50 sad songs

31st song

31st song;
0:00-5:10 landas - magnus heaven
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i played it cool when you asked me to walk with you on our way to our schools.

the first time you fetched me from my house, i was a total disarray of emotions. rapid heartbeat, stomach turning and blood gushing through my veins.

but i tried to play it cool, acting nonchalant at all.

we stood in the bus stop and waited.
the sky was painted blue and the sunshine yellow, making your skin glisten like gold.

like all first times, it was then followed by a series of chances i lost count on. we often walk to the bus stop together, wait for one to arrive and sit side by side through the very short ride. it was on those little moments, i felt pure bliss.

what was once a shallow exchange of casual talks devolved further. we've reached this point where exchanges of sweet remarks became a routine and utterances of "i love yous" and "i love you toos" came too often, it was hard to tell which is lie from truth.

until one night, in the still silence of my room, your voice over the phone was the clearest sound in the world.

you had my heart pounding loud against my ears upon utterance of one question.

"ash ano ba' to? ano ba tayo?"

isang malalim na hininga bago ka nagpatuloy.

"i mean, wala lang ba'to sayo? are we just flirting?"

pilit kong kinalma ang sarili. wala sa sariling napahawak sa dibdib upang ikubli ang malakas nitong pintig.

"oo iyon lang naman talaga, hindi ba?"

i tried to play it cool when you confessed that you like me. i acted like it doesn't affect me at all.

for in that very moment, i still think that love is nothing but a mere game and im not willing to put my guards down. one who starts in flings ends in flings. no serious relationship develops from it. you must only be trying to win my heart and make a fool out of me.

and no, im not letting you make a fool out of me. so i made a fool out of myself instead.

"gusto kita, ash. una pa lang naman sinabi ko na iyon hindi ba? liligawan kita. maghihintay ako."

"huwag na, dane. i said i dont like courtships, right?"

"i'll still wait ash." you were full of assurance and though i didn't want to, i clung into the small string of hope you brought.

i held on to it when it was strong, clear and sure. i held on to it when it started getting fragile, dangerous. i held on to it until it broke, until i fell into pieces, shattered.

now we're back in present, i tried to play it cool when i stared directly into your eyes. you are still holding my wrist, preventing me from my attempt to leave but slowly, the grip loosened until you were no longer holding me.

through the bottles of beer, you stared back at me. genuine guilt and despair began to paint your eyes blue.

i tried to play it cool once again. i tried to hold back my tears, to pretend i am fine. but i can't keep it cool anymore. my walls are broken, my guards are all down and my facade could no longer hide my sadness. i could no longer pretend to be whole when i am all broken.