my journal

continuing the talk of my depressed friend (from saving a life) AUG I FFAR

TRIGGER WARNING!! MENTION / TALK OF SUICIDE, CUTTING AND OTHER RELATED THINGS

ill call this series: AUG I FFAR it stands for Among Us Girl I Found For A Reason

So we are friends on Tik Tok, if i didn't clarify that before. 

Today i decided to see how she was holding up because i hadn't talked to her since i gave her my socials. and i beat myself up for not checking on her sooner. 

i ask "hi, how are you doing?" or something like that 

she goes "i wish to cut my veins and my stomach and pull out all my insides" just a bit more detailed and i say stuff like noo please dont, i didnt know what to say, really..

she texts a lot of sorrys as the conversation continues but im going to spare my fingers

(i just read over this and it sounds like i dislike her but i really dont, im just tired and i havent had coffee in 3 days, i love her)

she sends me something along the lines of "i should just kill myself, it would (something about not being a burden anymore, sorry my memory has gotten the best of me)" i say some other things and she goes "sorry, im not a distraction to you?" this really broke my heart because i care for her so much, even though i have no idea who she is or even her name at the least.

i tell her my biggest secret, which i only tell my closest people. i feel safe with u guys so i'll say. one night i stood in my room, looking at a wall. i couldn't see the tiny stains built on by years of use, for my tears blurred everything around me. in my most dominant hand, my right, i hold a swiss army knife. the biggest blade was flipped out pointing towards my neck. although my tears were hot and fast down my face, i was frozen. i couldn't find the strength to put myself out. there was always a reason behind it. i tell her theres a reason why we met after telling her half of what i wrote for you guys. 

and in the middle of a sentence my phone goes into this time limit thing that my mother installed. it doesn't let me do anything, its just a plain gray screen. and FUCK. I REALLY FUCKING HOPE SHE IS OKAY. I HOPE SHE READS WHAT I ALREADY SENT AND LIVES ON ANOTHER DAY TILL I CAN CONVINCE HER TO NEVER TAKE THAT PATH. I CANT FUCKING SLEEP. I WISH I COULD TELEPORT TO HER AND TELL HER EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE. I WISH I COULD FIGHT OFF ALL HER DEMONS AND BAN THEM FROM HER LIFE. 

she talked of bad grades and shit too. we all go through it, whether its because of stress, mental health, laziness, or sleep deprivation +. i want you to know success matters. it takes time. and before u even start with the success chapter you have to take time for yourself to recover from whatever is making you like this. 

love ya <3