Innocuous (YiZhan/ZhanYi)

Chapter 5 Flavor of Life

Author notes: English is not my first language, so please forgive my mistakes and awkward writing. This is NOT for profit. I don't own them. AU (as in Alternate Universe) and maybe OOC (as in Out of Character).

Author notes 2: My eternal gratitude to @JJSin2020 for editing this.

Author Notes 3: The song is  The Flavor of Life by Utada Hikaru

Thanks for the votes and comments! They really encourage me.

Chapter 5 Flavor of Life

Another month had gone by, and Zhan still hadn't told Yi Bo he was leaving for Japan the day after graduation. Zhan had tried, but he had yet to gather the courage to say goodbye to Yi Bo. The constant tension he felt while spending time with Yi Bo was very taxing, and it was taking its toll on him. He had lost weight and he had dark circles surrounding his eyes.

If Yi Bo noticed, he kept silent. Zhan would sometimes find Yi Bo eyeing him with an odd expression on his face. It looked like he wanted to ask Zhan something, but he wouldn't dare to do so. In a way, he made it easier for Zhan, he was exhausted pretending everything was fine with him. He was far from fine. He felt hollow.

Before that night, they had been able to have conversations, not many, but they had been meaningful. Those conversations had been about their dreams and wants. Now, they only exchanged perfunctory pleasantries. The kind of well-mannered exchange you have with an amicable stranger in the subway. Uncompromising, meaningless and polite.

Even Bo's kisses, that were so sweet for Zhan before, started leaving a bittersweet aftertaste in Zhan's mouth. Something was amiss. That fact was extremely clear now.

Zhan felt in a sort of limbo, where he wasn't moving on, where he was tied up, unable to keep on with his own life. He was expecting something to happen to enable him to keep living.

He didn't know what it was like for Bo, in all honesty, he didn't feel strong enough to inquire about it. He suspected, Bo was fighting his own inner battles, struggling with his private demons so he didn't want to bother him with his unrest.

The only sounds that seemed to come across their silences, pregnant and heavy as they were, were the gasps and moans elicited while they were having sex. And it pained Zhan, because now he was fully aware that he desired more from this. That a series of hook-ups was not nearly enough. He had dared to want a full healthy relationship. The gall of him.

Selfish and stupid, that was how he felt now. There had been an unspoken agreement between them, and it used to have clearly defined boundaries. And he was trespassing on them. This want of his, was definitely not in the initial script. He felt treacherous for not respecting their initial terms. This sucked!

But they kept going. They continued meeting every Friday, even though every Friday Zhan felt like he lost a tiny piece of himself. Little by little, he was shattering. Like a slow motion film of a demolition process, plummeting from the foundation and slowly imploding.

All of this was slowly eating Zhan alive, that state of uncertainty, because now, they were neither fuck buddies nor a couple in love. They were everything and nothing at the same time. But their words had now a certain edge that was certainly hurting them both.

A month from graduation, they still were keeping their Friday meeting on. Yi Bo was picking Zhan up again. He was waiting for him outside of the car, as was his habit. Zhan walked towards the car leisurely. Of course, his body reacted at the sight of Yi Bo. It was a conditional reaction to physical pleasure like a Pavlovian response. But his heart, his heart was another story altogether. He felt a hurtful grip in his chest every time he saw Yi Bo.