50 sad songs

39th song

39th song;
0:00-5:44 hericane - lany
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nang sumunod na gabi, gaya ng madalas, magkatawagan ulit tayo hanggang madaling araw. pagod na pagod ako dahil ginabi na sa paggawa ng thesis. those were the days when everything was stressful but you were my relief. 

it's okay to have a bad day. it's okay to feel like i am not doing anything right. it's okay to feel worthless because i had you and somehow, with you, i felt like someone knew my worth.

it's okay even though my anxiety visits me during the day again. it's okay even if everything is hard because everything is bearable when i know i had you. when i know that despite having a bad day, i could go home and talk to you, everything else seems a little easier.

i treated you like my medicine. you were a drug i became so dependent on. in the end, my drug that cures, destroyed me.

"ash, are you still there?" you asked when i wasn't answering for a while.

bumabagsak na ang mga talukap ng aking mga mata ngunit nilalabanan ko ang antok, makausap ka lang. guiltily, i abruptly opened my eyes. in a sleepy voice, i said "yes."

"inaantok ka na?" malambing mong tanong.

my heart swelled at the softness of your tone.

"medyo."

"matulog ka na."

but i didn't want to hang-up yet. i'd rather lose sleep than lose the time to talk to you.

"hindi pa naman ako inaantok."

"matulog ka na, alam kong pagod ka."

"okay. ibababa ko na."

"no, hayaan mo lang. i could listen to you while you sleep."

"okay. sing me to sleep then?"

you let out a shy laugh but agreed anyway.

nagsimula kang kumanta. mahina iyon at halatang nahihiya. ngunit nang nagtagal at napagtanto mong siguro'y tulog na ako, nahimigan ko ang kumpiyansa sa iyong boses.

you have a lovely voice, it was manly but serene. it was too soothing that it was comparable to the lull of the december winds. it was my favorite sound in the world.

never have i thought i'd have to live in a world without hearing that again. one night, you were singing me to sleep, the next, i was hearing your voice in my dreams only to wake up with nothing but longing.

"wala na'ng dating pagtingin."

kakaiba ang pighati sa aking puso nang marinig ang unang liriko ng marahan mong pag-awit. it was too soft, as if afraid to break something, or to wake me from my supposed sleep.

it twisted my heart in ways i did not even knew possible. i love you so bad that it hurt. i never knew that a heart could contain so much love for someone that it will feel so overwhelming. 

"'Di na alam ang gagawin
Upang ika'y magbalik sa'kin."

paborito ko ang kantang ito sa walang partikular na dahilan, ni hindi pa naman ako nasasaktan gaya ng sa mensahe ng kanta. maybe that was because i just really loved sad songs and that song was one on my list.

"Hindi magbabago
Pagmamahal sa iyo."

my tears fell for some weird reason. maybe it was the song. maybe it was too painful to hear the song and it was too overwhelming to hear you sing. that mixture of feelings was too immense, i could not word it out.

"Tulad ng mundong hindi
Tumitigil sa pag-ikot
Pag-ibig, 'di mapapagod."

i held my chest throughout the song. i love you so bad, i would never want to lose you. i didn't know why but my anxiety flooded in. i was so scared. this feeling has gone too huge, i could not lose it. it's too late. i'm down the drain now, i'm down the cliffs and there's no saving me. i have fallen deeply.

it was inexplicable and it was beyond words what i felt for you. maybe the history is yet to discover a word in the english vocabulary that fits that feeling.

but i need not new lexicon, i need not words nor metaphors, it was straight and simple--i just love you.

"ash, tulog ka na?" marahan mong tanong.

narinig ko ang malalim mong pagbuntong hininga. 

"tulog ka na nga yata."

you took many pauses, as if hesitant.

"ash gusto kong malaman mo na mahal kita."

"at sorry kung--"

it was weird but the statics suddenly became loud. naging malabo ang signal ng telepono ko't hindi ko na narinig ang mga huli mong sinabi.

ibinaba mo na ang tawag. muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko. bakit ka humihingi ng patawad? is it because of that girl?

are you guilty because she likes you? because you were flirting? or maybe because you're starting to like her back?

that's okay. i was here first. i was the first you liked. you could forget about her. i'd tell you i love you and i'm sure you'll choose me.

kinaumagahan, tinawagan ako ng kaibigan ko, inaaya akong sumabay na sa pagpasok sa eskwelahan. syempre, tumanggi ako upang makasabay ka.

hinintay ko ang mensahe mo ngunit hindi iyon dumating. labag man sa loob ay umusad na ako patungong bus stop. ngunit hanggang doon ay hindi ko mapigilang maghintay. baka nakalimutan mo lang mag-text o baka nalate ka na naman ng gising.

so i sat in the waiting shed for a while. i sat and waited until an hour passed. i sat and waited until i was late for school.

that night i came home as usual. there were no messages from you.

and there were none on the next day too.

there were also none on friday, our plan was forgotten.

until it was a week that i haven't talked to you. suspicious and bored now, i checked your social media site.

your header was your photo with giselle. your arms were around her as she held a bouquet of roses. you captioned it love you.

and that was how i knew you got a girlfriend.