what, an hour? I'm fortunate enough to have a family and a home to come back to after it happened. I have people like you to write to. And I'm still not okay. After Avatar Aang found out his entire nation was killed he went and mastered the other 3 elements in less than a year and saved the world. I got poisoned and a few months later I'm still at home, unable to walk or take care of myself.

I'm really proud of you for going into your dad's secret workshop. That had to be so hard. I know that you have mixed feelings about it, but I think you did the right thing. Maybe confronting it gave you that push you needed to finally make your own home someplace else?

-Korra

Korra,

If there's anything I've learned, it's that trauma isn't a competition. Was it traumatic for Kyoshi to lose every family figure, and for Aang to learn that he was the last of his people? Absolutely. But neither of those experiences take away from what you went through. You were almost killed, and from what you told me, it was incredibly painful. And it's not just the experience that can mess you up, the aftermath can be traumatic too. Struggling to function because someone hurt you so badly is traumatic. You're a powerful person, Korra. You're fierce and you're not one to back down from a fight. Zaheer went out of his way to make sure you couldn't fight back. Trauma is more about how powerless you were in a situation, not how scary or harsh it was. You have every right to be messed up over this.

I didn't feel too traumatized after the break-in. I felt grief for losing my mother but I think I was too young to fully understand what happened that night. And as I grew older, I thought I was fine. It had happened so long ago and I could defend myself anyway so I had nothing to worry about. And it could've been worse. I still had my father, and I still had a pretty comfortable life because he was the CEO of Future Industries, so I felt like I didn't really have a right to be messed up over it. But secretly I was having nightmares and I found myself struggling to sleep. Any noise in the night would wake me up and I'd lie in bed, frozen and terrified, worried it was about to happen again. I'm fortunate to still have a bed to sleep in but that doesn't mean much if I can't sleep properly. I didn't realize until years later that it was a traumatizing experience, and my father's arrest only made it worse. I thought I only had to worry about the scary things that existed outside my home that might try to come in and hurt me and was given the harsh reminder that villains aren't necessarily outsiders.

On the other hand, meeting you and the rest of Team Avatar reminded me that people outside of your home are good and kind, too, and sometimes they're better for you than the people in your home. I guess that goes back to how sometimes home is the people that make you feel safe.

Maybe you're right that confronting the workshop is pushing me to move forward. I think I was holding onto my childhood house, hoping that someday it would feel less tainted, but now I think I'm ready to accept that this place stopped being my home a long time ago. The longer I stay here the longer it'll be until I feel safe or at home again.

-Asami

Asami-

I guess that's true, about trauma being a result of powerlessness. I'm beginning to realize that it's ongoing for me because I'm still powerless. I haven't told anybody but I keep having nightmares. I haven't even tried to get into the Avatar state yet. I think I'm too scared to but I'm also worried that if I don't try soon then I'll forget how to completely and never be able to do it again. On a brighter note, I'm able to stand again, with a little help. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be back to normal and back in Republic City. I miss you guys. I'd do anything to see a pro bending match or drive with you or help you find a new apartment. Where are you going to stay in the meantime?

Can I ask you for some advice? What do you do when you get nightmares, or when you have trouble falling asleep?

-Korra

PS I'm really thankful for your letters. You confronting your dad's workshop really helped me accept that I have to confront what happened to me. It's a scary thing to do but I think I have to do it.

Korra,

Honestly, and I hate to admit it, but the nightmares were easiest to deal with when I was with Mako. I felt protected sleeping in the same bed as a pro bender. And when I'd wake up from a nightmare he would help calm me down. Nowadays it's different, I have to take care of myself instead. I sleep with my Equalist glove on my nightstand just in case, and when I do wake up from a nightmare, I'll often get up and make a cup of tea to relax and tire me out a bit. But it's easier when you have someone there with you just to help you feel safe and to hold you as you fall back asleep. I'm not saying that I miss Mako, I think that relationship is better off in the past and I think we were meant to be friends rather than a couple. But I do miss having somebody.

We all really miss you, too. Well, I still haven't seen much of Mako and Bolin so I can't speak for them, but I'll bet that they do. I know I miss you. My offer to come with you still stands, by the way. I know when you left you said not to worry because you would only be gone a couple weeks, but it's been a few months since we got to spend some girl friend time together. I know I'd love to get out of the mansion, even if only for a couple of weeks.

Let me know!

-Asami

PS You're probably wondering why this is in a package. I wanted to send you some of the tea I drink after having a nightmare, it's got chamomile to help you relax. Let it steep for about 4 minutes before you drink it!