Drowning//bokuaka

Ch 35

Akaashi entered his small house.

-keiji, welcome back, dinner is ready- his mother said from the kitchen.

- ... im not hungry- the words escaped before from his moth before he could stop them. The truth is, he was ravenous. He hadnt eaten all day. He was shocked. He had been doing so well, why was it coming back now. The ravenette started fidling with his hands nervously, as he heard a sigh from the room on the othr side of the hallway.

-keiji, come and sit down, i have a plate ready for you- Akaashi took his shoes of and walked iside the kitchen, looking down nervously.

-i apoligize-  his mom smiled sadly and put a plate with japanese curry on the table.

-its ok- she said and sat down on the seat opposite to the plate. Akaashi sat down in front of the plate and looked at it. He could feel the so familiar fear crippling inside of him. The uncomfterble panic he had forgotten for so long.

Akaashi raised he spoon to his mouth hesitantly. After some time he finished the food. He could feel how the food started to settle in his stomach. His face whent cold.

He stood up quickly and put the plate in the dishwasher. He knew that there still was a part of his dissorder that his mother didnt know about, throwing up. No one but bokuto knew.

Akaashi knew what his heart disired, but it was wrong. He promised he wasnt going to do this anymore, he promise himself, he promised bokuto, he promised everybody. Yet why was he now kneeling infrot of the toilet.

Akaashis eyes started tearing up, he didnt have a reason for the panic, he didnt want to do this, but he had no choise, nor control.

Akaashi pushed two fingers to the back his throat. He gagged loudly as the food made its way up his esophagus. The familiar tang taste of the acidic liquid solution filled his mouth. He did this over, and over again until the only thing that came out of his mouth was an acidic transparent liquid burning the back of his throat.

Shame came over him like a massive wave. Tears started rolling down his cheaks. His heart started raising and confusion filled his head. It was like a war. A raspy voice was prasing him, while logic was shaming him, telling him he had betrayed everybody's trust.

Akaashi whiped away his tears and flusehd the toilet. He washed his face and steped out of the bathroom. Then he got scared of himsealf. He felt euphoric after listening to the voice and throwing up. He felt an overwhelming amount of joy and pride, he wanted to do it again. Not only did it feel like it was filling up a big hole, but with that he felt good about himself. It felt like he mattered not only to others, but also to himself. He had a reason to live, reach that unrational goal.

Akaashi was once again drowning, slowly