Thomas and Niko in the City of Trees

Chapter 16 - Part 2

Here's the thing: Thomas doesn't look angry anymore. He looks scared. I want to tell him his dad will get over it, but the truth is, I'm not sure he will. I know even less about the guy's inner workings than Thomas does, which is to say, very little. I calm down, at least to the point that I'm not raising my voice anymore. I say, "We have to accept the reality of people finding out about us. We took that on the second we told the girls."

"I don't know what I took on," he says. "I just know I couldn't keep lying to Madison. Every day with her, every fucking second...it all turned into one big lie." He pauses. He's got this occupied look on his face, like he's trying to rationalize through the whole goddamn thing all over again. His dark eyes land back on me. "I couldn't stop this shit with you. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried."

"Don't call it 'this shit'."

He looks down. "Sorry. You know that's not what I mean. I just don't understand why we have to be out in open about it all of a sudden. I only wanted the girls to know. No one else."

"Oh come on," I say. "How many people do you think they're going to tell?"

"I don't know," he says. He looks up at me accusingly. "Maybe it's not them I should be worried about."

"Will you fucking get over it? I told one other person. You start living your life a certain way, and guess what? People end up finding out sooner or later. There's just no getting around it."

"I think you misunderstood what's going on here, Niko," he says. He's getting worked up. "You and I can't seem to stop touching each other's dicks. That's all we know. I guess to you that means we're both standing in the closet, just waiting for the right moment to come out. Well maybe that's who you are, but it's not me."

I can't remember the last time something he said filled me with so much anger. Something about it gets me so upset, I can't handle another minute in his bedroom. I stand up and take a few steps toward the door, just to make it crystal-clear to him that I'm on my way out. "You're out of your fucking mind, you know that? A completely different person called me from San Francisco last week. I don't know who the hell he was, but he's definitely not in this room right now."

"Come on—don't leave," he says.

I pause with my hand on the doorknob. I look right at him and say, "The night of the party, when you pulled me into your dad's room—remember that? You told me to say the word. Tell me you remember."

"I remember," he says. He's got the blanket pulled halfway up his face.

"Well I'm saying it now: I'm gay. And man, you lucked out, because if I wasn't, that shit you pulled on me at the beginning would have backfired so bad on you. Pinning me down...shoving your hand down my pants—"

"Stop it," he says. "Fucking shut your mouth." He's starting to cry.

"That night at the party, you told me who you were."

"Fuck you," he says through his tears. "I never said the word."

"It's doesn't matter if you say it. It's just a word. You're not into girls, the same way I'm not." I've been trying to put up a tough front, but I can feel the edges starting to fray now. There are tears in my eyes, too. My voice gets soft and low. "I can't believe you're fucking backing down now. After all this bullshit we put ourselves through."

He disappears completely beneath the blanket.

"Oh, nice," I say. "You're going to keep hiding your face from me, just because you don't like the conversation. You're such a fucking coward." I'm pretty sure that will fish him out again, but it doesn't work. "You're better than this, Thomas," I say. "We've known each other too long for me to accept that this is the real you." And with that, I walk out the door. I hear the garage door opening, so I hurry out the front before I run into anyone. I set out for home again.