write to me

"see how prompt I am in writing you now"

Korra,

I'm sorry I took so long to write back. I was thinking a lot about what you said, and didn't know what to say, and didn't want to write anything back until I did. And then suddenly it had been weeks since I had written to you, and I didn't know what to say about that, either.

I've been thinking about this every single day, sometimes for hours. I still don't know what to make of it or how to feel. She and I aren't friends at all anymore. Not long after we kissed we had a huge falling out that was comparable to a breakup. It felt worse than both times Mako and I broke up. Breaking up with him definitely hurt, breakups always hurt, but losing her felt like losing a chunk of my life. And for a long time I told myself it was because she was my best friend and she kinda...chose to let go of me. I was jealous of her new boyfriend, she was spending all her time with him and only ever talked about him, and one day I just snapped and told her that it was starting to feel like she was forgetting about me, or that I was becoming second-best in her life. I didn't tell her she had to decide between the two of us but that's what she did and she picked him. It hurt for a long time afterwards, and I grew to hate him, and hated myself for hating him. I knew it wasn't his fault that she decided she didn't want me anymore, but I couldn't help but think that if he never came along she and I would've been fine.

Now I'm thinking of it and realizing that even if it wasn't him, it would've been a different boy. What hurt was that I didn't understand what she could get from him that she couldn't get from me. I didn't understand what any boyfriend could give her that I couldn't. We had such an intense bond and strong friendship that it was effectively a relationship without the physical intimacy. It was to me, at least.

I'm sorry. I know this is messy. I don't know what else to say.

-Asami

Asami-

Don't apologize! I'm just glad to hear back from you. I was starting to worry that something horrible had happened. I'm so sorry that this has been consuming you. It...kinda sounds like you might have had feelings for her. I never really had friends growing up so I'm not sure what it's like to fall out with a friend and stop being friends with them. But from what you described, it sounds like it was more like a breakup for you than just losing a friend. And maybe that's because you had feelings for her and didn't even realize it at the time, or maybe you didn't understand what you were feeling.

I spoke to Kya recently and she said that was one of the first signs for her. She was apparently really good friends with another girl training as a healer with Katara. They secretly were together, but this girl wound up breaking things off for a guy and Kya was pretty heartbroken for a while afterwards. Katara picked up on it and asked what was going on and that's when Kya came out to her and Aang. They took it well, but because they were in the South Pole for the time being, they decided to not let anyone outside the family know. Kya was really young and didn't feel like she was ready to come out yet anyway, and Water Tribe tradition is pretty family oriented. People aren't homophobic, it's just that you don't talk about your personal life with people who aren't your family or your close friends.

I don't know if any of this is actually helpful, but I figured I'd share it anyway.

-Korra

PS I'm starting to walk by myself again! Not all the time, and not for very long, but I'm making a lot of progress.

Korra,

Wait, you didn't tell Kya about this, right? I'm not ready for anyone else to know about this, if there's even anything to know. But you might be right. I think I need to confront the fact that I likely had feelings for her, and the more I think about other girl friends I've had, I'm realizing that I've felt something more than friendship towards a few of them. Maybe that's not the best way to describe it. I think I've felt anxious around some of the girl friends I've had because deep down I know I'm feeling something that you shouldn't feel for someone who's just a friend. Anxiety and, well, guilt. I feel almost ashamed sometimes that I feel this way about girls, and not just any girls, girls that I'm friends with who all have no clue what I'm thinking of or what I'm feeling. I feel like I'm lying to them.