Breathing

Chapter 14:

I pulled into the driveway about twenty minutes later with Ezra right behind me. He parked on the street so my Mom could park in the driveway when she got home. It would be a few more hours. Fridays were usually a late day for her. I was fortunate that I made the bar schedule and had someone who could run the bar on Friday nights for me.

Ezra unbuckled Jessa from the back of the car and carried her up to the house. She was curled up asleep on his chest. She played hard today and was worn out.

I opened the door for him and we walked inside.

"You can lay her on my bed. She sleeps better in there than in her own room. I'm going to go in and check on my Dad and see how he's feeling,"

"Is your Dad sick?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I'll tell you all about it while I'm making dinner." I said, looking down. I had forgotten that he didn't know everything that had happened over the last couple of years. We were practically strangers.

We walked up the stairs and Ezra went into my room to lay our little one down.

"Dad, we're home." I knocked before walking into his room. He was sitting up and reading a book. He smiled at me when he saw me. I couldn't help but smile after watching Ezra and Jessa together.

"Where's Jessa?" My Dad asked, looking behind me, expecting her to be there.

"Ezra is laying her down in my room. She fell asleep on the ride home." I said, not quite sure how he was going to react to Ezra being in the house with us.

"Did you guys have a good time?" My Dad asked, smiling. He didn't even seem surprised I let Ezra come back with us.

I shook my head yes and turned when I heard my bedroom door creak across the hall. Ezra was pulling it slightly closed so Jessa wouldn't wake up if there was any noise. His footsteps creaked through the hall, trying to be as quiet as he could.

"In here, Ezra." My Dad called, inviting him to come in with us. My Dad hadn't seen Ezra in years. I hoped this would not be awkward. My Dad was going to hunt him down when he found out I was pregnant for the second time. I wouldn't let him go after him. Things were so different now. Time hadn't healed all the wounds, but it sure did try to put some extra strength bandaids on them.

Ezra slowly pushed the door open and he leaned in nervously. He looked over at my Dad's thin, fragile form laying in the bed and then looked at me sympathetically. He didn't know what to say or if he should say anything at all. He nervously pushed his hands into his pockets and looked down, kicking at the floor.

"It's been a long time." My Dad said, breaking the silence. I could see a little humor in his eyes as he watched how nervous Ezra was. "How have you been?"

Ezra looked up as if he was surprised that my Dad wasn't yelling at him. "Uh... I... uh..." he stuttered and looked over at me. He needed help here. He was acting like a scared little boy caught in a lie.

"Dad, Ezra has a job at a studio playing and writing now." I answered for him. Music was something these two had in common and I knew it would start the conversation up. Once they both started talking, it would be hard to get them to stop.

"Have you recorded anything?" My Dad asked.

"Yeah, I laid some tracks down for a couple of bands when their guitarists couldn't play the kind of quality needed for a studio recording. It's amazing how doctored a lot of the music is now." Ezra lit up, talking about his passion.

"I know exactly what you mean." My Dad said, smiling at him. Dad turned his attention to me. "Peanut, can you get me something to drink? My throat is really dry." He turned back to Ezra and picked up the conversation. I looked between them before deciding it was safe to slip out of the room.

I walked down to the kitchen, trying to be quiet. If I woke Jessa up now, she would be a little monster. She needed a nap after playing so hard at the playground with Ezra. When I got to the kitchen, I pulled out my phone out and texted my mom. She should be getting home from work soon and I didn't want to surprise her with Ezra at the house.

Me: "Hey Mom, Ezra came over to spend some time with Jessa. Just thought you should know."

I put the phone down on the counter and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. The house was too quiet with Jessa sleeping, which added to my nerves. I didn't know why I invited Ezra back here. I told myself it was for Jessa. Everything I did was for her. This had nothing to do with me and my feelings.

I began walking back up the stairs and could hear the hushed voices in my Dad's room. It sounded like he and Ezra were still talking, which was a good thing. I couldn't hear what they are saying this far away, but I really wished I could be a fly on the wall in the room with them. I stepped softly towards the door, trying not to make any of the floorboards creak. I wanted to know what they were talking about.

"She's so beautiful." I heard Ezra say to my Dad.

"Yeah, I think so too." My Dad laughed at him. At first, I thought Ezra might be telling him about Jenna until my Dad agreed with him. It was pretty clear they must be talking about the little dark-haired girl sleeping on my bed.

"I don't deserve her." Ezra said softly. "I have done so much wrong in my life that I will never get to take back. I want to be the man she needs me to be, but I don't know if I can."

"It's true." My Dad said. "You have made a ton of mistakes and messed up. Most people don't get to come back from that. But you do. You need to own that part of your life and never forget what you did. You can't be that man without acknowledging who you were. You can't keep punishing yourself for what happened either. Only you can control what happens from now on. She needs you more than you will ever know."

"I love her more than anything." Ezra said. I know the pull Jessa and Ezra had to each other. They were the same person, it was the thing I had loved most about my little girl and it was also the thing that kept me up every night worrying about her future. I would never survive watching her battle the same demons her Dad always had to. That was part of the reason I kept her so close to me and had to shielded her away from him.

"You don't have to tell me that. You have to prove it to her." My Dad chuckled.

"I don't know what I am doing." Ezra was all honesty and I could tell he has made huge strides in his recovery. He was open with my Dad in a way he couldn't be before with anyone, including me.

"Well, that's a good thing since she doesn't know what she's doing either. You two can figure it out together. She's not perfect and will mess up a lot along the way too. She is so stubborn. I'm not going to lie. I can't promise you it will be easy. I can't promise you it won't hurt sometimes. In the end, it will all be worth it because she is worth it."

I shifted and the floorboard creaked under my weight, I knew they had heard me and I couldn't hide out here any longer. I sighed and pushed the door open.

"Hey Dad," I announced, walking in the door. "Here's your water."

"Thanks, peanut." He said, taking the bottle from me. I looked at him and he was smiling like he knew something I didn't. I turned my head to look at Ezra and he turned his face away from me. His cheeks were red. I looked back at my Dad, who shrugged innocently and winked at me.

"Am I missing something?" I asked, confused.

"Not at all, peanut. I'm going to lay back down now and rest. Ezra, it was good seeing you again." My Dad's eyes twinkled as he looked at me. Ezra stood up and shook his hand before exiting the room and walking back downstairs without another word.

I crossed my arms, staring at my Dad.

"What?" He asked me, trying to play dumb.

"What did you do?" I questioned him suspiciously.

"You know, you really look like your Mom when you're mad." He said, jabbing at me. I wasn't going to get anything else out of him. He would keep his secrets. I rolled my eyes and shut the door behind me.