48- What I Couldn't Have

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Neil slowly rubbed over the baby bump as he leaned in to kiss JJ. She frowned when she pulled away, glancing over at the empty plate on the table. Audrey walked in and smiled at them both before she cleared the table, hearing JJ mumble thanks. 

"I'm scared," she whispered. Neil gave her another kiss before standing up. 

"I know, cara. But I promise I won't let her repeat what happened last time." With a sigh, JJ slowly stood up, feeling a throbbing pain in her back. Before she could complain, Neil had already started to rub the area. It didn't help much but she appreciated the thought. She looked down at her feet as they walked towards the living room. When they walked in, they found Andre and Lara mumbling to each other. 

Andre stood up to leave but Lara stopped him, asking him to stay. Neil nodded his head and watched his father walk back and sit down beside Lara again. 

"So...I heard you wanted to talk to us." 

Lara played with the broken skin around her thumb. When she tried to open her mouth to speak, no words escaped the lump in her throat. The more she thought about what she wanted to say, he more she felt her body start to shake as if she was shivering. 

"I...I-it's not fair." 

"What's not fair?" JJ asked softly. 

Lara buried her head in her lap. "I don't want to talk to you." JJ nodded her head and blinked the tears away. She felt Neil hold onto her hand. 

"Lara, they won't know how you feel unless you tell them," Andre said. 

"I don't want to do it anymore." 

"Lara, nothing will be resolved unless-" 

"I don't want a sister. I don't want another sibling." 

"This is happening whether you want it or not, Lara," Neil said softly. He reached a hand out to her. "You know you can tell me, tesero. I don't like seeing you like this." 

"What do you want me to say papa?" she exclaimed as she straightened up in her seat. "You want me to tell you how jealous I am that she's going to love this baby more than me? That this baby is going to be her real baby? I was just part of the package deal, papa. She didn't want me. She didn't give birth to me and I will never be hers for real. Not after this baby." 

"Monkey," JJ whispered. "You may have been a package deal but a damn good one. I have loved you from the beginning and I will always love you because you're my little girl. No one and I mean no one can replace you." JJ wiped the tears from her eyes. "You're my little girl. We may not share the same blood but that will never stop me from loving you." 

"You're just saying that because-" 

"No, no, no. Sweetheart, I love you from the bottom of my heart. I fell in love with you before I loved your father. I love you so much. I will never treat you different just because we have another baby." Neil leaned down to kiss the top of JJ's head. She quickly wiped her tears away before standing up and sitting down beside Lara. "I promise you now that no one can ever replace you. You hold a very speacial space in my heart." 

Lara shook her head as she felt the tears run down her cheeks. "It's not fair." 

"What's not fair?" JJ gently placed a hand on Lara's knee and she shook her head before standing up. 

"Lara-" 

"It's not fair! It's not fair!" 

"What isn't fair, Lara?" Neil asked softly. 

"I didn't have a mum when I was younger. I didn't have you when I was a baby. This baby will. When she's older and looks back at photos, you will be holding her, you will have videos of you laughing with her and I don't have that." Lara felt Neil wrap his arms around her and buried her head into his chest. "It's not fair, papa. I didn't have her when I took my first steps. I didn't have her when I started school or said my first word. I don't have any pictures of her and I when I was a baby. And this baby gets everything I couldn't have." 

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