All The Boys I Used To Love (A Supergirl Story)

Chapter 8 - Decision

Kara felt clearer now, after having accompanied Alex back to the portal and having waved goodbye. Alex might be back on earth again, but their hearts felt close again. No trace of the cruel invisible wall of disagreement blocking them from each other. She was freer now, more whole.

And yet she hadn't returned to earth with Alex.

You have to walk through your past in order to look to your future. Maybe there was a reason her feet always led her back onto the same path. And since she kept finding him, maybe it was the same for him. She approached him quietly from behind, before taking the spot at his side, looking out over the gardens. Standing right above where not long ago she had tried to break into her own house.

"I've talked to Alex. And my mother."

"And?"

Kara shrugged. "It was pretty painful, but I think we are on a good path."

He smiled gently. "Good. I'm glad."

"Me too." She ran her palms over the stone rails. One breath. Another. "It's still there, you know?" He looked at her. "I've sorted things out with Alex. And my mother. I was honest with myself. I talked to Zan-Or. I resolved things with everybody. But I'm still tense ... I still want to ... " She turned to him and looked at his lips, letting her sentence trail off into nothingness.

Mon-El looked down on his hands. "Yeah, I thought there might be a chance."

"How do you feel about that?"

His mouth twisted into a mournful smile. "Scared shitless, mostly."

"But why?"

He looked at her. "Because I don't believe that we could ever be with each other and not have it mean something. That we could be with each other and not have it hurt."

"Maybe that isn't the worst thing in the world." Kara snuggled closer to him and took his hand. She traced along his index finger with her thumb. "When you had to leave earth, when you came back, I wasn't ready for it. Maybe part of me still feels cheated. Like I never got to say goodbye. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," he said breathlessly. "I do."

Kara's heart beat faster. "Good."

"If you know that it will hurt, and you don't think that it's gonna change anything about us, why do you still want to do it?"

"I just do." She shrugged. "I guess I'm just used to pain. It doesn't have to be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it reminds you that you're still alive."

Mon-El sighed and shook his head. "You really do still leap into everything with both feet."

Kara grinned. "I guess I do. Besides, maybe I do remember it all wrong and it's not as good as I remember."

He laughed. "Sounds like a challenge."

She tilted her head. "I guess it is."

He looked out, away towards the horizon for a long time. "If that's what you want, then we should do it here," he said.

"I don't want to," she blurted out instinctively.

He turned to her. "Why not?"

"I dunno, just feels wrong." Upon his questioning gaze she elaborated, "Argo, Argo still doesn't feel quite real to me. Like it's just a dream."

"Aren't we too?" "I don't want us to be." "I don't think that I could do it, you know, back on earth." Back home. Back in the apartment that they had shared. Where they had been happy. The unspoken words hung quietly in the air. Her mind raced trying to come up with some other suitable location. "Here is fine."